Woman Sets fire to Cheating Husband’s Penis
Ladies: If you find out your husband is cheating, don’t try gluing, stapling or setting his dick on fire, JUST LEAVE the bastard! One Indian woman in Australia had to learn this the hard way. The woman found emails detailing her husband’s affair and confronted him, stating, “I’m going to burn your penis. I’m going to tell your family what you have done.” She maintains that she intended to burn her husband’s penis so it would belong to her alone. (Seems like after burning a penis, no one would want to own it.)
His response to her threat: “No you won’t, you fat, dumb bitch.” Not to be outdone, the 46-year-old woman grabbed a handy can of gasoline, doused his crotch and set it, and their home, ablaze. (Not so dumb after all, eh?) Her husband, who designed ships for the Australian navy, suffered burns to more than 75 % of his body and died in the hospital only days later. The woman and her three children escaped the fire unharmed. Facing charges of murder, arson and endangering life, she defended her actions stating that her husband would not let her reduce her working hours in order to pay for the other woman. The trial continues…
Jury Acquits Costume ‘Flasher’
If you’re going to flash a group of kids, you better mean it, Buster. A Floridian man was accused of exposing himself in front of a school bus filled with high school students, but as it turns out, he never actually showed his junk. According to police, the 22-year-old didn’t expose himself as alleged, but rather employed the use of a Halloween costume featuring a large fake penis.
The costume had been given to him by a co-worker who said it was made by a 90-year-old woman. (Because 90-year-old women sewing together synthetic cocks is a completely normal, common thing.) The man stated that he had intended to get a laugh, but it was a joke no one found funny. (No one except me…)
The young man faced 30 years in prison if convicted of lewd and lascivious exposure in front of two 14-year-old boys, who thought they had seen a real penis. (I guess their own genitalia isn’t helping them to determine the difference between a real one and a fake one just yet.) The defendant also faced being listed as a sex offender for the rest of his life, but was acquitted since the two boys couldn’t prove that they had seen a real penis.
Hotel Slammed for Sex Toys
Putting the ‘ho’ in hotel, trendy accommodations in Stockholm are feeling the heat after offering complimentary sex toys in their rooms. The hotel decided to expand the array of items included in the standard room price to feature sex toys such as handcuffs and vibrators (but, NO cock rings; the nerve)! Apparently the marketing ploy hasn’t gone over very well with authorities.
Police have accused the Berns Hotel of “glorifying” the sex trade with their naughty gifts. Stockholm police stated, “The hotel is trying to glorify something that we are working to de-glorify.” But the hotel reported that the response has been positive from guests; namely movers and shakers in the Fashion, Art and Music industries. Hotel staff maintains that that they try to take the needs of different groups into account, removing the items from rooms reserved by families with children, etc. For now, at least, it seems the sex toys are safe!
Urinating Party-Goer Short-Circuits Club
Ever hear of a pee-pee dance? Some people think it’s the move you do when you have to go to the bathroom. Others define this as dropping your pants in the middle of a dance-floor and pissing on a spark plug, shorting out the circuits. Admittedly, the latter creates slightly more of a spectacle when enjoying a night on the town… One German clubber decided to do just that at the popular hot spot, Americanos club, in Munich. He reportedly dropped his pants in the middle of the packed club and urinated on a plug socket, shorting out all of the circuits.
After his little stunt, the club was forced to throw everyone out and close down for the night, only able to reopen the following day after electricians were called out to fix the problem. The 27-year-old man was quickly grabbed by bouncers when they spotted him pissing on the plug, an action which he never explained. Police hypothesized that the man had beef with the club owner, but this was never proven.
What kind of America is it when you can’t jump on your own trampoline naked? It’s no kind of America at all; in fact, it’s England! And in this case it’s not jumping up and down, it’s jerking off in front of your neighbors. A man in the UK was spotted on his trampoline by a female neighbour with his “manhood” in one hand and a cigarette in the other (a multitasker). She called the police and he was arrested, charged with shameless indecency.
Upon questioning, he admitted that he’d gone out to the trampoline to masturbate “just for the thrill of it,” but added that he had not meant for anyone to see him. Asked why he was looking at his neighbor’s window, he explained that it was because he had seen the light go on.
