(Not So) Great Expectorations
What is it about this time of year that makes people shoot phlegm out of their mouths in every direction, in broad daylight, and in plain view no less? Seriously, who decided this is ok? Is it really any better than picking your nose in public? I can’t tell you how much it absolutely mortifies me when someone in my near vicinity projects a loogey that lands only inches from my feet.
I’m really curious as to why there hasn’t been any kind of legislation passed to prevent this disgusting act. In researching the topic, Wikipedia let me know that social attitudes towards spitting have changed greatly; esp. in Western Europe since the Middle Ages.
Then, frequent spitting was part of everyday life, and at all levels of society, it was thought ill-mannered to suck back saliva to avoid spitting. By the early 1700s, spitting had become seen as something which should be concealed, and by 1859 many viewed the spitting on the floor or street as vulgar, especially in mixed company. I could not agree more!
Spittoons were used openly during the nineteenth century to provide an acceptable outlet for spitters. Spittoons became far less common after the influenza epidemic of 1918, and their use has since virtually disappeared, though each justice of the Supreme Court of the United States continues to be provided with a personal cuspidor.
About the only legislation I could find regarding the subject is that spitting may be considered an assault and battery. Seems really lenient for such a nasty, disease spreading habit.
$@bs
Balls: The Other White Meat
If you’ve never considered eating anyone’s testicles, now is not the time to start. An article in the Chicago Tribune discussed an eatery in Tokyo where Blowfish testicles prepared by an unauthorized chef sickened seven diners and three remained hospitalized Tuesday after eating the poisonous delicacy.
Other animals whose testicles are eaten in other parts of the world include bull, chicken, lamb and horse. I’d be really interested in hearing from our readers what types of testicles they have been fortunate enough to sample and live to tell the tale.
A homonym of the word testicles, which many are not yet familiar is the word:
testicalls -noun. Yelling any testicle-related words over the telephone, or across long distances. Testicle-related words include, but are not limited to: testicles, balls, nuts, and mansauce activators.
Example:
(from across the field) “Hey Johnny!”
“What?”
“BALLSSSSSS!”
$@bs
When It Rains, I Snore(s)
What is it about the rain that makes me want to trade places with my cat? Maybe I’m cold-blooded (in accordance with the prophecy) and can’t get going until the sun is high and shining; well I am the year of the snake.
Found this great book called “The New Astrology” by Suzanne White. By combining the astrological systems of the traditional Chinese (terrestrial) with that of the Occident (celestial), White demonstrates that each of us is governed by two signs.
The book is quite interesting, though calling White verbose would be the understatement of the century. Regardless, no one with whom I have ever crossed paths has been able to resist thumbing through to their reading.
$@bs
Barbie Turns 50!
I was excited to read today that Barbie is turning 50. Over the course of the year, Barbie’s birthday will be celebrated through a host of “pink carpet” events that aim to get the doll back on track as an aspirational fashion brand with cultural relevance, said Richard Dickson, gm and svp, Barbie. Brands such as Bloomingdale’s, colette, Stila, Dylan’s Candy Bar, Jonathan Adler and 50 fashion designers are just some of those that will be participating in Barbie’s 50th birthday celebration.
As a child, my sisters and I would get a Barbie every Christmas. Each of us always had one favorite Barbie so that new dolls would get stripped of their valuable clothing. They would then be practiced upon for new hair cut ideas, which never panned out well. One day I happened to be looking for something in my father’s basement and opened a drawer that revealed at least a dozen and a half naked Barbies with crew cuts. It was very disturbing…
My sisters and I would have Barbie marathon weekends, beginning Saturday morning and ending Sunday night when were sent to bed. As a result of our over exposure to the media at an early age, my Barbie and Ken had unusual problems. Barbie got pregnant out of wedlock and was unsure what to do. Ken feigned support, but was secretly hoping Barbie decided to get an abortion because he was not ready to be a father.
$@bs
Je-rry! Je-rry! Je-rry! … and Maury
I’ve been parked in front of the TV all morning. First I watched Maury and now I’m watching Jerry Springer. There used to be a time when watching such shows made me feel extremely uneasy. I must have been a different person back then because now I simply revel in them.
Wondering how long the Jerry Springer show has been 
running, I was interested to find out that the program debuted on September 30th, 1991. Even more fascinating, Springer was born in the East Finchley tube station in London. His parents, Margo (a bank clerk) and Richard Springer (owner of a shoe shop), were Jewish refugees from Nazi Germany.
I am amazed how the people that end up on the show are constantly surprised to find out that they’re there to find out that a significant other has been cheating on them. If the premise of the show hasn’t changed much in the last 18 years (but for the addition of a stripper pole and the chanting of U.S.A.), then what could they possibly be thinking they are there for? Dancing with the Stars?
