Judge Jerks Off During Mediation
A district court judge is accused of using inappropriate language and appeared to be masturbating while mediating a divorce settlement. (How does one only ‘appear’ to be masturbating?) One of the lawyers present alleges that the judge’s actions were so offensive that even her client’s estranged husband complained about it during the trial. Moreover, the woman involved in the case continued that the judge attempted to discuss her undergarments and her sex life, though neither was relevant to the case.
After the woman filed a complaint about his behavior, the judge launched his own investigation into her private life and used his power to influence the divorce proceedings. She also states that he also had court personnel write false documents to the commission attacking her and insisting the judge did nothing wrong.
As a result of judge’s actions, the woman claims that she suffered loss of income, reputation, inconvenience, insult, mental distress, embarrassment, humiliation, anxiety, emotional pain and suffering. She is now seeking punitive damages. I always wondered what went on behind closed robes…
Man Accepts Pizza Delivery Naked
A pizza delivery woman called police after repeatedly delivering food to a man wearing no pants. (I can only ponder what shirt he would have chosen for this outfit.) Police reported that the woman delivering the pizza notified authorities after four similar incidents (where he tried to supply his own sausage).
An officer was sent to speak to the man to discuss his “inappropriate” behavior. The man has since been banned from all local pizza delivery, though the pizza delivery woman didn’t want to press charges. (I wonder if he’s yet realized the untapped Chinese food delivery market). The pizza delivery woman should have realized what was going on, since the man always ordered extra anchovies.
Sneeze Fetish Lands Elderly Man in Jail
An elderly man has been taken into custody and is expected to be charged with aggravated assault after he blew a powdery substance in a female store clerk’s face; twice.
The employee was ringing up the suspect’s purchases and when he handed her a check, he blew the substance into her face. She turned away to process his check and when she turned back to him, he did it a second time and waited in the store for a few moments before leaving.
Police eventually detained the suspect and the substance he used in the incident was later identified as white pepper. Police reported that after questioning, the man admitted to becoming sexually aroused by females sneezing. (Phlegm= NOT hot.)
The nature of the incident could not be considered sexual assault. But since the employee was taken to a local hospital for an irritated throat and arm, the suspect was arrested for aggravated assault (well, really a pepper rather than assault…) causing serious bodily harm.
Trucker Flips Trailer Driving and Jerking
A trucker reportedly driving high was masturbating and lost control of the vehicle, flipping the truck and blocking multiple lanes of traffic.
You would think a car accident might distract him from the job at hand (literally), but no. Committed to the act, the trucker kept right on spankin’ it. Even during the police interrogation, he just kept on keepin’ on.
The trucker confessed to pleasuring himself while driving, resulting in his loss of control of the vehicle. The accident shut down one direction of traffic entirely and closed one lane traveling in the other direction.
My only question: so did the guy ever cum or not???
The Ring II: Penis Extension Fail
A 50-year-old man put his penis through the hole of a steel, ring-shaped dumbbell weight fastener, got stuck, and couldn’t remove his member from the would-be steel vagina. The man thought the weight from the metal object would extend his organ, but instead he rendered it practically useless.
The collar-like fastener cut off circulation to the man’s penis, which blackened and swelled to five times its normal size (so I guess it kind of worked…). In order to remove the ring, firefighters were forced saw through the ring.
Doctors reported that if the man waited any longer, the flesh in his penis would have died (which makes me shudder, and I don’t even have a penis… since the accident).
Firefighters set up a watering system to prevent the sparks created from the sawing from injuring the man when cutting through the thick ring around his penis. The process took two hours.
The armed forces have been hit by a major equipment problem, according to reports. Flimsy Swedish military bras apparently can’t handle the strains imposed when female Swedish troops engage in “rigorous exercises”. Reports indicate the faulty undergarments regularly burst open (hot) or even catch fire (hotter; literally) and force busty young recruits to quickly strip in the field (hottest).
An organization that fights for rights of Swedish military troops told a local paper that government-issued military brassieres given to female soldiers have long been unfit for combat.
And that the women have complained for years that in addition to catching fire the bras’ fasteners tend to come undone during drills, forcing the female soldiers to take off all of their equipment in order to refasten the brassieres.
The problem would seem an easy one to solve, but the male-dominated Swedish military hierarchy has failed to act (for obvious reason).
Police Stop Naked Jogger
This week a man received a warning after police spotted him jogging naked.
The Swiss 26-year-old told police that running naked “allows his skin to absorb more oxygen.”
Oh, but he wasn’t completely naked. He was wearing running shoes, a cap, sunglasses and a pouch around his waist. (Talk about a fanny pack.)
He stated that he ran in a similar outfit around three times a week. (Um, none?)
Police registered an official complaint against him for indecent exposure, and the man agreed to wear more clothing from now on; (namely a necktie).
Homeless Man Charged With Indecent Exposure
A homeless man was arrested Saturday after authorities say he was seated outside a Laundromat wearing a jeans jacket around his waste, but no pants. When questioned, the man claimed his pants were inside being washed.
One witness told police that she walking out of the gas station next door when she passed the man, who lifted one leg as she walked by, exposing his genitalia to her. The man from East Naples (more like east nipples) was arrested for indecent exposure in public, trespassing, having an open container of alcohol in a public area and resisting an officer without violence.
Trash Bin Tryst Thwarted By Thieves
So this couple was caught f*cking in a dumpster… big whoop; we already read a similar story back in April. Oh, but there’s a twist to this new story: Apparently the dirty deed (literally) in a Wichita trash bin went awry when the couple found themselves held up at knife-point.
Police say the two 44-year-olds were engaged in intercourse when men interrupted them and demanded their belongings, including their shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet.
Police also stated that the robbers were a 64-year-old man (who evidently found no need to retire) and his 59-year-old companion. The suspects were found a short time later and the stolen property was returned.
“It’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that”.
Brothel’s Opening Day Draws Huge… Crowds
Opening day at the first legal brothel in Toowoomba, Australia was surprisingly described as so laid back it was almost a family occasion. (Um, I don’t know what they do with their families…)
Apparently husbands, wives, friends and grown children stopped in at the opening and many were impressed with the quality of the establishment and the discreet street frontage. (This is one high-class whorehouse!)
Police were on standby in case demonstrations were planned, but there were no problems. The developer stated that the opening went well and that by the end of the day about a thousand people had passed through the door.
Locals reported having heard about the event and thought it would be interesting to see the inside of a brothel. (Like some fucking museum, literally.) One attendee stated, “I’ve never been in a brothel before and we heard this is the only chance to see it without being a client.” (Did your wife buy that one too?)
