Flasher Claims He Was ‘Airing His Penis’
Two teenage girls were enjoying their neighborhood park when they spotted a man on a nearby park bench with his erect penis in his hand.
The man who flashed the teenage girls explained to police that he was merely ‘airing his penis’ due to a rash. (Why you would want to publicly expose your pox-ridden genitalia in broad daylight is beyond me.)
He also denied masturbating (just scratching at his rash profusely, I guess) and stated that he had been unaware of people passing him in the park.
The man was charged with willful and obscene exposure and fined $250. His penis was not taken in for evidence nor removed for questioning…
Police have begun investigations into a case involving a teacher who inserted ginger into a three-year-old student’s vagina. The teacher admits committing the act but explains the girl is very stubborn (so naturally she deserves to be sexually assaulted with a tuberous root). The teacher claims to have taken this approach because the girl would not change her “bad attitude”.
The little girl returned home from school complaining of pains around her genitals. When her mother asked who had inflicted the pain, the little girl responded that a teacher had pushed some ginger into her vagina. She was then rushed to the hospital because she was bleeding profusely from the act. The father of the girl described the punishment as barbaric and unacceptable.
While punitive measures are being taken against the teacher, the problem has been traced to certain cultural practices in Ghana against which the public must be educated on. Experts indicated that ‘gingering’ is still a fairly common practice in Ghana that needs to be eliminated from society. (Ya think???)
Penis Spray Shown To Help Men Last Longer
Good news for minutemen everywhere! A new topical penis spray has been proven to help men delay orgasm. Studies showed that men who typically ejaculated within 36 seconds of penetration lasted five times longer after using the spray.
Sprayed directly over the penis only five minutes before intercourse helped delay orgasm by an average of 108 seconds. Moreover, a 1-month use helped delay ejaculation for over three minutes, while a 3-month use prolonged delay for three minutes and 42 seconds.
The product caused no serious side-effects and was well accepted by the their female sex partners (no shit, thanks Captain Obvious). However .5% of the female partners reported a decreased sensation in the vagina and a burning sensation in the vagina was recorded in about 5% of the female partners (OK, honeymoon’s over).
Man Charged After Home Neutering Fail
Just in case you’re thinking of neutering your cat at home, don’t! A man now faces charges of animal cruelty after tying an elastic band around his cat’s testicles in an effort to fix his pet. He was initially charged after he took his black cat, Shadow, to a local animal hospital suffering from a serious infection.
The veterinarian reported that the cat’s scrotum was badly infected and the smell of rotting flesh was obvious. Though the cat’s testicles were intact, the skin and supporting muscle had died and rotted. The veterinarian continued that had the cat not been brought in, he would most likely have died.
In his defense, the man told the judge that he went along with the elastic-around-the-scrotum idea after a friend told him it was “an old farmer’s trick.” (PS, that’s why farmers aren’t veterinarians.) The man was on welfare at the time and could not afford to have the cat properly neutered at a clinic. This friend (some woman he’d known for less than four hours) reassured the man that the elastic band would not cause the cat pain and would force its testicles fall off in 30 days.
During the court proceedings, veterinary professionals testified that it’s true that elastic-band castration techniques are sometimes used with livestock like sheep and cattle. However, in those cases, special elastics are used that are very strong and exert extreme pressure on the connecting tissues, veins and tubes beneath the skin. Also, that has never been a technique as it relates to cats.
The prosecuting attorney stated that the man should known his way of neutering his pet would cause it pain and distress. (Seriously, I mean he has testicles too, right?) He went on to say, “It doesn’t take an expert to know that putting an elastic around your testicles hurts. Ignorance is not a legal defense.”
The cat’s infection was treated and he was properly neutered. He declined to comment on the recent unpleasantness.
Police arrested a wet, naked man on methamphetamine-related charges early yesterday morning. (It’s openings like these that make a story really work.) Cops received an anonymous complaint at around 2:43 a.m. of a man inside the fence of a storage-shed company. When the patrolman arrived, he found a man with a flashlight near an open storage unit.
After briefly conversing with the officer, the suspect fled deeper into the company’s complex. The officer then called for back up and police began searching the yard when another officer saw the naked man just inside the fence. The suspect admitted to stripping and hiding in a nearby pond hoping to avoid the police dog. However, he got cold (not to mentioned, he suffered from a severe case of shrinkage) and surrendered to police.
Police discovered a working meth lab in the storage unit and additional officers were called in to dismantle the lab. Police arrested the suspect on preliminary charges of resisting law enforcement, manufacturing methamphetamine… and two outstanding warrants for unpaid child support (just for shits & giggles).
