Twat Tree Gets Knotty Piercing
Residents of one lucky Williamsburg neighborhood have the pleasure of housing a tree whose trunk resembles a giant vagina.
Now the sexy Sycamore is even more distinctive in that it was just freshly pierced; right in the clit (well what would be the clit).
The artist prefers to remain anonymous, but the new adornment is obviously getting a lot of attention.
Who doesn’t love random acts of art in nature; especially one which emphasizes vaginas in any way?
The tree is situated at Bedford Ave. and North 12th St. on the outskirts of McCarren Park if you want to go check it out for yourself, or lick it, or whatever.
Residents are delighted since this will obviously bring up the value of property in the entire neighborhood.
One man was thwarted from enjoying the fruits of his labor when he was arrested for indecent exposure after attempting to weigh his junk on a produce scale in a local grocery. A shop assistant said she was told by other customers that two men were weighing their privates. When questioned, she stated that “He had something on the scales. I didn´t see it properly. It looked like a penis.” Guess it didn’t weight that much. (Also, not sure what else it could have been if it only looked like a penis.) Clearly shaken up by the site, the shop assistant then later admitted to not having actually seen the penis in the surveillance footage, and that she might have been mistaken,”Although there was something there, it could have been a hand. Maybe it was.” And denial ain’t just a river in Egypt…
The man admitted to being drunk (shocker) but also that he didn’t know the other man (awkward). Local authorities stated that on the surveillance video, two men were seen standing near the scales with their hands near the front of their pants. They appeared to be buttoning or zipping up their pants. The only eye witness stated that she could not be sure she had seen a penis. It was ruled that there wasn’t sufficient evidence in the case and the man was found not guilty.
Girl Has Testicles Removed
Now here’s a girl with balls. Literally, she had balls. A family court approved the removal of two testicles on a 14-year-old girl born with a rare genotype. The girl suffered from androgen insensitivity syndrome; genetically male with one X chromosome and one Y chromosome. Exactly why the courts had to be involved is unclear, but the girl’s parents had to apply to local Australian courts for permission for the surgery.
This condition results in the external sex characteristics of females but no uterus. Instead, individuals have undescended testicles; but apparently not always. The girl had been normal and healthy until she turned 11-years-old and discovered two lumps, one of which was in her abdomen. The other was… well, slightly lower. The courts also approved other procedures to confirm her gender.
No, this is not a new service that the police department has suddenly started offering. A 63-year old man was ordered to pay a police officer compensation for an assault that occurred at a local fireworks display. The man was agitated with the officer because traffic was blocked for almost two hours during the display.
He first began yelling at the cop and then grabbed his service-issued torch, trying to hit him with it. When that didn’t work he grabbed the cop’s balls and squeezed them. That worked.
During the trial, psychologist reports indicated that the cop suffered “mental or nervous shock” and on-going physical pain as a result of the attack and that “sitting on a motorbike remains uncomfortable for him“. The reason for the driver’s frustration was that at the time of the attack, the driver was being prevented from attending his wife’s birthday. He was ordered to pay $2,250 for “bruising” resulting from the attack and $15,000 for the “mental or nervous shock.”
$800 Fine for Penis Graffiti on Gay Home
Sadly, the headline to this story is much more entertaining than the facts. A man admitted to painting a florescent green penis on Gunns‘ chairman, John Gay’s property last year. The 21-year-old had been drinking with a friend (shocker) when the pair decided to buy some paint from Kmart in October. One painted the green penis on Gay’s fence while the other let off a smoke bomb on Gay’s doorstep. Disappointingly, the house was not gay, as I had initially thought by the headline.
Yesterday the painter pleaded guilty to one count of injuring property. His lawyer told the court his client’s actions constituted nothing more than “drunken tomfoolery” and that ”in the sober, cold light of day, (he) realized it was not very funny at all,” which I highly doubt since I’m not drunk but still had a good laugh… (PS. Picture shown here not actual graffiti from case, but so damn good I had to include…)
Man Shakes Bare Ass at Women in Target
Police arrested a man after they received a complaint of indecent exposure from a shopper at a local Target. The woman alleged that a man followed her around the store, “exposing his buttocks” and shaking them like a polaroid picture. (Why the surveillance vid is not yet on Youtube is disappointing to say the least.) Another shopper had made a similar complaint at a second Target earlier in the day.
