In jolly ol’ England, British subjects gear up to celebrate the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Not exactly known for their sexual prowess, one English company is taking the party to your pants; and everybody’s cuming:
Introducing the Royal Wedding Souvenir Condom. Encouraging lovers to “lie back and think of England“, Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction is producing special celebration packs that bear the slogan: “Like a royal wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion“.
All types of unofficial royal wedding paraphernalia has made its way onto the marketplace including tea towels (oh, Brits…), china, postcards and now, condoms; which critics have dismissed as “tasteless“. (And which is why they’ll no doubt be a huge hit in The States).
A representative for the manufacturer commented that the condoms are “a unique way to remember this great British occasion” and that “they will be a timeless memento of a magical wedding day” for years to cum. As for their additional claim that “England boasts some of the finest lovemaking in the world“, well, this remains in serious debate. For more, click here.
The germ-infested ball crawl, the smell of sour milk, the horrible pizza… anybody would get turned on! A man was arrested at a Chuck E. Cheese in Georgia after he exposed himself inside the children’s restaurant.
According to authorities, the 21-year-old sat down at a table where a mother was seated. She noticed that he had his hands between his legs, but thought that he was texting. She soon noticed that instead of a phone, it was his penis in his hand and instead of texting, he was openly spanking it while looking around at all of the children.
The man was immediately apprehended and he’s now being charged with not only child molestation, but also false information; he had given his age as 16 in order to gain entry into the restaurant. He also had outstanding warrants for his arrest from violating his probation. Click here to read the article.
Custom Made Dildos
Ladies: Enter any sex shop and you’re instantly overwhelmed by the options of adult toys from which to choose. From large black latex dildos to shiny glass ones, the offerings of different sizes, shapes and textures is endless. But what if none of them seem to hit upon exactly what you’re looking for?
That’s where Made to Pleasure cums in… Here’s a company that knows that each female has her own individual turn-ons and anatomical hot buttons and that there’s no one toy that will satisfy every woman.
What to do? Build your own. Their website allows women to craft their ideal sex toy. If you’re not the DIY type, don’t fret; you can still choose from one of their pre-designed items. But wait! There’s more! One of the best features about all of their products is that they retain temperature really well, so they’re warm to the touch. Masturbating will never again feel like an OBGYN examination involving cold metal tools!
A one in a million moil, a doctor is being accused of wrongfully amputating a man’s penis during what should have been a routine circumcision. The victim stated that he awoke from surgery to discover that his entire penis had been removed. The doctor who performed the surgery said that he had found a cancerous growth on the penis and performed the procedure to keep it from spreading.
The lawsuit alleges that the doctor wasn’t authorized to remove the penis. Doing so deprived the victim the opportunity to get a second opinion. As it turns out, the cancer the doctor identified turned out to be a stage one, considered by many to be treatable. The case is still pending… One question: How does he pee??? Click here for the full article.
Computer Found with Images of Gorilla Porn
Some people like Asian porn, some like child porn, and of course, some like seeing human beings fuck a gorilla… Police got more than they bargained for when they seized a computer for forensic analysis and stumbled on images of “a person performing an act of intercourse with a live gorilla”. (As a opposed to a dead gorilla, naturally.)
The 32-year-old man who owned the computer was arrested when officers raided his home in Northampton, UK and took his computer. In addition to the gorilla porn, they found other pictures involving animals as well as thousands of images of children being sexually abused.
The man plead guilty to 12 charges of making and possessing 34,909 indecent images of children and well as 50 pictures of extreme pornography showing bestiality with a gorilla and a dog. He was also required to sign the sex offenders’ list before leaving court. For more on this story, click here.
Former Inmate Sues After Rat Bites His Penis
Most convicts probably worry about sexual encounters in prisons, but no one could have seen this one coming (pun intended). A 54-year-old man from Long Island claims he suffered sexual dysfunction after being bitten on the penis by a rat while he was an inmate at Nassau County Correctional Center. He’s now suing the county for damages.
The man was being held for menacing his wife at the correctional facility and was asleep on a mattress when he was bitten. Authorities brought him to a local medical center where he was treated for his injuries and received rabies shots. His lawyer now insists that “He has complete sexual dysfunction at this point.”
