A technician at an imaging center was caught driving with a stash of X-rays, mammograms, videos and pictures of women and children, which police believe he was using for sexual gratification.
The 42-year old had hundreds of such images in his car when he was stopped Sunday on a traffic violation. He was held in the county jail and charged with four counts of possession of child pornography.
Police have not been able to determine why he was carrying the images with him, (but I think it would have made a lovely coffee table book).
Man Claims Stolen Goods Were Sex Toys
Patrolling officers first saw the 34 year-old walking around with an empty bag early in the morning last week. The man was stopped a few hours later when the same officers noticed that the bag he had been toting around was suddenly and inexplicably very full.
When asked about the bag’s contents, the man claimed that it was full of his ex-wife’s sex toys. (I know I always travel with my ex’s sex toys.) Checking the bag, the officers found another man’s wallet, a couple’s checkbook, lottery tickets, a GPS device, CDs, an American Express receipt, a couple of parking tickets, two cell phone chargers, a pink iPod, a camera, a Nissan key, gold charms and a watch. (Exactly what sort of sex game was this?)
Authorities soon determined that the items were from three cars nearby that had been broken into. The man was charged with burglarizing the vehicles and two counts each of receiving stolen property and felony larceny. Police said more charges are expected as the investigation progresses (such as falsely advertising sex toys).
Man Kicked in Groin Loses Testicle
A man who does not want to be identified (for obvious reasons) is down one testicle after a brunette in her 20s kicked him in the balls with her high heel.
The attack appears to have been unprovoked and random.
Medical records indicate that the force of the kick pushed one of the victim´s testicles into his abdomen!
He then had to undergo surgery to repair the damage, when doctors discovered that the testicle had ruptured and were forced to remove it.
(Ok, even I felt that and I don’t even have any testicles… anymore.)
Authorities stated that three such attacks have been reported in recent weeks.
Police also believe that there may be others victims of this woman who have not reported the attacks and are investigating further (and covering their testicles while doing so).
Chew On This: Vaginal Mints
Ladies, in case you’re worried about how you might taste south of the border, no need to fear! Since we all love stickin’ stuff up there, how about a savory mint?
Linger: International Feminine Flavoring saves you menacing embarrassment, claiming to “improve the quality of oral sex” by flavoring “the secretions of a woman when she is sexually aroused”. (Seems like quite a promise, but any woman can tell you a fresh tasting vaj doesn’t equal satisfaction… for her anyway).
The idea was too intriguing NOT to click on ‘instructions’. Much to my disappointment, there was no diagram. Instead, copy states that “Linger is shaped for comfort during insertion” (suspect). Personally, good ol’ soap and H20 have gotten me this far…
Man Arrested for Being Naked in His Own Home
A man was making coffee in his kitchen Monday morning, not thinking anything of being naked since he was home alone. However, a woman and her 7-year-old son were walking through his front yard just at that moment and caught sight of the 29-year-old man having breakfast in the buff through his window. (Exactly what were they doing walking through his front yard?)
The woman called the police and the man was arrested for indecent exposure. The man argued that he didn’t know he could be seen, but authorities believe he wanted people to see him like that.
Outraged, the man stated that, “If I stood and seemed comfortable in my kitchen, it’s natural. It’s my kitchen,” He’s now facing a year in jail and a $2,000 fine, but plans to fight the charge. (Good thing I live on the fifth floor!)
Testicles: The Other White Meat
A lot of international cuisine can make the American stomach turn, but perhaps none so much as the art of cooking testicles. The Testicle Olympiad began in 2005 and has since been held annually as the world’s premiere “festival of testicle-cooking”, held in the Serbian region of Šumadija.
During the festival, teams compete for best tasting testes and work only with pork, veal, goat and ram testicles. The festival has been such a success that the organization released a testicle cookbook as a result, which boasts recipes for all kinds of testicle-based dishes: pizza and goulash; barbecued and stewed; cooked with wine; with bourguignonne sauce; in an omelet; with béchamel sauce.
