Woman Caught with Bag of Xanax in her Vagina
Oh, nature’s pocketbook – the vagina: the perfect hiding spot for all of your illegal contraband. A 27-year-old woman was pulled over for speeding in a school zone. When the officer asked if he could do a search, the woman replied, “I have a bag of zani bars down my pants.” (Or was she just happy to see him…)
She explained to the officer that she did not have a prescription for the pills and became scared when she saw the deputy’s lights come on. She then took the bag from her purse and placed them into her vagina.
Only when the search was requested did she then produce the clear, plastic baggy that had eight whole Xanax pills and seven that were cut in half. She was charged with drug possession, but her vagina’s still not speaking to her for outing their stash.
A naked man vandalized the ‘Welcome to Las Vegas’ sign while a local news crew shot the entire thing live while covering another story nearby.
Wearing nothing but a barrel and a Santa hat, a man took red and black paint and splashed it against the famous sign in protest of having recently lost his job recently and all his gambling winnings too.
(How exactly he blames the Nevada city for his troubles, I’m not sure. Also unclear as to why this had to be done in the nude, though I’m sure alcohol was involved.)
The man is now facing charges for defacing public property, but is now acutely aware that what happens in Vegas is sometimes televised nationally.
A high school Art teacher approached a student’s desk to check on his art project when she noticed him staring off into space. She was attempting to get his attention, when the student pulled up his shirt and ‘took it out’.
He then began to moan “Ay mami” and started spanking it enthusiastically in front of the teacher as well as the 30 other students in class, ranging from 14 to 17 years old.
The teacher was unable to stop the student from his continued masturbation (now that’s dedication) and ran to get help from school police, who arrested the student felony charges of indecency with a child (his classmates).
He’s being held in the local county jail on $5,000 bail, not easy to cum by in high school. Well maybe his parents are professional online gamblers; 86 hours on the WPT Casino ought to catch the bail money.
Something tells me this kid won’t have a problem keeping busy until then. To his defense, I masturbated in Art History class once too, but that’s only because we were studying Michelangelo’s David. (How can he have such large hands and such a small cock? I call shenanigans.)
Woman Splits Police Officer’s Testicle
Police arrested a woman after she became aggressive when attempting to remove her mother and brother from a nursing home, in violation of an order by the Guardianship Board. Resisting arrest, the 58-year-old woman refused to get into the police car and urinated all over her clothes, rubbing her soaked dress into a senior officer’s face and chest. (I think we’d get along swimmingly!)
She continued her erratic behave until she was taken to a cell at the local police station. When the same police officer tried to stop her standing up, the woman grabbed his testicles, twisted them, and would not let go. (WOMANOAH!)
The assault left the officer with a tear in his right epididymis, which later became infected, leaving him with ongoing chronic pain and concerns over his ability to father children. (Ok, that might have been a bit much.)
Upon further investigation, doctors and psychiatric reports showed that the woman suffered a “mixed personality disorder with borderline histrionic and narcissistic traits“. The judge acknowledged that the woman was “extremely distressed” at the time because the Guardianship Board, Public Advocate and police had treated her mother and brother, suffering from dementia and Downs Syndrome, in an unfair manner.
In light of the woman’s condition and the circumstances surrounding her immediate family, the judge presiding over the case suspended her nine-month prison term on the condition that she agree to probation for two years and undergoes (severe) psychiatric treatment.
Playboy Forces Us See Tara Reid Naked… Again
I happened to have had the misfortune of growing up in the same town as Tara Reid. We went to the same grade school and my father still lives in the same house in which I grew up. One day he was in line at the bank when he happened to hear a conversation going on between the teller and the woman in front of him.
The woman said, in the Jerseyest of Jersey accents, “So she says, ‘So come to LA.’ So we says, so we can’t cuz the dawg. So she says ‘So bring the dawg.’ So we’re bringin’ the dawg ta LA!’ My father stared in wonder as the woman left the bank and asked the teller who she was. The teller replied that the woman was Tara Reid’s mother. My father, who has yet to visit an ATM, responded, “What is a Tara Reid?”
