Naked Man in Gorilla Mask Assaults Jogger
Putting the ‘ass’ in ‘assault’, police are searching for a naked man in a gorilla mask who assaulted a woman jogging around a popular trail in British Columbia. When the man grabbed the victim she fought him off and ran, but the man pursued her until she was able to get to a phone and call authorities.
Police said that assaults like this are rare, but they did see similar attacks at the lake last year (and at the zoo.) Women are advised to avoid using the trails alone. The man continues to evade authorities since he was disguised, but the hunt is on for a skinny, middle-aged, Caucasian man (in a gorilla mask).
Dog Genitals Found in Mailbox
Postmen unite! Sick of of dogs being sicked on you? Someone had the answer to that one. Police are investigating a case of animal cruelty after a Melbourne man found a dog’s testicles in his mailbox. (Talk about a special delivery.) The man found the dog testes and scrotum in two plastic bags when he went to collect mail, according to sources. The package did not contain a message and it’s unclear whether the homeowner was the intended recipient. (Dog testicles are the new Anthrax.)
A local veterinary examination showed that the testicles hadn’t been removed as part of a proper veterinary procedure and the canine victim would have had to deal with serious blood loss and risk of infection. It’s thought that the dog probably didn’t survive. Police are asking the public to come forward with any information that may help in finding the perp.
Amish Perv Arrested for Buggy Sex Ploy
Perverts seem to cum in all shapes and forms don’t they? Even in Amish cuntry, no one is safe! An Amish man who sent hundreds of sexually explicit text messages to a 12-year-old girl (wait, the Amish have cell phones? WTF?) was caught in an undercover sting when he drove, wait for it, a horse and buggy to a restaurant where he had planned to meet the girl. When the girl’s parents found out about the text messages, they took the cell phone and continued to communicate with the sex predator, who sent about 600 sexts to the girl, as well as nude pics and explicit videos.
The parents then contacted the police, who took over the sting operation and arranged the ‘tryst’ at a local restaurant. When arrested outside the restaurant, the suspect was cooperative with police and “walked his horse and buggy around the building and tied it to a post outside”, admitting that the proposed sex act was to happen inside the buggy. (This would explain the ‘If this buggy’s a-rockin…‘ bumper sticker.) The 21-year-old man is now facing four felony counts for allegedly soliciting sex from the minor and was released on a $20,000 bond (and is prohibited from partaking in any Amish Funnel Cakes for the next year…)