The general belief is that testosterone-rich testicles are a powerful aphrodisiac, which naturally prompts many men bring their wives to the big eating event. The Šumadija’s Testicle Olympiad is not the only festival for this ‘gourmet cuisine’. The US began hosting such events in the 1950s, like The Rocky Mountain Oyster Feed in Idaho. (Any state that claims ‘I-da-ho’ would naturally host an event celebrating testicles; regardless, the term ‘testicle festival’ is pretty catchy).
A New Oasis for Penis Enlargement
Croatia is the new cheap destination for penis enlargements!
They cite the example of a young Irishman, who reports having his penis enlarged at a clinic in Zagreb, Croatia for 60 percent less than it would have cost in the United States. (What a deal!)
The lad was ready to pay almost $17K for the surgery in the States, but, thanks to the World Wide Web, he stumbled upon a Croatian clinic and got his desired results for less than $7K. (So, does he, like, have a girlfriend?)
A man sought medical treatment after his genitals were bitten when forcing a man to perform oral sex. (Ladies, take notes!) A homeless drunk was loitering in a local park when he saw his 60-year-old target sleeping under a pavilion.
The homeless man woke the dozing gentleman and asked for money. When the man refused, the homeless man knocked him to the ground. The gentleman got up and walked to the park bathrooms, where the homeless man followed him inside, grabbed his head and forced him to perform oral sex on him. (How did he get his pants down so fast, I wonder).
The gentleman bit the homeless man’s genitals; drawing blood and causing him to flee for help at a police station nearby. Police then rushed him to a local hospital where he was given a tetanus shot and treated for his wounds; namely lacerations of the foreskin. The functions of his penis were not damaged (insert your sigh of relief here).
After questioning, the homeless man was turned over for prosecution on sexual harassment charges. ‘So exactly what were you doing when your penis was bitten?’ ‘Well, it all started this guy wouldn’t give me money and I knocked him on his ass…”
Woman Severs Husband’s Penis
A woman was reported to have severed her husband’s penis during his sleep yesterday.
Suspecting that her 34-year-old husband was having an affair, she cut his penis with a pair of scissors.
The man was sent to nearby hospital and his penis was stitched up by 11am yesterday, according to hospital officials.
The woman’s mother stated that her daughter suffered from mental problems. (Ya think???)
Things went terribly wrong for a former Jehovah’s Witness when he circumcised his four-year-old son at home with a razor blade and blood coagulant meant for horses. The man initially became interested in circumcision after reading books by some crackpot religious fanatic who advocates it (and who also claims that there are Biblical answers to “all of the problems in society, including the number of abortions and homosexuals, and the national debt.” Someone should really let Obama know…)
After hearing a radio show on circumcision, the man decided to circumcise himself using a razor, Band-Aids, peroxide, a roll of gauze and a clear plastic ring that he believed would act as an anesthetic. The home surgery resulted in bleeding of his foreskin in nine places, which doctors sutured at hospital; his penis became infected. Apparently his own experience didn’t deter him from practicing his new trade. While at the hospital, he asked doctors about the procedure since it was not possible at the time of his son’s birth due to his small size. Doctors advised against circumcising a four-year-old boy and refused to help him.
Disregarding the medical professionals’ advice, he bought a blood coagulant used for horses because it was cheaper than that for humans. He told his son that the procedure might hurt a bit but not for long, and that it would grant him “extra special protection from God“, allowing him to eat Passover lamb, ice cream and pick all the movies he wanted for a week. He also said told his son that it would be difficult to stay together as a family if the boy didn’t agree to be circumcised.
He then gave his son a teacup of homemade honey wine with eight to 12 percent alcohol. When the man’s hand slipped during the pseudo-circumcision he used paper towels and the veterinary blood coagulant but the poor boy still had to go to hospital. Among numerous problems that occurred: The blades the man used were neither sharp nor sterile. The kitchen cutting board under the boy’s penis could have been covered with bacteria from food. The veterinary coagulant was inappropriate and could have led to bleeding, infection and necrosis.
To no surprise, the man was found guilty of negligence causing bodily harm. My question: What the hell was his wife doing while he mutilated their son???