The answer to this age old questions is: A rich debauched alcoholic hobag with a botched boob job; and this is why she’s famous. Of course Playboy has to get a piece of the Z-list celeb action by exposing us all to her bad breast augmentation surgery… again. We’ve already seen her naked – who decided she might get better looking by aging? Not I, said the little red hen.
Not sure how to tell the special woman in your life how you feel?
Well don’t try pissing through her mail slot.
Police arrested a man for property damage after he repeatedly left his “scent” through the mail slot of the apartment belonging to the woman he liked.
The man would visit the woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and urinate through the mail slot onto a towel hung just inside the slot to keep people from peering into the apartment (might have kept them from peering, but unfortunately not from peeing).
Apparently, he’s been doing it for quite some time since the woman reported that her doorbell would often ring in the middle of the night since August and he’d leave his “mark” inside the entrance to her apartment.
Literal Nutcase Cuts Off His Own Testicles
For one man, true love means cutting off your balls for no particular reason. One seriously disturbed farmer cut off his testicles with a razor blade and sewed up the wound with thread in order to remain faithful to his wife. Apparently the farmer and his wife haven’t had sex in some time. Fearing that he might stray, he commented that,
“I did it because I haven’t had intimate contact with my wife in six years and because of my Christian beliefs, I took a razor blade and cut off my testicle. I sewed up [the wound] with needle and thread that I use on cows and pigs, so that I wouldn’t cheat on my wife.”
He then justified his actions by quoting the Gospel of St Matthew, Chapter 18, verses 8 and 9:
“Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.”
(I’d just like to point out for the record that no where in the text does it even mention a single testicle.) The farmer was hospitalized two days later when the damaged area became infected and doctors had to remove a blood clot from the remains of the man’s testicles.
The perfect stocking stuffer this holiday season (that’s what she said), get your loved ones something they can’t return: nothing says Christmas like a chocolate mold of your penis.
The new Clone-A-Willy manufactured by HolisticWisdom.com is a kit that provides the ability to clone any penis into an edible chocolate model.
With Clone-A-Willy, you can commemorate your cock with a delicious chocolate treat the whole family can enjoy. Free cock ring with any purchase. (YES, this is for real).
A homeowner, who adorned his front lawn with Michelangelo’s “David”, decided to make him seasonally appropriate by adding a Santa hat and beard. His goal was to give drivers a chuckle as they passed, but he succeeded only in pissing people off.
Parents began calling city officials complaining that their children had seen the Renaissance statue thus adorned and asked why Santa was naked. (They must think Santa is like Barbie; no reproductive parts.)
The city responded that the statue did not violate any town ordinances and there were no obscenity issues. But an official left the homeowner a voice mail requesting that he put more clothes on David. The homeowner complied by adding a pair of black and white velvet shorts, with a Christmas bow (as Michelangelo turns over in his grave).
A man was sentenced to nine months in prison after pleading guilty to exposing himself in front of children and committing an indecent act in connection with four separate incidents.
He was first spotted masturbating in the children’s section of a local bookstore (giving the term ‘book worm’ a new and gruesome definition).
Later that year he pulled his pants down while staring at a 14-year-old girl in the children’s section of a public library. (More like pubic library – ‘Fun with Dick and… dick’?)
The two incidents were committed while he was already on probation for a similar offense — the second on his record. He justified his behavior by claiming that he was “under the influence of marijuana” and in case no one bought that story, that he was “commanded by Satan to masturbate”. (Best. Excuse. Ever.)
The 45-year- old denied having sexual interest in kids, but tests showed that he is aroused by young girls. Regardless, when appearing in court with his mother, (Really? With his mother? At age 45?) he apologized and insisted he won’t do it again (except, of course, if Satan commands him to, in which case, it’s go time).