The man complained about the “deplorable” conditions at the jail before he was bitten, adding that other inmates had complained about the rats and had started a petition to improve conditions at the prison. The man stated that other inmates had also been bitten and that one found a piece of rodent in his food. There was apparently rat poop everywhere.
An attorney representing the county anticipates the pending case, stating that his evidence “… will vindicate the county’s position.” He contests whether the former inmate was being on a rat at all, noting that the victim’s stated that after he was bitten, he yanked the rat off of his penis and flung it against the wall, but no dead rat was found. “So now we have the case of the mysterious disappearing rat,” the defense lawyer stated. He continued, “It is highly [questionable] whether the guy has any damages. “In her deposition, his wife said it’s working fine for her and a medical examination says he functions appropriately.” (Only the penis knows the real truth…) Click here for the full story.
Maybe you’ve just given birth and want to tighten up down there, or maybe you just want to heighten sexual pleasure for yourself and your partner. In either instance, Ben-Wa Balls might be your answer.
Invented hundreds of years ago by the Chinese, Ben Wa balls, AKA Burmese Bells, are inserted into the vagina for at least 15 minutes a day to work out the vaginal wall muscles, similar to Kegel exercises.
Over time, the vagina gets tighter and stronger, leading to more satisfying sex. Coming in all shapes and sizes (insert joke here), Ben-Wa Balls are available in silicone, glass, plastic and metal.
Users say that the effects of the workout are noticeable in just one week. So what are you waiting for? Don’t waste another minute searching for the biggest cock in town when you could be tightening your vagina instead!
Is there no off-the-books worker exempt from income taxes? The Dutch say no. Sex workers in Amsterdam will soon be visited by the taxman this year to comply with the Dutch government’s income tax laws.
“Landlords and window prostitutes in Amsterdam” received a notice which was then published in the city’s newspaper, Het Parool, which indicated,
“…Agents of the Tax Service will walk through various elements of your business administration with you, such as prices, staffing, agendas and calendars. The facts will be used at a later date in reviewing your returns.”
Up until now, the Dutch government hasn’t enforced collecting taxes from sex workers because they’ve been largely viewed as victims of traffickers and pimps. However, beginning this year, sex worker will be treated like any other business and expected to pay taxes. Sex workers are naturally protesting the new enforcement. As one worker points out, “Their attitude is, we are stigmatised, made to feel that we are not part of society, we have trouble getting a bank account – why should we pay taxes?”
The Dutch government is enforcing the taxes to help balance their budget by 2015. They maintain that prostitutes should be charging 19% sales tax on each transaction and that 40% of window prostitutes already pay some income tax. In lieu of currency, government agents will also accept payment in the form of blow jobs.(Probably.) Click here for more…
If you think your date is a dead fuck, make sure she’s breathing and not just boring. Police in Ohio arrested a man accused of having sex with a corpse. The man claimed he didn’t realize the woman was dead. The 55-year-old is being held on $500,000 bail on charges of abuse of a corpse and possession of marijuana.
He told police he was having sex with the 48-year-old woman he had known for a few months when he realized she wasn’t breathing. He told police he administered CPR and called an ambulance. The woman’s cause of death remains under investigation, but the suspect likes to believe he fucked her to death… cuz she was dead sexy? (Insert your own horrible joke here…)
If your circus act is banned, try teaming up with new talent; perhaps one involving a midget, male genitalia and a vacuum cleaner. A woman’s sideshow act banned for smoking on stage was just cleared to perform on a bill with a dwarf who pulls a vacuum cleaner with his prick.
The smoking female was initially forbidden to take the stage because of health and safety reasons. Though other acts included barefoot walks up sword ladders and electric drill swallowers, the act causing the most concern was a woman smoking. But now Kings Lynn Borough Council has green lit the act in an upcoming show, the aptly named Circus of Horrors, which will feature a dwarf in sunglasses and kilt pulling a Hoover with his penis.
This same act landed another unfortunate little person in the hospital back in 2009 after he inadvertently glued his penis to the vacuum. The special attachment connecting the 42-year-old performer to the appliance came loose, so he fixed the piece with superglue, but left it to dry for only 20 seconds instead of 20 minutes. When he connected himself to the vacuum cleaner, the glue was not yet dry and his penis was immediately stuck.
