Caution all drug users: Controlled substances may result in delusions of grandeur; particularly with regard to your penis size. One Floridian man can vouch for this after being arrested for exposing his self-promoted “biggest penis in the world” to a mixed crowd of adults and children… several times.
According to police, the man approached a group of kids and asked, “Have you ever seen the biggest penis in the world?” Then “he took it out“ and the kids bolted. He did this a few times before returning to his apartment. Cops found him in his abode surrounded by dog shit and cocaine (perfect together). He’s been charged with two counts of exposure of sexual organs (his twig and berries), and possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. He is being held on $32,000 bail.
Police Search For Penis Picture Poster
Police in the UK are on the hunt for a man that’s been posting pictures of a naked penis around town. Authorities have confiscated several posters, which feature a penis with a yellow ribbon around it, both in color as well as black and white. (Phallic support for the US troops?)
The objective of the poster is unknown, though some believe that it’s in protest since some of the copies include the caption “fees set to rise later this year“. Several of the posters have been sent out for fingerprint and DNA testing. A spokesperson for the police stated, “From what we’ve seen, if this is a self-portrait, the artist won’t be in a hurry to be identified“. Sadly, attempts to obtain an image of the poster have been unsuccessful. :’(
Vattoos are the New Vajazzles
If you’re still having Swarovski crystals glued to your puss, you’re way behind (in front). Now, all the va-rage is vattoos: temporary tattoos for your gyner. Select NYC spas have started offering women temporary vaginal tattoos; not temporary tattoos OF vaginas, but tattoos FOR vaginas.
The temporary tattoos last about five days and are applied with airbrushed ink. Clients can choose from designs including a flower, butterfly, sun, or calligraphy letters inked in a color of your choice.
You won’t find these babies in a Cracker Jack box, so better make an appointment. I’m thinking a ‘tear here‘ twattoo written in calligraphy would be perfect above my cooter…
Testicle Festival
Heading to Montana? Then prepare yourself for the 5-day-long Ballfest 2010, otherwise known as ‘The Testy Festy‘. Every August, Rock Creek Lodge in Clinton, MT celebrates bulls’ balls and general alcoholic debauchery in their annual Testicle Festival; one of the biggest and best parties in the area.
Staff at the Lodge have reported that this year’s orders include 65 cases of hard alcohol: vodka, whisky, rum and Jägermeister, along with about 700 cases of beer. One of their specialty drinks, the “Celtic Trapper” features Xyience Energy Drink, Malibu and flavored vodka.
What’s on the menu: Balls, and plenty of ‘em, battered, deep fried and chewier than chicken. The festival fee is $17 per person for the full five days. What should you expect? Anything and everything. And if you’re still not sure, click here for the “What to Expect” video.
‘Gay Zombie Porn’ Banned from Film Festival
Not getting your daily fix of gay zombie porn? Well then definitely don’t head to Australia. Aussie censors recently banned Canadian film-maker Bruce LaBruce’s gay zombie porn comedy, L.A. Zombie, from the Melbourne International Film Festival.
The movie tells the story of a fairly unrealistic looking alien zombie in LA who attempts to bring the dead back to life through homoerotic sex.
A synopsis on the film festival’s website promises that the film features “plenty of wound-shagging and more penises than you can shake a stick at.” It’s the first time in seven years that a film has been banned from the festival. LaBruce defends his work stating, ”The film obviously has artistic merit or it wouldn’t be in competition at an A-list film festival.”
The film-maker’s last gay zombie film, Up with Dead People or Otto, (good Lord, there’s more than one???) premiered at the Sundance Film Festival in 2008.
Man Charged For Sex With Picnic Table
Nothing says summer like having sex in the outdoors, right? One man from Bellevue, OH, thinks so. But you may want to opt for a living human being instead of a metallic inanimate object… The 40-year-old was arrested after a neighbor videotaped him sexually engaged with a metal picnic table. He was seen fucking the table on at least four separate occasions. (Well at least it wasn’t a one night stand, but he should really treat it to dinner.)
