How do you spell relief? O-R-G-A-S-M!
Cops in OH are looking for a burglar with a boner that stole a truck and crashed it into an Adultmart to steal a sex toy valued at $800.
The sex toy is described as a “life-like masturbator complete with female genitalia with legs and buttocks” .
Officers spotted the truck after the robbery, but the perp — described as a white man wearing a blue hooded sweatshirt over a red shirt (with an extremely erect penis, no doubt) escaped on foot, sources say.
Police believe the thief must have stashed the sex toy somewhere after the robbery. (Yea, at the party in his pants; so far he’s the only one cumming.)
Masturbation Increases as Economy Declines
There’s no such thing as a free hot lunch, so what does one do when a recession dwindles your cash flow to a mere drip? Researchers say the answer seems to be turning inward. A study conducted by a Las Vegas research company suggests that higher unemployment and less consumer spending results in increased masturbation. The company took an online poll on their affiliate site, The Xandria Collection, an online store for sex toys, asking visitors, “On average, how many times per week do you masturbate?” The results were compared to the same survey conducted in 2005.
The study showed that the percentage of people masturbating over ten times per week more than doubled! The research also found that the number of people who do not masturbate regularly dropped by 7%. In light of the economic turbulence, it seems that consumers are opting to save money by taking matters into their own hands. A representative of the online store stated, “Since the beginning of the recession, we’ve seen a substantial sales increase of vibrators, dildos and other self-stimulators. I think this is only going to increase as more and more people engage in self-pleasure.” Implications for the effects of this tendency on the national dating pool? Let me know your thoughts!
Woman Arrested for Dancing Naked in Cemetery
Dying to be naked, a 22-year-old woman was arrested for stripping in a cemetery in Mesa City, AZ, and dancing in view of those paying respects to deceased loved ones.
According to court documents, the woman got naked and started dancing, spinning, and waving her arms in front of an audience of visitors, grounds crews, and plot customers some 25 yards away.
Then she took a rest in the cemetery’s golf cart before police arrived on the scene. (No word yet on why a cemetery needs a golf cart.)
Once in policy custody, the woman was discovered to have prior arrests for prostitution, reckless driving, and drugs (obvi). She’s been charged with two counts of indecent exposure and loitering/soliciting sex, and one count of being dead sexy (but not really, check out her mug shot).
Clearly putting in overtime, an Australian woman says she is entitled to workers compensation after she was injured while having sex in a motel room during a business trip. She claims she suffered a “psychiatric injury” (damn, was he that ugly?), as well as injuries to her mouth and nose, when a glass light fixture in her room smashed down onto her head while she was having sex with “an acquaintance” (aka, complete stranger).
The woman’s lawyer argued that the woman is entitled to compensation because sex is “an ordinary incident of life,” like showering, sleeping and eating. He continued that since the woman was required to spend the night in a motel chosen by her department, they should have informed her that having sex while on a business trip was not appropriate. (Because most business contracts outline this, obviously.)
“My client was actually quite significantly injured and emotionally traumatized, both by her injury and the way it has been reported as a subject of fun, which for her it is not,” he stated. Meanwhile, the insurance company argued that the woman should not be compensated because having sex has no relation to the woman’s job and took place outside the course of her employment. He maintained that the woman would only have a case if her employer “required” her to have sex or if she were able to prove that having sex was reasonably incidental to her work-related trip. It’s not clear when a verdict will be issued.
The Vag Pag: Whose Is Fairest of Them All?
Remember the good old days of slumber parties when girls used to compare their breasts?
Bringin’ it back and kickin it up a notch, The Annual Vagina Pageant, AKA The Vag Pag, took place last month at Club Rouge in Portland, OR.
With a cash prize of $500 (nothing to queef at), pussies galore filled the strip club to snatch the title, Miss Beautiful Vagina 2011.
Hosted by DJ Dick Hennessy, the word was spread (eagle) by the use of The Vagina Mobile; a clear breakthrough in (gr)assroots Marketing.
Goody bags for attendees included anti-bacterial sex-toy cleaner, condoms, lube, and Beav-R-Light; a non-toxic luminous gel for vagina that’s not afraid to glow in the dark.
Six (local) celebrities were invited as judges and rated the various vaginas with laminated scorecards. Sadly, the crowned Miss Beautiful Vagina 2011′s face seem to pale in comparison to her lady parts…
Dog Bites Off Man’s Penis
Knock knock. Who’s there? Jamaican. Jamaican who? Jamaican me sterile. A Jamaican man lost his penis when a vicious dog bit it off. The 45-year-old broom-maker (yes there are people who actually do that for a living) was rushed to the hospital where he was treated and released after a friend’s mongrel dog attacked him.
In an interview with local press, the dog’s owner (who apparently speaks very broken English) commented, “When the dog grab on to his penis, he was trying to push off di dog but di dog dragged it and run off with it and drop di piece that him bite off. When wi wake up di next day, dem did a look for it but it seems like ants or something like dat must gone with it“.
Since the attack, the man was heard telling someone about his bandaged penis, “Look how it likkle and a eight stitches hold in deh.” (I think that means it’s really small now, like, Irishman small…)
A taxi driver in the UK was forced to remove a small blue glass cross from his dashboard after a passenger complained that it looked too much like a penis. (Crucifdix?)
The driver, a devout Catholic, had kept the small Greek cross in his cab for years without problem and was shocked when he received his first-ever complaint, made by what turned out to be a 15-year-old on his way to school who saw the cross and couldn’t help but associate it with genitalia.
Local authorities took the wisenheimer’s complaint seriously and ordered it removed. Upon realizing they were taking advice from a pubescent punk, authorities realized they handled the issue badly.
This was particularly obvious when later that same day, on the other side of town, the council forced a local baker to remove his skullcap after a 13-year-old complained that his head was too reminiscent of “a giant tit.” (Well, he did have a point…)
The votes are in: “The Devil made me do it,” excuse is still a classic. A man from Arizona is facing a felony count of sexual abuse after forcing his maid to inappropriately touch him and then blaming Satan for his misconduct. The 76-year-old put the woman’s hand on his penis four times while she cleaned his trailer. (Because trailer trash needs love too; or at least, they need hand jobs.)
The maid reported the incident in June, telling authorities that the perp was making sexual advances toward her and she felt uncomfortable. The man later told her that Satan must have been behind his actions. He was apologetic and asked for her forgiveness, stating that he didn’t get any enjoyment out of it (suspect) and hadn’t had sex since the 1980s (NOT suspect).
After his arrest, the man denied ever having grabbed the victim. Instead, he alleged that she was angry because he was going to fire her. He continued that she tried to swing at him, but hit him in the groin and that he grabbed her hand as it was on his penis. (Many missed swings have ended this way.) During the police interview, the suspect added that he MAY have kept her hand on his penis longer than necessary.
