How to Masturbate Discreetly in Public
If you’re a natural born horn-dog and have never tried masturbating (discreetly) in public, you’re missing out. The danger of getting caught can be quite thrilling, and apparently not I’m alone in this sentiment. A recent article published by The Daily Loaf has some helpful hints on how you can get started being naughty on the down low, such as:
Hide a Vibe Lipgloss – The perfect lip color or a secret pocket rocket for your portable pleasure? Only you can tell!
Vibrating Panties – Arouse your button with just a push of a button.
Seat Massager – Recommended for men (though I don’t really get how that translates into masturbation…)
My personal favorite is the old standby “crotch hole in the overalls” trick – works every time.
For the full article, click here.
Next Olympic Sport: Pole Dancing
If you’ve even been to at least one good strip bar (and you know you have), you know that pole dancing can get pretty intense. Well it’s not just for crack whores any more. One Japanese pole dancer wants to prove that her twenty-five hours of weekly training and blister covered hands deserve attention from someone other than leering pervs. She’s one of many who are now supporting pole dancing as the next official Olympic sport.
What was once considered taboo has suddenly attracted thousands of practitioners who strive to perfect an art form previously known only to tawdry strip clubs. The founder of the International Pole Dancing Fitness Association, the sport’s mother-ship organization, stated, “There will be a day when the Olympics see pole dancing as a sport. The Olympic community needs to acknowledge the number of people doing pole fitness now.” The organization is targeting the 2012 Olympic Games as the first to include.
One of Finland’s most renown pole dance teachers compares the sport to skateboarding or snowboarding, two popular Olympic events despite somewhat controversial beginnings. However, some pole dancers fear that the sexy side of the dance will be lost if it becomes a legitimate sport (Pole Dancing Olympic Scores: Skill- 9/Sex Appeal- 4). One thing is for true, it will be a whore of a different color without the stilettos and thongs.
To read the full article, click here.
Vagina Rejuvenation Spray
If the artificial hymen isn’t enough to prove your faux purity, now there’s Instant Virgin vagina tightening spray! Made of all natural ingredients, this new herbal spray can be applied 15 minutes prior to sex and promises to start tightening the vaginal walls immediately.
The manufacturing company states that the product is condom safe and will not affect fertility. (Yea, I don’t know that you’d want to tighten your vagina any time around pregnancy.) There’s even a money back guarantee if it does produce the desired result. (“Hey, my vagina’s still loose!”)
Daily use of the item will apparently prevent your vagina from “further aging” and provide for “total vagina rejuvenation”. (Rejuvajnation? Eh, there’s somethin’ there…) The makers continue that the item is very economically price and that after all, “Men prefer a tight vagina”. (Thanks, Captain Obvious.)
Everyone who has had fears about having a heart attack at a Swiss whorehouse can now breathe a sigh of relief. Swiss prostitutes are now being trained to use defibrillators when needed. Brothel owners say it’s important to have electric shock treatment on-site in case one of their many elderly customers need to jump start their hearts from too much excitement.
The most recent victim was just having some fun with anti-impotence medication, and wound up giving the term ‘Die Hard’ new definition. His death is only one in a series of incidents of old men croaking in a similar fashion .
Defibrillators work by delivering a controlled electric shock to the heart to restore a normal heartbeat, after it has stopped. Reports indicate that Health professionals support the idea of stocking brothels and sex clubs with defibrillators in sex clubs and brothels. One brothel owner stated, “Having customers die on us isn’t exactly good publicity“. (Ya think???)
Gum To Help Men Perform
If you have a hard time getting it up (pun intended) and you’re too chicken shit to get a prescription for Viagra, then prepare to celebrate (the party in your pants). Introducing a new line of gum that you’ll get a hard-on for,literally: erection-enhancing gum.
The new Sexlets brand chewing gum is about to be released to the market and boasts of a combination of ginseng, Vitamin E, yohimbe bark and orchic powder, (crushed bull testicles, naturally) to help power your penis. A pack of 15 goes for $11.97 and each piece looks like a vitamin. The vitamin turns into powder in your mouth (ew) and then into peppermint-flavored gum. Frankly this sounds more nauseating than Pop Rocks (which would really be a better name for the product). Recommended dosage is 4 tablets per boner.
