Man Nearly Castrates Himself
Like playing Toad in the Hole? Who doesn’t? Well, maybe the guy that almost forfeited his cock in the process… A Colombian man came close to castrating himself (closer to not cumming at all) with an improvised penis ring before running into the streets butt-ass naked. Cops spotted the man wandering around naked with a ring around his dick that’s normally used to play the pub game “toad in the hole“. The ring was shoved over his penis so that it was cutting off the blood supply to his prick. When questioned, the man admitted that he had had shoved the toy ring over his dick to increase the pleasure of masturbating, but was then unable to remove it. Doctors were able to remove the ring, as blood had begun clotting in the penis.
Had he not received immediate medical attention, this could have caused gangrene, forcing doctors to amputate the penis. Unfortunately, the doctors were not able to prevent damage to the dick, and the man is now facing an erection deficiency as his penis “will no longer have elasticity.” Following the procedure, the man was sent to the local mental hospital and given anti-inflammatory medication so the swollen penis could return to normal size. Psychiatrists stated that the man was suffering from an extreme form of exhibitionism and sex-addiction. (More like sex-adDICKtion – Ohhhh! BOO-YA!)
Smelly Vagina Ruins Woman’s Ploy for Oral
If you’re going to demand oral sex at knife-point, please make sure you’ve bathed thoroughly. A woman went to her estranged husband’s place (four doors down at the 77 Motor Inn ,of course) with a switch-blade demanding oral sex by stating,”eat my pussy.”
The husband, perhaps already wise to the goings on south of the border, declined the offer. His friend, who was also in the room, agreed to her request, until “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor” and immediately changed his mind. (Good plan.)
Outraged, the woman pointed the knife at the two and hissed, “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throats.” Authorities arrived to find the three drunk and the woman naked from the waste down. She was arrested for domestic assault and brandishing a deadly weapon. (Presumably her vagina.)
If you haven’t heard all of the hubbub about the new TSA Scanners, well you probably live in a cave. If you opt-out of the scan, you have the luxury of being fondled by a stranger in apparently a most intrusive fashion. If you submit to the scan, then your naked image is saved and in the power of some no-name GED obtained moron who will do God knows what with it. Most likely they’ll sell it online to some porn site; and if you’re a guy, then some gay porn site.
But wait! There’s more! In case none of this is embarrassing enough, a radiologist at Lenox Hill Hospital stated that TSA scanners can learn a lot more about your health history via the scanners. The medical expert stated, “The airport scanners show anything on the surface of the skin and very closely under the skin.” What other goodies will be visible to TSA staff?
Piercings, catheters, and colostomy bags in addition to breast implants (these are easy to spot regardless) and prosthetic testicles will be easily recognizable on the scanner screen. Moreover, the X-ray technology can also tell if a man is circumcised or not. With all of this in mind, I’m prepared for a good groping this busy holiday travel season. Hey, I could use a little action anyway. (Dry spell.)
Fake Doctor Performed ‘Breast Exams’ at Bars
If a doctor offers you a free breast exam, think twice… especially if you both happen to be at a bar. Police arrested a woman in Boise for impersonating a plastic surgeon and conducting breast exams on at least two women in local bars.
Cops were called to a medical office from prospective patients who wanted to see a Dr. Berlyn Aussieahshowna, but no doctor by that name worked at the office. (Shocking, seems like a common enough name!)
Police obtained contact information for the women who had called, interviewed them – and then identified the 37-year-old female, who isn’t licensed to practice medicine. The suspect was arrested and jailed on accusations of unlicensed practice of medicine. (I guess that means the women passed their breast exams…)
Dancing With The Stars contestants Bristol Palin (AKA Sarah Palin’s slut daughter) and Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino (AKA Jersey Shore trash vaudevillian) created this safe sex PSA to prevent teen pregnancy.
(Bet ya “B. Palin” wishes she made it sooner, having had a baby at 18).
‘The Situation’ was eliminated from the show, but Palin remains in the top 3. To watch the PSA, click here.
To note: (Un)Naturally “The Sich” wears Magnums. (Riiiiight.)
Can’t a woman masturbate half naked, in hotel parking lot, with a loaded gun in peace anymore? Jeez! Police found a woman half-naked in a van outside a Red Roof Inn in Naperville. She was in possession of a loaded gun and various sex toys and told police she was changing clothes. She later admitted that she left her kids in the motel and went out to pleasure herself (with a loaded gun, of course).
