A gChat About the Legend of The Chode
5:50 PM Count Cenci: Chodes have fascinated me for years, mainly because I’m pretty sure they don’t exist.
me: Well I can say that I’ve never seen one.
Count Cenci: As heterosexual man, I have encountered penis in the locker room, but it’s not something I have studied.
5:51 PM me: It’s probably best…
Count Cenci: Here’s why I think they’re a complete fabrication: I’ve never even met a girl that HAS seen one. Except for those girls that always say things when you’re at the bar to make them sound exotic, when you know they aren’t. I used to argue vehemently that chodes did exist…mainly because I don’t want to live in a world where they don’t.
me: I concur.
Count Cenci: Just for the readers, a chode is penis that is wider than it is long. Picture an ashtray or something equivalent to that. A tiny penis is not necessarily a chode.
5:55 PM me: As a woman, I can’t see how this would be satisfying, even in porn.
Count Cenci: Can we agree that a chode almost always has to be small? Actually not even almost always; always always.
5:56 PM me: Judges? They’ll allow it!
Count Cenci: Excellent. Now to continue.
me: Have you seen a picture of one?
Count Cenci: Beat me to it, forgive the pun. I have searched the interwebs high and low and seen more tiny penises than I ever wish to. Actually more penises than I would ever want to, and not a single chode.
5:58 PM me: Well, well, well. Google doesn’t seem to have all the answers after all. I’m sure this would be a unique differentiator for Bing. Perhaps a corporate letter to tip them off – again (p)unintended. Google needs to be taken down a peg or two.
Count Cenci: You can find everything online now. I actually found some porn of a woman sticking cockroaches in her snatch. I mean everything is out there. I even asked a buddy with more Internet knowledge than I and we both agreed: No chodes on the Internet. Maybe all the poor saps that have chodes are pulling a Murdoch and demanding Google pay them.
6:00 PM So let’s making the sweeping generalization that chodes aren’t anywhere on the Internet.
me: Not even: http://chode.com/ Although that yielded interesting results…
6:01 PM Count Cenci: Yes, it did. Maybe http://chode.org? Again a strange site.
me: Yes, still not very helpful. But perhaps The Chode is like God. You can never prove its existence, but some just believe.
Count Cenci: WOW. That’s the best explanation in all my the chode conversations I’ve ever had.
me: Now we’s gettin’ deep.
Count Cenci: Was that another (p)unintentional pun?
me: If you please!
Count Cenci: I have a hypothesis about the few women who have claimed they’ve seen chodes. Again, these women said such things probably to appear more exotic. They probably encountered an unusually thick and short penis. They’re out there. Right now I am pushing my fist into my palm, where it immediately falls out. That’s the hand movement I am implying.
me: First, who in their right mind would actually admit to that? And second, well that second part made no sense.
6:10 PM Count Cenci: The penis is too thick and short to actually penetrate the vaginal wall (in this analogy my palm–and my fist being the squat dick).
me: Yes, yes I see the problem.
Count Cenci: A serious problem that probably makes less secure women feel terrible and even more insecure.
me: Sort of a round hole square peg problem. Only the square peg is just an abnormally thick cock.
6:12 PM Count Cenci: Correctamundo! 1000 Starwood points for The $@bs. You’re doing a good job cutting through my endlessly rambling brain.
6:13 PM me: I must admit, until today, I had never heard of The Chode. Frankly, I’m embarrassed.
Count Cenci: My theory/postulate/whatever is that the chode was actually invented by these women, who, when faced with a particularly think and short penis decided, “Nah fuck that. Let’s just call it a chode and make people think there are penises out there which are wider than they are long.‘ They. Do. Not. Exist.
6:17 PM me: Pls hold
6:18 PM me: And we’re back
6:19 PM Count Cenci: That was like gChat blue balls. Now I just want a camel light and a cold shower
6:20 PM me: ROFL. My apologies! But bake to chodes. I wouldn’t be sorry if they didn’t exist. I’d be fucking scarred for life if I ever actually saw one in real life. An animated one might be ok though… something by Disney?
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