The man pled guilty to exposing himself in a shameless and indecent manner as well as placing his neighbor in a state of fear. He tried to rescind this later, stating that he only pled guilty “to avoid the embarrassment of a trial,” (sort of moot regardless). Authorities refused to permit the withdrawal and placed him on the sex offenders list. Moral of the story: Don’t jerk off on your trampoline; or else grow some tall-ass shrubs.
Flasher Seeks Feedback
How many times has a random man shown you his penis in passing? If you said once, it’s probably more often than you’d like. But has the flasher ever sought your opinion on his junk afterward?
Police in Allentown, PA arrested a 41-year-old man for exposing himself to a woman in a grocery store parking lot.
If that weren’t enough, he then followed the woman and her child into the grocery store with follow-up questions. (But enough about my dick, what do you think about my dick?)
Inside the store, the man asked the woman about his size. She then asked him to leave her alone, but instead he followed her through three more aisles, repeating his question. The woman repeatedly told him to leave her alone, but he wouldn’t.
Before the woman could submit her final answer, the man was charged with stalking, indecent exposure, open lewdness and two counts each of harassment and disorderly conduct. He was sent to the local prison with bail set at $10K.
JWoww to Pose for Playboy
If you haven’t seen enough of her giant fake tatties (not) bouncing around the Jersey Shore and Miami, you’re in luck. Jenni Farley, aka “JWoww”, is close to signing a deal to pose naked for Playboy. (Gee, who didn’t see that cumming?)
She reported that the “…final offer is standing. Hopefully, it will go through.” Playboy has offered her $400,000 for a fully nude spread. (And by spread, of course I mean her legs.) However, JWoww’s contract with MTV may prevent her from posing naked for the men’s entertainment mag.
All of that could change if she finds new work. She recently stated that she’s declined two reality show offers from NBC and is holding out for her own show with “Snooki” which, according to “Snooki”, would be, “Us living together and trying to make a living“. Translation: continuing their trashy, debauched, alcoholic, ho-bag lifestyle…
A Dildo for Your Shoe
Picture this: You’re stomping down the NYC streets in all your sidewalk raging glory when suddenly a tourist stops dead in his tracks right in front of you. You immediately think to yourself, “Man, would I like to stick my foot right up his ass.” Well now you can: Introducing the Dildo Shoe!
Created in 1995 by British designer Vivienne Westwood, this footwear is featured in “Vivienne Westwood Shoes: An Exhibition 1973- 2010“. Taking place at the Selfridges Ultralounge department store in London, the exhibit is a collection of 200 pairs of shoes Westwood designed throughout her career. Don’t fret, Americans. There’s no doubt that The Dildo Shoe will be cumming soon to an asshole near you…
Naked Woman Steals Taxi Cab
If you live in Brooklyn, you already know how hard it can be to get a cab to take you where you want to go. No one knows this better one Louisiana woman. The woman asked the driver to take her all the way to Michigan, over a thousand miles away, which he refused to do. (Not that anyone blames him.)
In response to this, she attempted to convince him by taking off all of her clothes. (Which seems like it should have worked.) Still, no dice. Despite the driver’s repeated requests that she dress, the woman ignored him.
Unsure of how to handle the situation, the cabbie drove to the nearest police station and went inside to seek help. At this point the woman took off in the cab (presumably to MI). Cops caught up with her about a block away and forcibly removed the drunk woman from it. The woman was jailed for a few days but released on a $75 signature bond.
What’s more reassuring than seeing a boat flying a white flag while at sea? How about seeing a white flag with a flying penis? Two sergeants in the Swedish armed forces have been docked pay for painting a flying penis on a white flag and displaying it on their boat during a naval exercise.
During the exercise, the pair wore only blazers and underwear, (contrary to popular belief, NOT the official uniform of the Swedish armed forces). Whether their undergarments consisted of banana hammocks or tidy whities is unclear.
The Armed Forces Disciplinary Board deemed their behavior “unsafe, inappropriate and immature” and continued that their attire (or lack thereof) was considered a breach of security since they “had not adapted their clothing to existing water and temperature conditions“. The soldiers will be docked three days pay, but have been given three weeks to appeal the ruling. The flying penis flag, which was being held as evidence, was was stolen by local ass pirates shortly following the scandal.