Designing Vaginas
Ok, I didn’t know that this was even possible, or that anyone would find it necessary, but apparently some women opt to have surgery just for the sake of a better looking vagina. Research teams studied various psychological and physical reasons a woman decides to under go this surgery and found that an aesthetically appealing sex organ was the most popular reason. Others cited difficulty in wearing tight clothes or riding a bike, while some women said that they are embarrassed in front of a sexual partner.
However, experts claim that most women undergoing this treatment aren’t properly educated about the procedure. Studies show that women who choose to have this operation, known as a Labioplasty, could have health problems later on since research hasn’t been done on the long-term effects. Research teams added that it is also possible that surgery can increase sexual problems by damaging the nerve supply to the area, leading to impaired sexual sensitivity and satisfaction (SO not worth the risk).
Crazy Man Makes Teddy Bears Out of Placenta
It’s true that in some cultures, it is customary to eat the placenta after the birth in order to honor the act of childbirth and to resupply the new mother with nutrients. Other than that, most doctors simply dispose of the stuff, but one British designer wants to change that. He’s excited to announce that he’s has found a way to turn placenta into a lovable (yet absolutely vile) teddy bear.
The artist says it’s a “crafty alternative for those who don’t necessarily want to eat their baby’s placenta, but want to pay their respects to the life-sustaining organ by turning it into a one-of-a-kind teddy bear.”
In case you weren’t disgusted enough, the artist shared his process on how the teddy bear is made. First he cures the placenta with salt and then he softens it with some egg and tannins. Once soft, he sews it in to the shape of a teddy bear and then stuffs it with rice. And after all, who doesn’t love cuddling up with a sack of after-birth: the perfect gift for any psychopath this holiday season.
Teacher Fired for Drawing Phallic Florida
Seems like teachers everywhere are causing controversy. After reading the story discussed in yesterday’s post, it was clear why the homework raised eyebrows all over. However, the incident in question today is no less than retardo (it’s an industry term).
A middle school teacher was fired after drawing a map of the United States which featured Florida as a fat, penis-shaped state (which it is). He then made a remark about the state being excited. Apparently that was enough to get him canned. The district fired him for the comment, insisting he created a sexually hostile environment. (Exactly what was he doing with the lewd drawing of the state?)
To no surprise the students rallied on Facebook, starting a page to support their teacher. They’ve also started a petition to dump the school’s principal, superintendent and cabinet. The teacher has stated that he’ll be appeal his firing (not to mention refraining from drawing state maps freehand).
A Bronx high school English teacher has been suspended after assigning his 11th-grade class a short story about masturbation. (Why couldn’t I have had such teachers in high school???) “Fight Club” author, Chuck Palahniuk, wrote the piece assigned, which details the stories of 3 teens whose masturbatory attempts go increasingly awry by employing the use of a carrot, a candle, and the water intake at the bottom of a swimming pool.
Putting the ass in assignment, the homework was not well-received by the school’s administration and the teacher was quickly removed from the classroom while the Department of Education investigates. In response, students have rallied behind their teacher and have started a letter-writing campaign to the school’s administration. In addition they’ve started a ”Save Mr. V” group on Facebook (of which I’m now a fan, of course).
The verdict on this case is still pending… (PS. This has Donna Martin graduates written all over it.) To read the assignment, click here (many thanks to Jenn for hookin’ us up with the controversial content).
“My Vagina’s Falling”: A Horror Story
One woman exposed her health horror story, stating bluntly, “My vagina fell out of my body.” The 39-year-old school psychologist suffered from a rare combination of disorders that began when she was in her 10th week of pregnancy with her second child. She had been practicing prenatal yoga at home when suddenly she felt a pain she described as someone ramming a pitchfork up her ass, so she stopped. (I would do the same.)
Later that day, she ran to the bathroom thinking she had to urinate, but gushed blood instead. Her OB/GYN couldn’t figure out what was wrong, and she kept bleeding. In her 25th week, she was put on bed rest in the hospital for three weeks. When she finally went home, she started bleeding again and had to go back.
Doctors found that she had developed a hematoma outside her placenta, and they thought that was the root of her problem, but that was just the tip of the vaginal ice burg. Every time she went to the bathroom, she noticed her vagina falling out more and more, so she finally went to a specialist who confirmed her diagnosis, exclaiming,
“‘Holy crap — your vagina is falling out of your body, and it’s dragging your bladder and your rectum along with it!’”
In addition to a uterine prolapse, the poor woman also suffered from rectocele; a condition where the rectum pushes into the back walls of the vagina. She was also suffering from cystocele, a condition similar to rectocele, only with the bladder. After discovering the problem, the woman was able to undergo a series of surgeries to restore her vagina, untwist her bladder, and push her rectum back into place. (Horrified by this story, I pictured Henny Penny running down the street, yelling “My vagina’s falling, my vagina’s falling!”)