The 44-year-old woman from Texas was registered at the hotel with her three children when cops was spotted her in the van in the parking lot, noting that she was naked from the waist up. She told police that she had left the kids, none of whom was too young to be left alone, in the room. “That’s why she was out in the van doing what she was doing,” an officer stated. (Thanks Captain Obvious). There was no mention of what she might have been doing with the loaded gun while she pleasured herself… (Masturbashe-gun? Eh, there something there…)
If you enjoy a good bris (and who doesn’t), it might be best to stay out of San Francisco; at least for now. A San Franciscan man is trying his darnedest to ban circumcision until males are of legal age. Alleging that it’s genital mutilation, the proponent stated, “You shouldn’t be performing cosmetic surgery for other people,” pointing out that female circumcision is banned.
He continued, “People can practice whatever religion they want, but your religious practice ends with someone else’s body.” The proposed measure would amend the city’s existing law “to make it a misdemeanor to circumcise, excise, cut or mutilate the foreskin, testicle or penis of another person who has not attained the age of 18.” (Apparently the man hasn’t considered just how much more a circumcision would hurt at that age.) Violators of the proposed measure would be fined up to $1,000 and up to one year in jail.
Nude Burglar Had Mouse in his Rectum
If you’re going to rob a private home, make sure you have A.) A disguise, B.) A weapon, C.) Removed all clothing, D.) A mouse up your ass. Police in South Carolina say a naked burglary suspect appeared to be on drugs and was found to have a mouse lodged in his rectum. Cops reported that they responded to a home on a report of a burglary and discovered the 31-year-old suspect lying naked, face down in the doorway of the home.
In order to obtain the suspect’s cooperation and remove him from the home, authorities employed the use of a taser to no effect More police were then called to the scene to confront the suspect who had moved to the victim’s bedroom. He was finally wrestled to the ground and placed in handcuffs and leg shackles.
Authorities reported that the suspect appeared to be under the influence of magic mushrooms and was taken to a nearby hospital, where an X-ray discovered a mouse in his rectum. The suspect stated that he could not remember the events leading to his arrest. Nevertheless, he was charged with resisting arrest, assault and battery, and indecent exposure. The mouse was held for questioning. Big shout out to @Jessmypet for sending along the story!
Sex Toy Drive Thru
Browsing in adult novelty shops can be kind of an awkward experience depending on who else is in the store and who’s behind the register. The state of Alabama would tend to agree; especially since sex toys are technically illegal there. Introducing Pleasures: the country’s first sex-toy drive-thru service located in Huntsville, AL.
AL’s anti-obscenity law has been in effect since 1998, but officials said the sex toy ban was not intentional but it was the result of “borrowing language from other states with similar laws.” The law makes an exception to the sale of items designed for “stimulation of human genital organs” if the sale is for “a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial or law enforcement purpose“. Essentially, customers can’t purchase sex toys unless they fill out a medical questionnaire describing health-related reasons for the purchase.
‘God’ Indicted on Child-Sex Charges
There’s nothing new about a scumbag profiting off of women; except that this one refers to himself as ‘God‘. A man (and just a man) from Reading, PA, who calls himself ‘God‘ has been indicted and charged with trafficking children for sex. The 45-year-old mere mortal was the kingpin of an Internet prostitution ring, forcing the 20 women and teens he hired to call him ‘God‘ and be branded on the backs of their necks. Branding names included God’s Star, God’s Angel, God’s Secret, God’s Blessing, God’s Jewel, and God’s Property. (Sadly, ‘God’s Pussy‘ was not one of the names chosen.)
‘God‘ photographed the women and teens in sexually explicit poses and posted the pics online, offering their services as escorts (aka, hookers). The website denied that the business was a prostitution enterprise, but undercover cops arranged three sex sessions with ‘God’s‘ employees. Police reported that the suspect once tried to officially change his name to ‘God‘ because he is a former bail bondsman and apparently the first thing bail jumpers would say when they saw him was ‘Oh, God.’ ‘God‘ has been charged with four counts of sex trafficking of minors and of adults by force and several counts of production of child pornography.
