Elderly Sisters Busted for Dealing Heroin
In the great words of Avenue Q, “Everyone’s a little bit racist,” and I am no exception. When I heard about two sisters from Stroudsburg, PA who were busted for dealing heroin, my first thought was what race they are. Police say the women are believed to have been dealing heroin out of their Stroudsburg-area homes for almost six months and pulling in about $10,000 a week in sales.
According to court papers, police searched the sister’s homes and discovered 1000 bags of heroin at one residency and 400 bags at the other. A 28-year-old Allentown man was accused of being their supplier. The sisters stated that he would deliver drugs to their homes or the Burger King parking lot at the Stroud Mall. I was upset to hear that the heroin was not offered on the dollar menu at the local Burger King where the deliveries took place.
Under police watch, the women made arrangements to meet the supplier for 
a last drug deal and was arrested when he arrived. The two women were arrested later. The most shocking part of the story: the women where white. But what I really want to know is, where would two old white broads meet this guy? (Craigslist.)
$@bs
What Cuts Me 2 The Quick: Broken Glass
I was washing dishes when a glass bottle broke (more like spontaneously combusted) and cut my arm so deeply it exposed the bone and tendon: NASTY. I hate the sight of my own blood, but that’s trivial compared to the sight of my own blood flowing over the bone in my arm.
The good news is I didn’t have to go back to Harlem Hospital (as in the case of the Pot Hole Smack Down of ’08). Instead I went to Mt. Sinai, which I highly recommend. I would, however, discourage anyone from raking broken glass down the arm.
If my class president hadn’t been too retarded to organize a high school reunion, I’m sure I would have been jealous of this story. 31-year-old ‘LA’nese Comedy writer Andrea Wachner hated the idea of going to her 10-year high school reunion so much that she concocted an elaborate hoax, rented out a hotel room across the street, hired a film crew and created a 40-minute documentary of the experiment.
Wachner graduated from Palos Verdes Peninsula High School in 1995 from an upscale Los Angeles-area which she loathed entirely. She received the invitation to attend her 10-year reunion and didn’t even consider attending, but she did want to see how people would react if the self-described “drama geek” showed up a changed woman — a stripper, no less. So, she hired Amy Bernadette “Cricket” Russell, whom she met at a 
Los Angeles strip club, to impersonate her. Cricket showed up in a slinky dress, fishnet hose and spike heels.
As cocktails were consumed, Cricket’s clothes came off while a tickled Wachner watched on, linked to her stunt double via a wireless radio, TV cameras and a monitor. Wachner coached Cricket throughout the night, telling her names of people she met and providing info only she and her former classmates would know.
Wachner is naturally pretty stoked about the footage and Hollywood has already approached her, but some of her classmates aren’t too thrilled (which kinda makes the whole thing worth it). “There have been a few people that were pretty vitriolic, and I have received some angry letters,” she reported. Survey says? Mission accomplished!
Click here to check out the film’s promotional trailer.
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Swiss Voters Ban Nude Hiking
Speaking of a nude dude ranch, a lot of people seem to have the same idea about going au natural in the outdoors, but not every one is cool with it. Today I read about legislation banning naked hiking after dozens of nudists started rambling through Switzerland’s picturesque region.
Naked hiking in the Eastern Swiss region took off last autumn, but the Swiss government recommended the ban after citizens objected to encountering nude walkers, primarily Germans, who started showing up in droves wearing nothing but hiking boots and socks. Since then, citizens recently voted by a show of hands and overwhelmingly agreed to ban nude hiking. I haven’t seen too many naked Germans in my travels, but it sounds like it was upsetting.
Even though I’m all for nudity, I can sympathize with those who banned the naked hike since the time I once stumbled upon a couple screwing in the woods near Rutgers, where I went to college; I’ve never been not quite the same since.
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What Bea Means to Me: Remembering Bea Arthur
When I found out last night I was devastated. My sweetheart called me from Chicago and asked if I was sitting down; that he had some bad news for me. I braced for the worst but was not prepared when he informed me that my favorite Golden Girl had passed at 86 from a bout with cancer (I HATE that f*cker)! Actually, he didn’t end up having to say anything except,
“You know Bea Arthur?” Everyone knows how I obsess over the Golden Girls and constantly watch reruns on DVR (God bless the Hallmark Channel) so I responded,
“DUH”, when I suddenly realized something was terribly wrong.
“No!” I denied.
“Yes,” he insisted. I was crushed!
I immediately asked for a moment of silence from all of my tweeps in remembrance of her and began the DVR memorial marathon. The show has meant a lot to my whole family because it was a parody of sorts of my grandmother, Dorothy, and her sister, Rose, who lived in West Palm Beach Florida ever since I can remember (before passing).
We’ve all watched so many episodes that holidays have included rounds of Golden Girls Trivia (this year I’m kicking some a$$ by the way). Never again will I be able to wake up hung over and revel in sounding like Bea Arthur without feeling a twinge of sadness (wistful sigh). We’ll miss you, Bea.