$@bs
This week I read that Obama plans to do away with the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” decades-old ban on open homosexuals in the ranks . Personally, I don’t know why anyone would want to be open about that in the military.
I guess the point is that gays don’t want to have to feel embarrassed about their sexual preference; which is understandable. But seriously how do you think a straight man is going to feel showering naked with an openly gay man right next to him, checking out his junk and what not.. thinking about all the dirty things he wants to do… right now…
I know a lot of homophobes that would rather die; or at least kill the queer ogling him…
$@bs
Thanks to all the readers who suggested I try Pandora instead of iTunes. I actually already had a Pandora account, but abandoned it for some reason. I was reminded when I went back to it and just found that it kept coming up with songs and artists I didn’t like and prevented me from skipping them. I’m back on iTunes again, FYI, and recommend Carstairs Kitchen Radio under Jazz.
Daily Nooz: Ad Agency Hires Prostitutes for Talk-Radio Stunt
This article talked about a stunt which was part of a controversial ad campaign created by the Zig ad agency for CFRB 1010; it is their latest ploy to get people talking about issues in Toronto.
Basically they paid hookers the regular customer rate to hold up signs asking if prostitution should be legal. I thought the idea was pretty creative but had some questions as to the logistics.
Where did they find the prostitutes and how did they approach them with the idea? Were they found in broad daylight somehow? Or did members of the marketing agency risk arrest when pulling up next to the prostitutes in the middle of the night to discuss arrangements:
Policeman:
Sir, your ID please.
Zig Marketing Grunt:
But I was just trying to get them to help out with a marketing stunt.
Policeman:
Yea, a stunt in your pants. Hands behind your back, Sir.
Maybe Zig just answered a bunch of massage therapist ads on craigslist. Anyway how did they ensure the prostitutes wouldn’t take money and run home to (pimp) daddy?
$@bs
Neologasms Galore
CaloRemorse – n., the inevitable regret of having eaten something calorically catastrophic, i.e McDonald’s, Cinnabon
Creating this amazing new word resulted in what urban dictionary would refer to as a neologasm: the pleasurable feeling from having coined a new word. Combination of neologism and orgasm.
$@bs
New Year’s Revolution and The FThrax
So one of my new year’s resolutions is to revolt against the Season Affective Disorder with which I’ve been self diagnosed. Every winter I have the urge to stage my own death and move to Spain. I’ve never even been to Spain, so I’m not entirely sure why I’ve decided I’d be happier there. It’s not like they don’t have winter.
One particular concerning side effect is my craving for sweets and starches. I’ve been sucking down sugar like it’s going out of style, which, of course, it never will. Would love to hear if anyone has any experiences with SAD and how they have remedied the situation (or not). Some have suggested light therapy, but I’m going to go with alcohol.
As a complete nonsequitur, when I get good and pissed at someone, I dream of sending them the Fake Thrax, powdered sugar in an unmarked enveloped. Now I’m not saying that I would ever do that, I’m just saying that I dream of it.
$@bs
Hot Ghetto Mess Dept, How Can We Harass You?
So my DirectTV appointment was a complete bust. First of all, the guy was the definition of unprofessional. He kept asking me questions like was I married, did I have kids, what did I do for a living. He made a racial comment about having thought I was going to be a gringa before he met me. Now I’m at least half white but the term gringa is not at all flattering in my opinion. I asked him if he was in the habit of offering racial commentary to all his customers.
He was thoroughly confused but could see that he had offended me. He apologized and noted that he just wanted to be friends. What I wanted to say was that he’s not my friend, he’s there to hook up my DirectTV and that he should get on it and get the fuck out. I held my tongue as I’ve been trying to do of late, for what reason I’m not altogether certain.
He was there from 3:00 to 7:15 and was not successful at properly installing the satellite connection. He offered to come back on Monday, but at that point I just needed him out of my house and I told him I’d work out another appointment with DirectTV. I’ve since called to ensure that he would not be returning to my house. He might get fired, but, he kind of deserves it.
By the way, in the middle of his nonsense, he interrupted a phone conversation I was having to point out the fact that he was getting a ticket. He then excused himself for about ten to fifteen minutes to argue with the cop issuing the parking ticket.
Now I get to waste another weekend afternoon waiting for them to try again. Some good purchase this new flat screen TV was. I ought to have waited since it seems Circuit City will have to liquidate all of its inventory. This is not surprising to me at all since my one experience shopping there compelled me to write a letter to their corporate office suggesting that they change the name of their customer service department, which looks similar to the picture shown here, to harassment by hot ghetto messes.
In other news, the inauguration speech was kind of amazing, even if just because of the sheer numbers of people that turned out to watch. As much of a cynic as I am, I was slightly inspired that we may actually see some positive change.
I was also excited by the Obamicon.me and had to create my own poster – POZ VIZ – or positive visualisation. Send me yours!
$@bs
