As a female, we have but two choices: and I don’t mean death or oongaboonga. You can shove a stick of cotton up there, hope there’s no overflow, and pull a warm gooey wad of blood out of yourself hours later, better known as a tampon.

Or you can place a would-be padded post it on your panties and glimpse the contents of your uterus leaking out every time you pee: the pad. Isn’t there a better solution? Not as of yet, but we just found out about a worse one: The Menstrual Cup.

The Menstrual Cup is a small silicone or latex container that holds about an ounce of period blood. You insert it into your vagina like a tampon and twice a day, you take it out and pour the blood into the toilet. Then rinse, vomit, and repeat.  Apparently some sick bitches love this technique, and I have to admit, they make a good case for why we should make the switch from tampons and pads.

 1. Money/Cash. The cup costs between $20-$40. Ladies spend that much in tampons and pads in a matter of months, but the cup can last for years.

2. Vaginally Green: Pads, tampons and plastic applicators satiate a landfill’s belly. Even Kermit knows it’s not easy being green, but this is a pretty simple way to give back to Muth Natche.

3. Hide the Crimson Tide: No need to worry about leakage or that ever-so-annoying little white string hanging seductively from your crotch. Added bonus: no risk of toxic shock syndrome.

Want to know more?  Check out this (somewhat disturbing) vid:

“It was very ghoulish, like a man screaming in pain,” one of the doctors described. “His mouth was open and it looked like one eye was gouged out.” Residents and staff alike were fascinated by the outline of a man’s face with his mouth agape on the ultrasound pictures.

Though the tumor was found to be benign,  the man had the testicle surgically removed just in case the face in his balls had any plans of its own.

After a visit to the bathroom, Mister PeePee posts tweets like, “Today’s Starbucks visit is rated as a 4 Boner. Spacious, clean, excellent coffee, strong WIFI, no interruptions & 1 hot chick.” He stated, “I’ve got to rate the bathroom on cleanliness, and note if a person knocked on the door and interrupted me.”

A Starbucks employee commented, “For everyone one of him who decides to mention it, think of how many don’t. We have one regular who comes in for about an hour a day and stares and studies the baristas working. Even takes pictures (it certainly seems) with his phone. Can’t really say anything though since he’s a cop. ”

The good news is that Mister PeePee is NOT one of the baristas…

What man doesn’t wish he had bigger balls? Perhaps one man from Las Vegas suffering from a condition resulting in the enlargement of his scrotum, now weighing in at 100 lbs. The man has difficulty with such simple tasks as getting dressed. He made a makeshift pedestal made from a pillow and milk crate to ease the pain his condition causes.

The 47-year-old traces his condition back to an incident in 2008. He rolled over in bed and struck his testicles with his leg, causing excruciating pain. The next morning his scrotum had swollen to the “size of a soccer ball.” Doctors who examined the scrotum found no trace of an infection which would have caused elephantiasis; so far all treatments have failed to shrink the scrotum.

The man has since been diagnosed with scrotal lymphedema, “a debilitating, massive swelling of the scrotum that results from lymph fluid and tissue buildup.” Doctors suggest that corrective surgery might leave the man without a penis or testicles. Doctors at the UCLA Medical Center say they could save his penis. That is, if the poor man can cough up a whopping $1M from his own pocket; his insurance won’t cover the out-of-state procedure.

In a desperate attempt to solicit funds, the man used a fake name and went on shock jock Howard Stern‘s radio show. He stated, “I don’t like being a freak, who would?” But I figured that the Stern show is listened to by millions of people and they might want to help me.” He hasn’t announced how much has been raised from email donations, but acknowledges it’s a start.

The 56-year-old man bought ten live eels from a local market after being told he would look years younger if he bathed with them. According to the ancient beauty tradition, the eels nibble off layers of dead skin; similar to the popular use of carp in pedicures.

When the man attempted the beauty treatment at home, a 15 cm. long eel squirmed up his urethra and straight into his bladder. He commented, “I tried to grab the eel to pull it out again but it was too slippery and disappeared.” After a three-hour operation, the eel was finally removed. Sadly, the eel was killed during the procedure. The penis has since sworn revenge against his lover’s attackers.

Anyone not yet visually pleasured by a fleshlight will soon succumb (hard) to these ghoulish delights.

Just in time for Halloween, Fleshlight helps you get your sex toy on with a monster motif.

And just in case The Drac doesn’t exactly get your blood crawling, you have a variety to choose cum. Er, from.

Police reported that the priest had approached a pregnant woman in the village and told her that her womb contained a python. The woman began to consult the priest to perform rituals on her until she delivered. When in labor, the priest told the woman not to look at the python so as to avoid birthing more pythons. The priest then carried the ‘python’ in a cloth to a nearby bush to bury it.

Later, the mother learned that the priest was claiming to have given birth to a baby girl and had held a naming ceremony. Suspicious, the woman went to her medical doctor who had taken her through the prenatal process before she had been in touch with the priest. The medical doctor informed her that the priest lied; prenatal tests showed that her womb contained a real fetus, not a python after all (shocker). Police arrested the priest, who then admitted he had tricked the biological mother of the baby he’d stolen.

The priest still maintains that he was sleeping one night when he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his waist and realized with shock that his penis had disappeared and in its place he had a vagina.

Police in North Idaho received a phone call from a local resident that “Some guy had gone in his garage and taken all his clothes off.  He went to the bathroom on his floor and was sitting in his hot tub naked.” The 23-year old suspect had also thrown up in the garage.

The homeowner held the suspect at gunpoint when he discovered the perp lounging on his couch naked. He said to the homeowner, ‘You are not going to shoot me‘. The homeowners wife then got involved and stated,  ‘He used to be a Marine, he’ll shoot you.’” (Just when you thought it was safe to crap in a stranger’s garage…)

Neighbors said when police arrived they ordered the homeowner to drop the gun, whereupon the intruder took off and went over the back fence.  He continued to run down the street naked until police caught him. Contrary to popular belief, the man caught was NOT the naked, greased up deaf guy from the popular animation cartoon, Family Guy.

Disturbed, the neighbor shouted, interrupting the crime of passion only momentarily. The perp pulled up his pants and left, but took the pool raft with him. (You can have his pool raft when you pry it from his cold, dead penis.)

When questioned by police, the man admitted to having sex with the pool raft, but claimed that he “has a problem,” (ya think???) and that he “needs help.” The discarded raft was found marooned in a backyard. The police investigation continues to determine whether the sex between the man and the raft was consensual.

Cops stated that a crowd had gathered to watch the woman “crawling on her hands and knees as vehicles swerved to avoid hitting her” and that “at one point, she rolled onto her back and spread her legs; she then continued crawling around.”

Authorities managed to get her out of harm’s way with minimal resistance and the 32-year-old was taken to a local medical center. Theories included that the woman was playing a naked version of human Frogger, but she then informed police that she’d been on a cocaine binge (shocker) and is now facing charges of disturbing the peace and criminal mischief. (Though somehow escaped charges of indecent exposure? Suspect…)