Eau De Pussy: Vagina Scented Perfume
Personally, I’d prefer that my vagina is fragrant, not that my fragrance is vaginal. But apparently not everyone feels that way. A new scent claims to capture the “the vaginal scent of a beautiful woman.” (Thankfully, no one has yet tried to bottle the vaginal scent of an ugly woman, well, except Paris Hilton.) The new fragrance, Vulva Original, is a self-proclaimed “erotic feminine scent“, and promises to offer pleasure and arousal by smelling it.
The product is available online only on www.smellmeand.com and sells for about $33. Recommended usage suggests application to various areas of the body via a roll-on applicator. Now what would happen if I rolled that onto my vagina? Do two vaginal scents cancel each other out? Even more important, do I have to smell like the sweaty biker’s vagina depicted in their :60 spot? To be continued…
Everyone who has had fears about having a heart attack at a Swiss whorehouse can now breathe a sigh of relief. Swiss prostitutes are now being trained to use defibrillators when needed. Brothel owners say it’s important to have electric shock treatment on-site in case one of their many elderly customers need to jump start their hearts from too much excitement.
The most recent victim was just having some fun with anti-impotence medication, and wound up giving the term ‘Die Hard’ new definition. His death is only one in a series of incidents of old men croaking in a similar fashion .
Defibrillators work by delivering a controlled electric shock to the heart to restore a normal heartbeat, after it has stopped. Reports indicate that Health professionals support the idea of stocking brothels and sex clubs with defibrillators in sex clubs and brothels. One brothel owner stated, “Having customers die on us isn’t exactly good publicity“. (Ya think???)
Gum To Help Men Perform
If you have a hard time getting it up (pun intended) and you’re too chicken shit to get a prescription for Viagra, then prepare to celebrate (the party in your pants). Introducing a new line of gum that you’ll get a hard-on for,literally: erection-enhancing gum.
The new Sexlets brand chewing gum is about to be released to the market and boasts of a combination of ginseng, Vitamin E, yohimbe bark and orchic powder, (crushed bull testicles, naturally) to help power your penis. A pack of 15 goes for $11.97 and each piece looks like a vitamin. The vitamin turns into powder in your mouth (ew) and then into peppermint-flavored gum. Frankly this sounds more nauseating than Pop Rocks (which would really be a better name for the product). Recommended dosage is 4 tablets per boner.
I’m not usually the type to care about celeb gossip. I am, however, very much interested in Twitter and vaginas (not necessarily in that order); particularly when they fall into the same story. Last night they came together when Katy Perry asked of her 1.7 million followers on Twitter, ”Is it normal to have a recurrent rash with blisters on my vagina?” (Overshare much???)
MTV’s newsroom blog noted that it was no more unusual than her normal histrionics, but still, ewe. Some that one of her studio producers may have hijacked her Twitter account, but regardless, Perez Hilton tweeted, ”Let‘s get Katy Perry’s vagina to #1 y’all!” (Let’s not and say we did, huh?) Thus prompted, tweeps took the ball (or ‘gyner) and ran with it. Before too long KP’s vaj became the top-trending topic on Twitter, upstaged only briefly overly hyped iPad.
Restore the Color of Your Vagina
I don’t spend so much time staring at my genitals that I’d ever notice if mine was fading in color, but I’m glad to know that if I ever did, a solution already exists.
My New Pink Button is a cosmetic colorant that promises to restore the pink back to a woman’s genitals. The creators noted that over the years, it’s normal for a woman’s labia to lose its pink hue due to stress or childbirth.
This specialty stain “blends with the skin’s natural color” and lasts for about three days – “perfect for a romantic weekend” (during which, you’d of course want your vagina at its pinkest).
I find this somewhat racist, since minority women wouldn’t have the need to color their vaginas pink (unless they are into punk rock pussy, perhaps). Also, I didn’t see corresponding links for “My New Black Button” or the like…
Police are charging a man of Jensen Beach, Florida for possession of child pornography; finding more than 1,000 images on his personal computer.
In response to the allegations, the man told police he was only downloading music and had left the room when his cat jumped on the keyboard.
He stated that when he returned “strange things” appeared on the screen. (Even stranger, he saved them to jerk off to later, apparently.)
The man is being held in a local county jail on $250,000 bail. No charges have been filed against the cat, who is being detained for questioning but denies the accusations of having downloaded ‘kitty porn’.
Waiving his right to remain silent, in an interview with local news, the cat had this to say, “MEOOOOW”. No word from the prosecution attorney on whether his statement will be used as evidence in the pending case.
It’s more like morning, around 6 am, and I am in one of the most horrible after hours spots I’ve ever witnessed. The crowd is one Cotton Eyed Joe away from Seaside Heights, NJ status and the hair gel is flowing. Only one thing could make this the highlight / downfall of my one and only Las Vegas clubbing experience.
