Naked Woman Falls Through Roof During Sex
If you’re worried about your next roll in the hay ending with a bang, just try fucking on the rooftop. A woman from Aberdeen crashed naked through a roof while having sex with her boyfriend. According to sources, the pair smashed through a window on the third floor and stripped when they reached the roof of the Bridge Street flats.
A building worker in an empty shop below commented, “They made a hell of a racket. They put me off my work.” (Listening to people fucking often does – sounds like it was a good time, minus crashing through the roof).
The rooftop romp ended in tears when the woman fell through the roof 60 feet. The police, ambulance and fire brigade were called to the scene, though fortunately the woman suffered only minor injuries despite the fall. She was released after being checked out at a local hospital. Oddly enough, weathermen in the area had predicted that it would rain naked bitches that very same day…
If you’re turned on by lots of black balls, you’re not alone. A man from Gloucester City, NJ was recently arrested for masturbating at a table inside a bowling alley. Police said the 58-year-old was performing the sex act while looking “in the direction” of a 13-year-old girl.
Employees at the bowling alley detained the man outside the building until police arrived on the scene. The man was charged with tender years sex assault and sent to the local prison in default of $5,000 in bail. To no surprise, his bowling balls are now blue…
Vagina Tree Predicts Winning Lotto Numbers
If you haven’t had much luck playing the lottery, don’t give up yet; well at least not if you live in Thailand. Villagers in northern Thailand have been consulting a “magical vagina tree” for winning numbers… and amazingly enough it’s been working!
Rumor has it that a 100-year-old tamarind tree developed a “fist-sized sparkling mound” (hey, I have one too!); a treegina, if you will. Locals in the Phayao area claim they saw the numbers “008” in the trunk, played them in the lottery, and won!
Whether the tree returns any subsequent predictions remains to be seen, but the story is traveling far and wide through the region (as stories of magical vaginas often do).
Naked Against Bullfights in Bilbao
If you’re planning on staging a protest against bullfighting, you’ll want to gather a group of your closest hundred friends, take off your clothes, paint some of you black and some of you red, drop, and form the shape of a bull. At least that’s how you’d do it in Bilbao. Anti-bullfighting campaigners chose the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao to protest the annual celebration of the matador in the Basque city in northern Spain.
One hundred activists in their skivvies played dead in the form of a giant bull; their nearly naked bodies painted black and red. A spokesperson for the Animal rights group, Anima Naturalis, stated: “We believe that, after the Catalan parliament’s decision last month to ban bullfighting in the region of Catalonia, communities like the Basque Region could also do it. Basque society is becoming more sensitive, rejecting animal mistreatment.” (Clearly a call for stripping and applying body paint…) The protest generated strong support locally. One resident (with a roving eye) stated: “We’re impressed with how well this protest has been done.”
Woman Groped by Donald Duck
Q: What can you expect from a duck that wears a hat and shirt, but no pants? A: A good groping. A woman from PA claims she got groped by Donald Duck and is now suing Disney for over $50,000 in damages, for “permanent” injuries she suffered. The 27-year-old woman alleges that she was at Disney World vacationing with her family at Epcot Center and approached Donald Duck for a photo with her child when the Disney employee in the duck suit grabbed her breast and molested her.,
She claims said harassment brought on “post-traumatic stress disorder” , “severe physical injury“, “shock to her entire nervous system“, “muscle contraction headaches“, “acute anxiety“, “nausea, cold sweats, insomnia, nightmares, flashbacks, digestive problems“, and other conditions “permanent in nature” . (Just how big are her breasts?) She’s now seeking monetary damages for negligence, infliction of emotional distress and battery.
Donald Duck was interviewed for comment, however, none of his remarks were intelligible.
Naked Fist Fight Shocks Cafe Patrons
In an episode that clearly should have been aired on Spike TV, a woman stripped naked in front of a crowd of people innocently dining at a restaurant in Australia yesterday. Witnesses reported that the woman took off all her clothes when she got into a full-on fist fight with another woman over a man.
Police said that the 39-year-old woman was picked up from a median strip on Dick Ward Drive (note the irony) after she tore off all of her clothes. Restaurant customers were reportedly unimpressed (obviously an ‘A’ cup).
One witness commented, “She was pretty much just defending herself and then she was lifting up her shirt and showing her breasts. She took off her clothes and then she walked to the median strip, lit a cigarette and laid down.” Police found the woman lying naked, still in full view of patrons at the restaurant. She was given a fine and taken home in a paddy wagon. Aussies apparently don’t have very advanced phones since NO footage is available of the encounter. Thanks for nothin’, Australia.
If the water tastes funny to you, it might be spiked… with cum. A Californian office worker was charged with ejaculating twice into a female colleague’s bottle of water, which, of course, she later drank. (Keeper.) The first offense allegedly occurred in January. The 31-year-old is accused of entering the victim’s office and jerking off into a bottle on her desk, which she later drank unaware of its contamination.
He then repeated the offense in April, but in this instance, the 20 something victim sent the bottle off to a private lab to be tested after drinking it and the lab results showed that the water had been contaminated with semen. The man’s DNA was linked to the crime and he was arrested outside his home. He now faces two counts of ‘releasing an offensive material’ in a public place and assault for sexual gratification If found guilty, he could be jailed for three years.
It’s not death that I’m afraid of, it’s an unnecessarily embarrassing death I’d have to live down into eternity that keeps me up at night. Like this unfortunate chap: A 44-year-old man from Newport, Shropshire, who died after he tied himself to a tree, wrapped a cord around his penis and became trapped. In a Houdini FAIL of epic proportions, the man cut his wrists in attempts to escape and died of blood loss and hypothermia.
Friends of the deceased noted that on the night before he died, the man had downed seven pints of beer and a vodka/coke. He returned home at 1:00 am to make a rope with two loops for his wrists. Then he went for walk, found a tree, removed his clothes and tied himself to the tree using his improvised handcuffs, facing the tree. He was found at 8:00 am the next morning wearing only socks and boots, with the cord still wrapped around his penis. He died just a few hours later. Still no word on what in God’s name he was doing with a cord wrapped around his dick, tied naked to a tree in the first place…
Obviously an Andrew McCarthy fan, a man from West Virginia is behind bars after committing “lewd acts” with a mannequin in a public park.
The local sheriff’s department found the 61-year-old sitting on a park bench (ala Aqualung) with an armless mannequin on his lap, holding it with one hand and jerking off with the other.
When the officer approached him, the man replied that he was “just trying to have a little fun“, pushed the mannequin off him and pulled his pants up (despite a nasty splinter).
The man has been charged with indecent exposure and is being held in prison on a $2,500 cash only bond.
Flying Pasties Protect Passengers’ Privacy
Concerned about scanners at the airport seeing too much? Scanners planned for 11 airports in the US over the next two years beam electromagnetic waves on passengers and produce naked images when scanning for explosives. One man from Las Vegas claims that he’s found a solution to the new full body scanners being introduced: flying pasties. You stick these bad boys over your unmentionables to hide your privates when going through the X-ray machines.
Drawbacks? Well some believe that the 2mm-thick, rubber stick-on pads may attract even more unwanted attention since airport security noted that ”anything that inhibits advanced imaging will require additional screening“. However, the inventor says that his customers can simply remove the pads when asked by airport officials. Furthermore, he pointed out that the pads can be attached underneath shirts and pants for easy removal. The pasties go for $16.99 each and feature such catch phrases as, “Only my husband sees me naked“.
