Taking ‘play area’ literally, a 38-year-old man was arrested for looking at porn while jerking off at a Madison, WI Mickey D’s. The man used his laptop to watch porn while about 20 children were playing. Apparently, one of the other parents became suspicious when it became obvious that the man had no children in the play area. (Because if he did have kids playing, looking at porn and jerking off would have been fine…)
The concerned parent told police that he saw a man looking at a porn and typing with one hand, while masturbating with the other (add multitasking to his resumé). The responding officer confirmed witnessing the same. Upon his arrest, the suspect admitted to exercising bad judgment. (Ya think???)
In quite possibly the funniest lawsuit evs, a mother from Utah (U-tah, I-tah, we all tah for… Mormons?) photoshopped an image of a woman having sex with a dog and superimposed the face of a 13-year-old girl who attends middle school with her daughter onto the photo. Accused of creating fliers of the image (with derogatory comments directed toward the girl), and distributing them at the middle school where the girls attend, the woman is now facing 18 counts of sexual exploitation of a minor.
Authorities report that surveillance footage showed the woman entering the school’s 7th-grade girls’ bathroom on the second to last day of classes. A custodian found the fliers and immediately contacted local authorities. The woman admitted to making 30 fliers, however police were only able to recover 18 of them. In addition to leaving the fliers in the bathroom, she also left a bunch in several students’ lockers. The woman stated that the victim had ‘wronged’ her in some way. (Perhaps by fucking her dog?)
Long Man or Schlong Man?
Tis the season to be randomly drawing large phalluses, no? Yes! It was just last week that we covered the penis painted on the bridge in St. Petersberg. Well now he’s got an English cousin in the aptly name, Long Man.
Although no one knows exactly when the Long Man was erected (insert joke here), archaeologists estimate that the hill figure in Wilmington, UK, dates from the sixteenth or seventeenth century AD. Obviously it was time for him to get a make-over. What better way to do so than by adding a giant penis?
This week the famous chalk image was anonymously adorned with a brand spanking new 20 ft hard on, which will stick around at least until the rain washes the paint from the hillside. Sources say the dick was drawn using a football pitch marker for the stunt. The huge cock is expected to wash away before long, so get it while it’s hard!
Seriously, I don’t know why anyone pays any attention to some no talent ass-clown romping about in his skivvies in midtown day after pathetic day just making a general nuisance of himself.
Who’s with me?
In the great words of Joan Cusack in Working Girl, “Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn’t make me Madonna. Never will.” Seriously. Get a job, dude, for realz.
But why get a job when you can constantly sue people instead of generating your own income?
It was only a couple of years ago that the NYC street ‘performer’ known as “The Naked Cowboy” sued Mars Inc. for $6 million over a Times Square billboard that featured a blue m&m clad in white tidy whities, cowboy boots and hat.
Now he’s suing another street performing, Sandy Kane (shown here), who’s pronounced herself “The Naked Cowgirl.”
He tried to cut a deal with her for $5K a year, but apparently she just makes $2 a photo, which is still pretty inflated by the looks of her, says I.
Agreed?
The 5 Mornings After Pill
Good news if you’re too dumb to wear a condom and too lazy to head straight to your local pharmacy for Plan B. The FDA recently approved a new pill, Ella, intended for women who’ve engaged in unprotected sex or in case of contraception fail. Unlike Plan B, which must be taken right away, the new pill can be taken up to 5 days after intercourse. Studies found that the pill was not as effective in women with a body mass index over 30. A panel discussed and voted against warning obese women of this on the product’s label. (I want to know who is having sex with women that have a body mass index over 30 at all…)
Naked Man With Vaseline Arrested
How do you identify a neighborhood peeping tom? Chances are he’s the guy running around half naked with a jar of Vaseline. A 44-year-old man from New Castle, DE, is facing charges of resisting law enforcement and public indecency when teens spotted him around 12:20 a.m. running up and down the street sans pants.
When teens pointed him out to authorities hiding behind a Spruce tree nearby, police said he was naked from the waist down, carrying a towel and a jar of Vaseline and wearing only a fleece vest. (Well there was a chill in the air, after all.) Police were unsure why the man was running through the neighborhood half naked, but reports of a peeping tom in the area came to mind. (So… you do the Math.)
Giant Penis Protest Hits St. Petersburg
Why stage a sit-in when you can paint a giant penis in protest? A gigantic cock was recently painted on the Liteiny Bridge in St. Petersburg by the radical art collective known as Voina (which means ‘war’). The huge phallus was created in protest of security measures planned for the International Economic Forum, an event designed to identify and deliberate key challenges that face emerging markets and the world.
The Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation (FSB) is Russia’s main domestic security agency; successor to the KGB. Now, when the bridge is raised, the erect penis stands in all it’s glory right next to FSB headquarters. Measuring 220 ft long and almost 90 feet wide (insert jealousy here), the big dick rises and shines whenever the bridge is raised to allow ships to pass underneath it. Only one of the artists has been fined for the penis so far, which was still visible as of yesterday.
My first thought was: “How can software identify your penis?” My second thought: “What’s ChatRoulette?” ChatRoulette is a website which pairs people randomly from around the world for webcam-based chats. At any point, either user can end the chat by starting another random connection. I had heard of the application previously, but in conversation with friends, I also learned that users are typically random guys showing their junk and jerking off.
Well ChatRoulette plans to do away with all of that by instituting penis-recognition software. Contrary to my first assumption, the platform isn’t able to identify your penis in particular (boo!), but rather, just identifies penises overall. This algorithm will filter out shots of male genitalia altogether.
Users debate whether tricks will prevent the software from effective filtering. One user commented, “What if a guy puts a tiny sombrero on his sausage in order to trick the software?” It’s a valid concern. Nevertheless, the website`s founder hopes that blocking such offending members will help clean up Chatroulette`s reputation. But don’t worry, Ladies, no one’s tried to block your vaj shots… yet.
Pig Attacks Man’s Penis
One good pork deserves another… A Jamaican man is now recovering after being hospitalized for a week when a large pig bit him on the penis. (Some pig!) The man was in the pig pen considering which of his swine was to be sold. Deliberating, he held the head of one of the pigs right near his dick, which the pig then bit… twice. Residents commented that they don’t know why the pig got so violent. “Dats why some people are against eating pork as hog eat anything it ketch,” stated a (not so articulate) neighbor.
Cow Seduces Man
Ever wonder why the cow isn’t holy in America? Maybe it’s because they
are evil, seducing temptresses…
An Indonesian man claims he was seduced by a cow into having sex with it. The 18-year-old young man was caught by his neighbor last week having sex with the cow and insists that he didn’t see a cow but a beautiful young woman. He claims, “she called my name and seduced me, so I had sex with her”.
The man was forced to marry the cow and then was bathed while the cow was drowned in the ocean. (I’m not sure which is worse, being forced into bovine marriage, or the fact that they killed his new wife during their honeymoon.) Sources actually documented that it remains unclear whether vows were exchanged before the cow was killed.
The bridegroom was fined 2,000 old coins; the traditional punishment, while the village chief paid the owner of the cow 5 million rupiah (about $545) as compensation (for the cow’s services?).
