Man Charged with Making Genitals Disappear
A Nigerian court has ordered a 48-year-old man to reappear on allegations of “making some persons’ genitals disappear“. (I seriously need this guy’s email… also the whereabouts of a few exes.) The suspect plead ‘not guilty‘ to allegations of causing the disappearance of genitals in four men from Damongo. Police reported that the men’s genitals were intact, but appeared to have mysteriously shrunk; unable to erect. The victims have been ordered to see a urologist at the local hospital.
One of the victims, an errand boy, testified (emphasis on testi) that he spent the night with the suspect and awoke at midnight to find his guest fondling his penis, chanting incantations. In the morning, the victim found that his penis had been drastically reduced in size and he could not achieve an erection. He reported the incident to police, leading to the suspect’s arrest. Three other men then came forward (pun intended), complaining of the same. This is apparently not the first time reports of allegedly missing genitals in parts of the country were received. Your penis has been sufficiently warned: Stay away from Nigerian witchdoctors who fondle at midnight.
Dad Hacks off Penis of Daughter’s Boyfriend
Next time your girlfriend’s father warns you to stay away from his daughter, you’d better listen. A man in Germany was arrested after he hacked off his teen daughter’s boyfriend’s penis with a bread knife.
The man had approached police for help in keeping a 57-year-old man away from his 17-year-old daughter.
The police responded that they couldn’t do anything to keep the man away from teen, so the concerned father cut his dick off and kept his severed testicles as a memento. (That should help.)
Police rushed to the victim’s house and saved the man’s life. The father says plans to plead guilty when he goes on trial for attempted murder.
Postman Arrested for Naked Mail Delivery
Next time you think someone has a case of the Mondays, don’t try delivering their mail in the buff.
A U.S. Postal Service carrier in Wisconsin was arrested for delivering mail buck naked to a local law firm .
Authorities were called to the law firm with reports of “a naked postal carrier in the building’s hallway.” The 52-year-old stated that he was trying to cheer up a 21-year-old female employee of the firm who “seemed to be stressed out“.
The female told officers that when “Mailman Dave” arrived at the office that day to make the (special) delivery, she was shocked to see that he was naked and responded, “Give me the mail and get out of here“.
He admitted making the naked mail delivery, stating that he was only trying to cheer up the woman and make her laugh. (With the size of his manhood?)
The man was cited for lewd and lascivious behavior.
Man Caught Naked in Church Graveyard
“I do believe in spooks“. And by spooks, I mean macabre cock and balls idly meandering through cemeteries. A man in Mississippi (emphasis on pee-pee) was recently caught naked in a church cemetery. Claiming he was trying to take photographs of spirits (obviously only possible in one’s birthday suit), the man explained that he removed his clothing because skin “is the best canvas to show spirits’ orbs of energy“; (balls).
The 47-year-old said he initially intended to remove only his shirt, but somehow ended up taking it all off, (somehow); – a move he now calls “stupid.” (Because no one, dead or alive, likes to look at old balls.) Authorities had set up a motion-activated camera in attempt to stop vandalism and caught the man on tape in the buff instead.
He now faces a misdemeanor charge of indecent exposure. But on the plus side, A&E has approached him about shooting a pilot for a new series: Paranormal Naked State.)
Is Cybersex Cheating on Your Partner?
With the onset of the Interweb, it’s become easy to engage in all types of sexual activity; surfing porn, meeting anonymously in chatrooms for banter, in hotel rooms for sex, sharing graphic images and engaging in mutual masturbation with strangers via webcams. This brings up the question: Is cybersex cheating on your partner?
If you asked my (asshole) ex, he’d say definitely. I disagreed for the win, pointing out that it’s not cheating if you never see or speak with the person. Then it would seem that cybersex is more innocent than porn, which I also have no problem with. (He also referred to smoking weed as ‘doing pot‘; enough said.) What do you think? Does sitting at your computer and engaging in sexual activity with someone on the Internet constitute infidelity?
How to Make Your Own TSA Naked X-Ray Scanner
Are you jealous of TSA employees who get to openly peep at passengers all day long? Well now the joy of awkwardly seeing people naked can all be yours; with your own TSA Naked X-Ray Scanner! This can be created by simply modifying a satellite dish antenna.
By reversing the operation of some key components, you can modify the dish so that it can penetrate a layer to show what’s underneath.
While it may not be as effective as a genuine TSA machine (which costs something like $150,000) it may scratch your itch of invading other people’s privacy. (OPPs?) So spread holiday cheer by exposing your friends and loved ones to radiation and checking out their extra holiday love handles! Click here for more.
Victim’s Penis Cut Off As Trophy
What do you do after stabbing a guy? Why, you cut off his dick as a memento, of course! An Australian man who stabbed a male nurse 41 times, cut off his victim’s penis to keep as a souvenir and later told a friend that he’d “done something very wrong“. (Ya think???)
The 30-year-old killer was a boarder at the victim’s home in Brisbane when he, the homeowner and a third man engaged in a sex act. Perhaps unable to deal with his homosexuality, the perp stabbed the homeowner 41 times, 16 cm. into his neck and chest. Then the madman posed the corpse for photos with props including a pot plant. (This is why marijuana is illegal, people!)
After this, he shoved a pair of nail scissors up the cadaver’s nostril and put band-aids over his eyes with dots drawn on them. He the cut off the deceased man’s penis, wrapped it in Glad Wrap (not to be confused with Saran Wrap) and put it in a salt bottle to “keep it as a souvenir.” The victim’s testicles were severed and left in the kitchen sink while the murderer went on a heroine binge after the killing. The trial continues…
Mother Destroys Giant Snow Penis
How much more memorable would the song have been if the lyrics were “Frosty The Snow Cock?” According to one pretty fucking funny Brit, MUCH more memorable.
Instead of your traditional snowman, he decided to celebrate the season by surprising his mother by constructing an enormous snowpenis on their front lawn.
Even better: He videotapes her reaction and posts it on Youtube. Although she initially seems amused, she ultimately ruins it. Boo! Damn funny nonetheless – click here to watch! Cheers, mate!
Farmer Arrested For Raping Dog
Old MacDonald had a… taste for bestiality? A 33-year-old farmer from the Philippines was arrested for raping a dog… twice. The farmer, married (though hopefully not for long), was first caught having sex with the dog in November. According to the story, the dog’s owner initially did not mind the sexual assault of his pet, but asked the man not to repeat the offense, stating “animals also have their rights“. With a fancy for this particular dog apparently, a second assault on the canine was repeated some two weeks later, at which point the dog’s owner witnessed the act (voyeur) and reported it to police. The suspect is currently in jail facing charges of violation of The Animal Welfare Act.
Vagina Shaped Chocolates
Nothing says holidays like chocolate… shaped like vaginas! Washington State University’s V-Day club is selling chocolate vaginas until Dec. 3 to raise money to fight violence against women. Make sure you stuff your stockings this season with such gems as the ‘Pussy Cat‘ and ‘Pooky‘, on sale this week in the Compton Union Building.
Handmade by the organization, students melt chocolate wafers and pour the liquid chocolate into a vagina mold. (Who was the model, I wonder?) They offer vagina lollipops for $1 a piece or larger vaginas for $3 each. The chocolates cum in pink-dyed white chocolate (white girls), milk chocolate (Hispanic girls) or dark chocolate (black girls). Proceeds from the chocolates are donated to local and global organizations.