When an officer saw a man fitting the description given, they interviewed him at police headquarters and finally arrested him. The 33 year-old was booked into the Oklahoma County jail on the complaints, but has not been formally charged in the case.
Court records showed that he pleaded guilty in ’99 to two counts of indecent exposure from an incident in 1998. Pretty emBARE-ASSing. Ah? Ah? Ahhhhh…
Police Raid Bestiality Farm
What do you do with your life after making a fortune in the 90s? Run a cocaine and marijuana business, of course. But what if that fails? Well then, you’ll naturally want to create a private bestiality farm for the sexual gratification of wealthy international guests.
The owner of the recently discovered sex farm initially made his money buying and selling small companies in the 1990s. In 2002 he filed for bankruptcy when creditors sought millions from him, whereupon he started running cocaine and marijuana across the border for a local drug kingpin. He was finally arrested in 2005 after being pulled him over with almost 375 pounds of cocaine in his vehicle, valued at $34 million.
Upon his release (but still under probation), the man hid out in a compound near the Canadian border. This is where he started the bestiality haven, which included mice with cut off tails, smothered in Vaseline with a string tied around them. Video footage obtained from a police raid also depicted guests having sex with several large-breed dogs. Dozens of horses and dogs were seized from the compound, many of which were in such a condition that they had to be euthanized. If convicted, the owner faces up to five years in prison.
The Whizzinator: Your Quick Dick Fix
Let’s say a traumatic injury resulted in the loss of your penis. (Shudder.) Or maybe you’ve never had the privilege of owning one and want to see what’s it’s like. That’s where The Whizzinator comes in: “The most realistic prosthetic on the market“.
The makers of The Whizzinator, Alternative Lifestyle Systems, produce “the highest quality solutions for an intimate and discreet lifestyle for adults everywhere“. They insist that their Whizzinator is the most life like strap-on money can buy.
Available in white, tan, brown, Latino (not really a color, is it), and (jet) black, The Whizzinator comes (not cums) with four heat packs, one ‘Golden Shower’ dehydrated synthetic human urine react pack, and… one syringe (it does cum)!
The item goes for $139.95 and is available online. Strap it on with pride y’all; this fucker’s made in America.
Quite possibly the most bizarre side effect resulting from an injury, a woman claims she became a sex addict after falling while using the Nintendo Wii Fit gaming platform. The twenty-four year old fell while using the balance board which caused nerve damage leading to Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. (So that’s what I’ve had all this time!)
The single woman now gets horny from subtle noises and vibrations, like, even from a cell phone. She described her symptoms as a “twinge down below” that is soon followed by a “trembling orgasm”. (And she says that like it’s a bad thing.) She claims that it now takes 10+ romps per day to bring any relief. (When she gets that feeling, she needs sexual healing… Sounds like a job for Marvin Gaye…) Sadly (or is it), there is no known cure for this condition. But it does open a new career path in porn, which I hear is extremely lucrative, so…
Interestingly enough, internet petitions against Nintendo have surfaced to gain awareness of injuries that can occur using the system.
The Anti Rape Condom With Teeth
Many women all over the world live in fear of being raped, which is NO laughing matter. Sure, you can carry mace, pepper spray, brass knuckles and a switchblade, like I do, but it still doesn’t mean that you’ll get to the weapons in time to stop the crime. Well, Ladies, fear no more. Introducing Rape-aXe: A female condom with teeth.The condom-like latex sheath is armed with razor sharp barbs that a woman wears in her vagina. It’s not painful to wear and also prevents STDs.
If an attacker attempts penetration, the barbs grip his penis. The feeling is described as getting your dick caught in a zipper. But the best part is yet to come (or rather, not cum). When the assailant withdraws his penis in pain, Rape-aXe does NOT let go. The device can only be removed surgically, deterring him from future rape attempts or doing much else with his penis ever again. This will also lead to his arrest. WOMANOAH! Wanna see more? Click here for the video demonstration. BIG thanks to @SarahHorvat for hooking us up with the article!
