How do you spell relief? O-R-G-A-S-M!
Cops in OH are looking for a burglar with a boner that stole a truck and crashed it into an Adultmart to steal a sex toy valued at $800.
The sex toy is described as a “life-like masturbator complete with female genitalia with legs and buttocks” .
Officers spotted the truck after the robbery, but the perp — described as a white man wearing a blue hooded sweatshirt over a red shirt (with an extremely erect penis, no doubt) escaped on foot, sources say.
Police believe the thief must have stashed the sex toy somewhere after the robbery. (Yea, at the party in his pants; so far he’s the only one cumming.)
In jolly ol’ England, British subjects gear up to celebrate the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Not exactly known for their sexual prowess, one English company is taking the party to your pants; and everybody’s cuming:
Introducing the Royal Wedding Souvenir Condom. Encouraging lovers to “lie back and think of England“, Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction is producing special celebration packs that bear the slogan: “Like a royal wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion“.
All types of unofficial royal wedding paraphernalia has made its way onto the marketplace including tea towels (oh, Brits…), china, postcards and now, condoms; which critics have dismissed as “tasteless“. (And which is why they’ll no doubt be a huge hit in The States).
A representative for the manufacturer commented that the condoms are “a unique way to remember this great British occasion” and that “they will be a timeless memento of a magical wedding day” for years to cum. As for their additional claim that “England boasts some of the finest lovemaking in the world“, well, this remains in serious debate. For more, click here.
A Canadian man had just boarded a flight when he began to feel discomfort in his groin. Inspecting himself in the bathroom, he noticed that his genitals were bleeding. (Un)Naturally he sent for a male flight attendant to examine his bloody penis. Shockingly, the flight attendant refused and instead, simply handed the passenger some tissues. Upon landing, the passenger was admitted to a local hospital where doctors diagnosed him with a ruptured vein.
The passenger now claims that the flight attendant ruined his vacation and is now suing the airline for $8,000. (It also may have had something to do with the fact that his dick was bleeding.) Even if the flight attendant acquiesced to looking at the hemorrhaging cock, what exactly did he expect someone who’s NOT a medical professional to do? Suck out the poison? The Canadian judge felt similarly and rejected the case.
Flasher Claims He Was ‘Airing His Penis’
Two teenage girls were enjoying their neighborhood park when they spotted a man on a nearby park bench with his erect penis in his hand.
The man who flashed the teenage girls explained to police that he was merely ‘airing his penis’ due to a rash. (Why you would want to publicly expose your pox-ridden genitalia in broad daylight is beyond me.)
He also denied masturbating (just scratching at his rash profusely, I guess) and stated that he had been unaware of people passing him in the park.
The man was charged with willful and obscene exposure and fined $250. His penis was not taken in for evidence nor removed for questioning…
Testicles: The Other White Meat
A lot of international cuisine can make the American stomach turn, but perhaps none so much as the art of cooking testicles. The Testicle Olympiad began in 2005 and has since been held annually as the world’s premiere “festival of testicle-cooking”, held in the Serbian region of Šumadija.
During the festival, teams compete for best tasting testes and work only with pork, veal, goat and ram testicles. The festival has been such a success that the organization released a testicle cookbook as a result, which boasts recipes for all kinds of testicle-based dishes: pizza and goulash; barbecued and stewed; cooked with wine; with bourguignonne sauce; in an omelet; with béchamel sauce.
The general belief is that testosterone-rich testicles are a powerful aphrodisiac, which naturally prompts many men bring their wives to the big eating event. The Šumadija’s Testicle Olympiad is not the only festival for this ‘gourmet cuisine’. The US began hosting such events in the 1950s, like The Rocky Mountain Oyster Feed in Idaho. (Any state that claims ‘I-da-ho’ would naturally host an event celebrating testicles; regardless, the term ‘testicle festival’ is pretty catchy).