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Couple Caught Having Sex in Dumpster
Talk about trash! A police officer in Saanich, Canada following up on a call of “suspicious persons”, arrived at a parking lot where he heard noises coming from a large garbage dumpster. The officer called out, but no one responded. When he looked inside, he was shocked to see two naked adults engaged in intercourse and oblivious to his presence.
The 30-year-old woman and a 26-year-old man, were ordered to put their clothes on and get out of the dumpster. The man was arrested on an unrelated matter and the woman was told to go home (and to come back later – winkedy wink wink). Who knew the Canucks had it in ‘em?
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Textual Chocolate – The Txt Addiction
Ok, maybe it’s just me, but I think the texting thing has gotten way out of hand. Texting should only be for quick, short messages like, “5 mins. late”, “i’m here, r u?” and “miss you”. It’s really irritating to get a txt from someone you haven’t spoken to in a hot minute that says you “hey how are you?” I mean, why not just pick up the phone? Am I really going to sit there and text a narrative of what’s surpassed in the last 4 months? No, I’m not. That question requires more characters than I care to push at one time.
Having a conversation over text is just so impractical and a lot of people don’t seem to understand when it’s appropriate and when it’s not; they clearly abuse the medium. For instance, there are several people I know that have been the victim of a text break up. That’s just plain weak and as a general rule, having a delicate convo over text is never a good idea and often has disastrous results (TRUST)!
I’ve had several text arguments, to no avail. Once, in attempt to end it, I responded with:
“The subscriber you are trying to reach no longer accepts messages from this number. Message: NKXR#3000″
I don’t think he bought it since he replied with an lol, but regardless, it ended the text war, so mission accomplished. I win (OBVI).
$@bs
“Your money or your li- hang on my phone is ringing…” Police are looking for a pregnant woman from Fayetteville, NC they say was in the middle of robbing a bank at gunpoint, but left to answer her cell phone. Fayetteville police said the woman had a handgun and demanded money when she entered a Carter Bank & Trust branch at 9:43 a.m. Tuesday, but got distracted when her cell phone rang. (NOTE TO SELF: Switch cell to vibrate mode during all public thefts.)
The pregnant would-be bank robber took the call and began talking to the caller, leaving the bank without taking any money; kind of rude, if you ask me. Sources (me) say it was her psychiatrist on the line, advising her against the robbery. Other 
theories include that the caller was her unborn child, notifying the expecting mother that it would prefer not to be born in prison. My fave hypothesis is that Miss Cleo called to warn her that her water was about to break so she’d better high-tail it out of there.
$@bs
I am one of those crunchy people that buys organic, does Yoga, and is into Earth Day. I can say, however, that I haven’t gone to a drum circle in years, but I still have a pretty small carbon foot print: no car, reuse everything, recycle everything else, rarely uses plastic baggies and stores all food in tupperware. (Pats self on back.)
I am also completely obsessed with saving water. I used to put up notes in the dorm bathroom asking people to tighten dripping faucets. I’ve been known to shut the w
ater off on running toilets in public restrooms. For a while I had an 800 number programmed in my phone you could contact to report a leak anywhere in NYC (I’ve since lost that phone). Even the mere sound of water running drives me batty. Of course, I have to police all of America to make sure everyone is conserving.
Once I was at a TGIFridays in Hackensack, NJ (don’t ask) and was sitting at the bar with my friend. The skanktastic bartender had the water running – just running; not using it or anything. I watched this go on for some time, nearly twitching. Finally I could stay silent no more and politely called her attention to the fact that the tap was still running.
“Oh, it doesn’t matter,” she said.
I seriously wanted to punch her in the face.
“KINDA!” I responded hotly, louder than was necessary and with very wide eyes. She shut the faucet.
Moral of the story: don’t waste our water or I’ll kick your ass.
Happy Earth Day!
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OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO TO CONSERVE
- Use a mug and water bottle at work vs. disposable cups.
I even have a set of cutlery at my desk.
- Get some plants: they clean the air and look nice too.
$@bs natch has tons.
- Unplug cell phone charges and keep computers on sleep when unused; they eat power.
Nude Dude Ranch to Open in FL
As soon as I read the headline, I had visions of myself riding Lady Godiva style upon a noble steed! When Floridian Tim Clements hit a $3.3 million jackpot in 2004, he decided to return to the farm life he grew up in. Even better, Clements noted that the farm he bought is secluded enough to ride in the buff.
Two problems with the big idea: local zoning laws and a nudity ban in Hernando County have prevented the Nude Dude Ranch from operating. Clements said they’ll try to get the necessary paperwork, but if they can’t get approval he’ll close the ranch again to all but friends (d’oh)!
Though their Web site indicates that clothing is optional, everyone “must wear pants and boots to ride the horses” (thankfully, cuz it sounded kind of unsanitary). Regardless, it seems my visions of galloping naked will have to wait for now – it might also help if I knew how to ride a horse.
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