And then I see him: the epitome of all that is cheesy and glamorous. His painted fohawk gleams like a beacon of light and I recognize him instantly as the one they call “Tool Box” on VH1′s Daisy of Love.
A male exotic dancer AKA as Rico Valentino in Vegas, reaching douchebaggery of epic proportions, he claims to have once made a porn on a plane. His alias “Tool Box” is only too fitting considering that in his last moment of fame he was dry humping the other contestants and yelling “BROMAAANCE”. Moments later he was eliminated. Needless to say I spent of the evening (or morning, rather), yelling bromance to my drunken cohorts. Many thanks to my home skillet, Georgie Boy, who found the footage!
Girls in the Boys Room
Yesterday I almost walked into the men’s room AGAIN! The first time that happened to me was last week. I walked directly into the men’s locker room at NY Sports Club. As I strolled in unobserved, I remember thinking “Something seems different.” Then I saw some guy sitting there, fully clothed, thankfully. I uttered a loud “whoops” and bolted, completely embarrassed.
Yesterday I nearly walked into the men’s room at work. There are two doors that lead to each of the men’s and women’s bathrooms. I had just walked through door number 1 and was reaching for the door handle of door number 2 when I suddenly froze. I had that same feeling again, something was very different.
Recognizing the feeling, I quickly glanced in the hall for the signage indicating which gendered bathroom I had entered and realized my error, happily saving myself from further humiliation. Funny how I instantly felt the energy change even outside the door to the men’s room.
I was reminded of the day I was in the 4th grade and on my way to fetch the class milk, when I tried to look into the boy’s room. I just wanted to see if the set up was any different from the girl’s room. Honestly, I wasn’t a perv or anything (until much later, anyway). One kid saw me and told the teacher. She took me into the hall and spoke to me harshly about my not having behaved like a lady. Her head twitched viciously as she scolded me through her Parkinson’s disease. Apparently she didn’t buy my story of wanting to see the male bathroom decor.
$@bs
Can’t Help But Be a Part of It: NY, NY
I took this weekend off from the computer and felt like I was cheating on my blog. To my defense, I was out of town, and when I am, it is no more evident that I should not be leaving my city. Recently I’ve been expressing frustration with New York for months now, but even though I enjoy leaving, I’m not sure other cities enjoy my visit.
Par example: I had to take a shuttle from O’Hare Airport to the hotel at which I was staying. The Native American driver, whom I like to call Chief Molasses Ass, was driving BELOW the speed limit. I had to exert a lot of control over my mouth to refrain from asking whether he wouldn’t mind going a little bit faster (like the speed limit, just for instance).
The driver was too busy engaged in conversation with the other passengers on the shuttle, namely a couple from Rochester and a woman from Ft. Lauderdale. I couldn’t roll my eyes back far enough. I had to turn on my iPod at maximum volume to drone out their meaningless and ever-so-irritating chit chat.
When I was finally the last passenger left, I thought that would get things moving, but no. He wanted to be my private tour guide and insisted on telling me everything he knew about every street, building and anything else we passed. There was only one way out: I faked a phone call and chatted with myself for the last ten minutes of the torturous ride, until after what seemed like eternity, we finally reached my destination.
The point of this story: while NYC tends to be too much, every other city is just not enough: not diverse enough, not cool enough and definitely not fast enough! In short, I don’t think another city is big enough for me and my attitude.
$@bs
I’m not the type of girl that gets all giddy when I see celebrities on the streets of New York City; I just don’t care (much). I’ve seen more than a few, including Brandon Frasier, Diddy, Barbara Walters, Eddie Murphy, Daryl Hannah, Chris Noth, Claire Danes, Minnie Driver, and others.
Yesterday was only the 2nd time I saw a celebrity that set my heart a-fluttering: David Cross. I just love him! I think it’s cuz I’m such a comedy buff and adored Mr. Show. I walked past him and didn’t even notice that it was him at first; then I heard his voice – it’s unmistakable! I was very excited; but only one celebrity has made me absolutely swoon.
I was in Times Square waiting to cross the street when I saw him. First I noticed a man with flowing hair, slowly I came to the realization I was staring face to face with the one and only: Fabio! I could barely contain myself (and nearly pissed myself)! Since I was by myself, I frantically looked around to see if anyone else had seen what I had seen (a star, a star, shining through the night)!
Luckily, an Asian gentleman standing next to me, also waiting to cross, had spotted the man, the myth, and the legend. We smiled and exchanged knowing glances that clearly said, “That was Fabio!” No other celeb sighting has come close to comparing to this one so far and the only thing I have to say is “I can’t believe it’s not butter (spray)”. I have a hard time thinking of a celebrity spotting that might top this one… Any suggestions?
$@bs