How do you fuck a table? Authorities noted that the table had a hole in the middle intended for an umbrella. The (married) father of three is now facing felony counts of public indecency since his residence is in close proximity to an elementary school. The district’s police captain commented, “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes around.” Yea, inside a picnic table, apparently. Kudos to RogBo for hookin’ us up with the unforgettable article!
“Is that a Big Mac in your pocket or are you just stealing off the dollar menu?” McDonald’s employees at a store in South Carolina called police when a woman bought a sandwich and shoved it down her pants, insisting that her order wasn’t complete.
The woman had purchased two sandwiches and two small coffees, then took one of the sandwiches and put it down the front her jeans, demanding a free one. Staff called 911 after the woman became belligerent when they refused to give her a free sandwich. The responding officer stated that he could hear the woman screaming profanity at the cashier when he went into the McDonald’s.
Upon arrival, he asked the hysterical woman to step outside, noticing a large grease stain on the front of her pants. The woman denied having stolen the sandwich until a female officer arrived on the scene to search her. At that point, the woman pulled the sandwich out of her pants and put it on the hood of the police car while she continued to shout obscenities, reeking of alcohol. Convinced she had stolen more, the officers searched her, but what they initially thought was a Filet-O-Fish, turned out to be her vagina. She was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. The sandwich was not available for comment.
What do you do if you can’t get laid? Go for the next best thing: Squiddy Porn. But try and find some that features a live fish at least, before having your voyeuristic, bestial way. One extremely weird 46-year old British man was caught with a pic of a man having sex with a dead squid after cops raided his stash of grossly offensive porn .
The man was charged with possession of an image of someone “performing an act of intercourse with a dead animal, namely an octopus/squid, which was grossly offensive, disgusting or otherwise of an obscene character“. In total, the alleged perv was charged with 25 counts of pornography.
In his dirty little secret collection, authorities also found 57 child porn images and photos of a person performing sex acts with horses and dogs. When questioned about the images, the man told the court that he looked at the photographs because he couldn’t get sexually aroused, but that the photos didn’t relieve his problems. (Shocker.) He’s been sentenced to four months in prison.
If your male parts are on the small side, you’re in a much better position than some. A man from Mumbai suffered from Filariasis of the genitalia, which forces the penis and testicles to assume an unusual size and shape. The 66-year-old lived in utter solitude and misery since his penis grew three times its size and his scrotum five. The physical changes created problems when the man even so much as walked down the street. He had confined himself to his home and repeated visits to his local hospital yielded minimal relief.
After a year of suffering, surgeons at Masina Hospital were able to restructure the unfortunate man’s valuables. Medical staff stated that after treatment for two weeks, the man’s scrotum shrunk considerably even before surgery. Doctors commented, “The challenge was to look for his organ, which was hidden under thick skin and mass”.
In the first of three operations, an opening was created to the urinary passage so the man could urinate normally. During the second procedure, doctors peeled off the thick skin that covered his genitals. About 80% of the thick skin was removed and the remainder was used to cover his penis. During the third surgery, doctors drained fluid from the scrotum, gave it a normal shape, and removed 90% of the scrotum skin. Even more miraculous, all of this was good news. The man was able to return home within a few weeks.
Hey, Morons: If you don’t want pedophiles to see your kids naked, don’t let them run around the yard donned in only a pair of crocs. One woman got an unpleasant surprise when she decided to search Google Street View for her mom’s house in the UK. Instead of seeing her mother’s English garden, she got a great shot of her 3-year-old son’s naked ass.
The uncensored image of her boy’s buttocks suddenly made her realize that pedophiles could use the shot for their masturbating pleasure. (Apparently anyone within sight of the toddler’s tush live didn’t bother her.) The angry mother sent a complaint to Google, who then immediately blurred the image, and apologized.
But(t) it was too late, Herbert the Pervert had seen everything and had his way with the image of the mini eArse.
