It's My World, Ur Just a Squirrel

Man Sues Airline For Refusing to Look At His Penis

The $@bs — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 23:13:34 +0000

A Canadian man had just boarded a flight when he began to feel discomfort in his groin. Inspecting himself in the bathroom, he noticed that his genitals were bleeding. (Un)Naturally he sent for a male flight attendant to examine his bloody penis. Shockingly, the flight attendant refused and instead, simply handed the passenger some tissues. Upon landing, the passenger was admitted to a local hospital where doctors diagnosed him with a ruptured vein.

The passenger now claims that the flight attendant ruined his vacation and is now suing the airline for $8,000. (It also may have had something to do with the fact that his dick was bleeding.) Even if the flight attendant acquiesced to looking at the hemorrhaging cock, what exactly did he expect someone who’s NOT a medical professional to do? Suck out the poison? The Canadian judge felt similarly and rejected the case.

‘Extra Small’ Condoms for 12-Year-Old Boys Go on Sale

The $@bs — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 17:29:15 +0000

Good news for sexually active 12-year-olds! A major Swiss condom manufacturer just created extra-small condoms for boys as young as 12 years of age. A standard condom has a diameter of 2 inches, while the newly created condom, known as ‘The Hotshot’, is 1.7 inches. (Actually, I can think of a few men above the age of 12 that might also benefit from this.)

The mini-condom, whose slogan is “it fits when passion hits“, was the result of research done by family planning groups and the Swiss AIDS Federation. Their studies showed that adolescent boys were not using proper protection when engaging in intercourse. Currently, the product is only offered in Switzerland and sells for 7.60 Swiss Francs per pack of six. However, a representative of the manufacturer stated that the newly developed condoms will hopefully soon be available in the UK, which has the highest rate of teen pregnancy in Europe.

Big Penis Saves Minor

The $@bs — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 20:37:33 +0000

Big dicks never looked so good; especially to one particular first grader. She was spared from being raped because her assailant’s penis was too big to penetrate her.

The attacker, a farmer, lured the girl in a school yard and asked her to lie down next to him on the ground. When she refused, he pulled her to the ground and removed her clothes.

Police stated that the size of the farmer’s dick was a “blessing in disguise” since he could not penetrate the victim. Instead, he just ejaculated all over the girl’s privates.

The girl reported the incident to her aunt, which led to the farmer’s arrest. Bet he wishes he stuck to sheep…

My only question regarding the case is whether inmates will rejoice or lament over the addition of the farmer’s unit to their living quarters…

Man With World’s Largest Penis Unemployed

The $@bs — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 21:58:02 +0000

Just exactly how large is the world’s biggest male member? According to an HBO documentary, right around 13.5 inches. It cums as no surprise then (pun intended), that the owner of this impressive piece of equipment, Jonah Falcon, is an aspiring actor.

What is surprising, however, is that he has rejected the obvious career choice for a man of his standing (on 3 legs): Porn. I know, kind of a waste of … um, natural talent. Why? Two reason: First, he stated “If I did porn, nobody would take me seriously. Nobody. And Nobody would care about the size of my penis.”

And secondly, “Because porn actors all lie about the size of their penis. I’ve been measured on TV.”

Instead he’d rather swing his thing around the unemployment line. Make sense to anyone? Yea, me neither, but apparently the man (to end all men) is still seeking employment.

I wonder if he’d consider a (very) private company…

Bedazzle Your Vagina

The $@bs — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 19:48:39 +0000

Who hasn’t heard of the bedazzler, which leaves even your gaudiest garment ten times tackier? Did you ever want to bedazzle a body part? How about your vagina? Well now you can with ‘Vajazzling’. If you’ve looked at your vagina and noticed a lack of rhinestones, your days of worry are over.

Popularized by NYC’s Completely Bare Spa, you can now have your freshly shorn vaj adorned with stick-on Swarovski crystals in a design of your choice. Customers can pick from a variety of designs including a starburst, a heart, or a butterfly, just to name a few.

Personally, I’d like something a little bit more elaborate and custom to decorate my sacred cave. Like maybe a recreation of the Sistine Chapel ceiling…

Click here to see vajazzling in effect!

Japanese Game Keeps Track Of How Much You Masturbate

The $@bs — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:15:59 +0000

So much more advanced than the US, Japanese electronics never cease to amaze and delight. Taking video games to the next level, Japanese adult video game developer, Waffle, has come out with a game that gives the term ‘joystick’ new meaning: ”Me Who Can’t Stop His Right Hand and Childhood Sisters” (roughly translated).

