2.5M British Men Too Fat To See Their Penis
Ever hear that the British are bad lovers? Maybe it’s because they can’t see what they’re working with… New research conducted by UK weight-management specialists, LighterLife, revealed that one in ten English men are unable to see their penis because of their protruding bellies. (Now are their bellies that big, or their penises that small?)
The study indicated that 43% of the men surveyed hadn’t seen their penis in the last two years (without looking in a mirror or bending over) while 16% were unable to remember the last time they saw it. (When was the last Olympics?)
Of the 2,000 men chosen for the survey:
- 30% of men surveyed admitted to drinking alcohol three times a week
- One in ten admitted to boozing on a daily basis
- 21% rarely pay attention to what they eat – rising to 29% amongst 35-44 year old men
- One in ten men never exercise
- 52% would lose weight if they were constantly embarrassed about the way they looked
- 36% of those interviewed would only lose weight if they grew man boobs
- 52% would only lose weight if they received a serious health warning from their doctor
- 35% would take action if they were unable to have sex for an extended period of time
- 25 % would shed the pounds after consistent nagging from their partner
- 21% would lose weight if they were unable to do up their shoe laces
Moreover, the study also showed that British men would consider other options BEFORE losing weight and being able to see their penis again. 34% of men would resort to creative shaving in order to make the length of their genitals appear larger, 19% would turn off the lights and 13% would even consider a penis pump before losing weight. With regard to the survey, one medical professional stated, “A man who is not able to see his willy should think seriously about his health.” Thanks, Captain Obvious! (And cheers, fat-asses!)
Think breasts can never be too big? A 52-year-old woman from Atlanta, Georgia might disagree… Née Annie Hawkins-Turner has the world’s largest natural breasts; a fact confirmed by The Guinness Book of World Records. Homegirl rocks a whopping size 102ZZZs, some 3.5 feet of cleavage with each side weighing in at 56 pounds.
The woman gained fame after she appeared on the UK’s “This Morning” to talk about her breasts with the morning talk show hosts. She commented, “When I go out of my house I have to think about what my day is going to be like and who is going to attack me today. Every day someone teases me that doesn’t know me.” …But no one was listening cuz they couldn’t stop staring at her super-human giant tits; like, even nearby babies began to salivate…
Man Caught Stealing TV Naked
Next time you want to burglarize a house, you may want to put on a pair of pants… or at least a tie. A man from Bridgeport, CT was caught naked stealing a wide-screen TV from a home in Norwalk. The 35-year-old was arrested after the homeowner’s daughter found him lurking around the house in the buff. According to the suspect, he met the mother at a bar earlier in the evening and had cum home with her. (Emphasis on cum; sex AND a wide screen = double word score.)
He told police that the woman owed him money, but the woman said she left the house after the suspect threatened to punch her in the face. (Nice of her to leave her daughter there with him, though.) Following the woman’s departure, the man carried the TV into his van, then returned to the house for the remote, where he was discovered. The man was charged with larceny, possessing drug paraphernalia and other charges
400 Break the Skinny Dipping World Record
If you’ve ever been to a nude beach, you know it’s mostly DOMS and gays; a rather unlikely combo, for sure. Luckily, world records still exist to encourage ‘normal‘ people to strip on the sand. Four hundred people got butt-ass naked and plunged into the sea off Wales this weekend in an attempt to break the world record for the biggest skinny-dip. The existing record is around 250 naked bathers in one location.
Rhossili beach was chosen for the 7am nude dip because it’s long and reasonably hidden (that’s what she said?), sparing shrinkage sufferers as much embarrassment as possible from any passers-by. To break the record, the bathers had to wade into the water until it was up to their waists and stay there, shivering, for 10 minutes. Swimmers in the buff came (punintended) from all across the UK to brave the cold waters on the Gower peninsula. Having succeeded in breaking the record, organizers plan to submit this weekend’s event to staff at Guinness World Records in order to claim the title. The charity event raised $20,000 for the National Trust and Marie Curie Cancer Care.
Clearly a fan of corporal punishment, a man has been fined some $95 million in damages after hitting his female employee with his penis. This is the largest settlement resulting from an individual sexual harassment case.
According to the plaintiff, the store manager of a rental furniture chain in St. Louis, Aaron’s Inc., cock-slapped her on the head before throwing her on a couch and jerking off onto her chest.
Arguably, this seems like standard testing for furniture durability. That being said, the company naturally plans to appeal the decision.
What could be worse than when your fave sex toy goes missing? How about if your little friend calls the attention of the local bomb squad? A sex toy sparked terror in Russia when the bomb squad was summoned to defuse a suspicious package. A postal office worker reported that the package was ‘emitting a bizarre ticking noise‘ and contacted local authorities.
The entire building was then shut down and evacuated, only for the bomb squad to discover that the box contained only a vibrator that had been turned on ‘by accident‘. No news whether the shipment ever reached its final destination: a Russian vagina.