It’s not the Oriental Pearl Cream they’ve been trying to trick you into believing all of these years that’s keeping Asian women looking so youthful. It’s the artificial hymen. The first method of creating an artificial hymen was known as a ‘hymenorrhaphy‘, a form of cosmetic surgery where the hymen tissue is pulled back together so it can be ‘re-popped.’ The problem with the procedure is that it basically costs an arm and a vagina.
Now many Chinese street vendors offer artificial hymens or ‘maidenheads’, which inflate inside the vagina and can then be ‘popped’ open with a penis. There are many artificial hymen kits on the market now, such as Night Red, Virtuous Girl Red, and Joan of ARC Red. Disappointingly enough, I haven’t been able to find a link where one may purchase these online. Personally, I think I’m too old to try this, but if I ever decide to become a born again virgin, it will come in handy.
Scorned Woman Posts Teeny Weenie Pics
She who laughs last laughs best. Especially when she’s laughing at her ex-boyfriend’s small dick and the whole world is laughing with her. One very funny 18-year-old female was charged with harassment for posting pics of her ex’s “little” penis on lampposts in his neighborhood. After the 24-year old man ended their brief relationship to date another woman, the Swedish teen posted pictures of her ex’s genitalia, complete with the “tiny” description, and added her ex-lover’s name and phone number to the post, just so no one would confuse his identity. Seriously though, if it was really that small, then why is she pissed he’s with someone else? Good riddance if you ask me (coming from a size queen deluxe). To read the full article, click here.
Four Stages of Orgasm
If you thought orgasm was just wham, bam, warm and sticky liquids everywhere, well apparently that’s not all there is to it. An article in The Eye Opener states that there are actually four stages to every orgasm, for both men and women. First comes the excitement phase (pun intended). This stage is associated with increased heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure. As the body prepares for sex, the nipples usually get hard. (Yay-ya!)
The second stage is the plateau phase, where muscles begin to tense up. According to the article, in this stage “women will find the tissues of the outer third of the vagina will swell. Men pre-ejaculate.” The third stage, everyone’s favorite of course, is the actual orgasm phase. Marked by pleasurable moans and groans, this stage also includes muscle contractions in the lower pelvic muscles and involuntary actions. (Like a bitch slap?) During 4th phase, resolution, muscles relax, blood pressure drops and the body calms down. Evidently, for some (and I’m thinking I’m one of them), this can take as long as a full 24 hours.
The Amazing Sperm Race
According to National Geographic, sperm is pretty friggin’ cool. At least, that’s what their new documentary “Sizing Up Sperm” seeks to depict. Premiering March 14th, the show will illustrate how every time a guy blows his load, millions of sperm fight in a battle of epic proportions to overcome competitors, armies of antibodies and spermicides in the quest for an eggy victory.
A twist on sex ed, the show brings ejaculation to life (pun intended) by using real people to portray each of the 250 million sperm emitted during male orgasm. Fertility experts walk the viewer through a visual journey from a sperm’s point of view, using “striking landscapes” (ok, that sounds a little scary) to show various phases of the process. Supposedly the testicle is represented by an oversized London skyscraper, so that seems promising… To view the full article, click here.
A 28-year old man/nerdlover has been charged for using World of Warcraft to lure boys into emailing him nude pictures and videos of themselves. (Seriously, who wants naked pictures of pimply pubescent dorks?) The man had apparently accumulated a lot of ‘gold’ in the game World of Warcraft and was exchanging his gold for naked photos and video footage, including “live webcam videos of masturbation.”
Authorities discovered approximately 10,000 illegal pictures and 1200 videos of naked young boys ages 12 – 16 years old in the man’s possession. The man admitted to receiving the photos and videos (obvi), but insists that he didn’t pressure the boys into sending him anything (just ePaid them). Click here for more.