If you think this game sounds awesome(ly incestuous), you’ll be even more excited to know that it tracks how often you rub one out, how much you ejaculate, and how long it takes you to reach orgasm. It even suggests new ways to masturbate!

The one problem I have with the game is that it seems geared to men only. Where’s the women’s version? I mean, come on, a girl’s gotta eat! Am I right, Ladies? Hang on, I think I just got an idea for a new business venture… To see the full article, click here.

How to Masturbate Discreetly in Public

The $@bs — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:40:48 +0000

If you’re a natural born horn-dog and have never tried masturbating (discreetly) in public, you’re missing out. The danger of getting caught can be quite thrilling, and apparently not I’m alone in this sentiment. A recent article published by The Daily Loaf has some helpful hints on how you can get started being naughty on the down low, such as:

Hide a Vibe Lipgloss – The perfect lip color or a secret pocket rocket for your portable pleasure? Only you can tell!
Vibrating Panties – Arouse your button with just a push of a button.
Seat Massager – Recommended for men (though I don’t really get how that translates into masturbation…)

My personal favorite is the old standby “crotch hole in the overalls” trick – works every time.

For the full article, click here.

Next Olympic Sport: Pole Dancing

The $@bs — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 02:46:15 +0000

If you’ve even been to at least one good strip bar (and you know you have), you know that pole dancing can get pretty intense. Well it’s not just for crack whores any more. One Japanese pole dancer wants to prove that her twenty-five hours of weekly training and blister covered hands deserve attention from someone other than leering pervs. She’s one of many who are now supporting pole dancing as the next official Olympic sport.

What was once considered taboo has suddenly attracted thousands of practitioners who strive to perfect an art form previously known only to tawdry strip clubs. The founder of the International Pole Dancing Fitness Association, the sport’s mother-ship organization, stated, “There will be a day when the Olympics see pole dancing as a sport. The Olympic community needs to acknowledge the number of people doing pole fitness now.” The organization is targeting the 2012 Olympic Games as the first to include.

One of Finland’s most renown pole dance teachers compares the sport to skateboarding or snowboarding, two popular Olympic events despite somewhat controversial beginnings. However, some pole dancers fear that the sexy side of the dance will be lost if it becomes a legitimate sport (Pole Dancing Olympic Scores: Skill- 9/Sex Appeal- 4). One thing is for true, it will be a whore of a different color without the stilettos and thongs.

To read the full article, click here.

Vagina Rejuvenation Spray

The $@bs — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 22:37:20 +0000

If the artificial hymen isn’t enough to prove your faux purity, now there’s Instant Virgin vagina tightening spray! Made of all natural ingredients, this new herbal spray can be applied 15 minutes prior to sex and promises to start tightening the vaginal walls immediately.

The manufacturing company states that the product is condom safe and will not affect fertility. (Yea, I don’t know that you’d want to tighten your vagina any time around pregnancy.) There’s even a money back guarantee if it does produce the desired result. (“Hey, my vagina’s still loose!”)

Daily use of the item will apparently prevent your vagina from “further aging” and provide for “total vagina rejuvenation”. (Rejuvajnation? Eh, there’s somethin’ there…) The makers continue that the item is very economically price and that after all, “Men prefer a tight vagina”. (Thanks, Captain Obvious.)

Swiss Prostitutes Trained To Use Defibrillators in Brothels

The $@bs — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 19:50:17 +0000

Everyone who has had fears about having a heart attack at a Swiss whorehouse can now breathe a sigh of relief. Swiss prostitutes are now being trained to use defibrillators when needed. Brothel owners say it’s important to have electric shock treatment on-site in case one of their many elderly customers need to jump start their hearts from too much excitement.

The most recent victim was just having some fun with anti-impotence medication, and wound up giving the term ‘Die Hard’ new definition. His death is only one in a series of incidents of old men croaking in a similar fashion .

Defibrillators work by delivering a controlled electric shock to the heart to restore a normal heartbeat, after it has stopped. Reports indicate that Health professionals support the idea of stocking brothels and sex clubs with defibrillators in sex clubs and brothels. One brothel owner stated, “Having customers die on us isn’t exactly good publicity“. (Ya think???)