Testicle Festival
Heading to Montana? Then prepare yourself for the 5-day-long Ballfest 2010, otherwise known as ‘The Testy Festy‘. Every August, Rock Creek Lodge in Clinton, MT celebrates bulls’ balls and general alcoholic debauchery in their annual Testicle Festival; one of the biggest and best parties in the area.
Staff at the Lodge have reported that this year’s orders include 65 cases of hard alcohol: vodka, whisky, rum and Jägermeister, along with about 700 cases of beer. One of their specialty drinks, the “Celtic Trapper” features Xyience Energy Drink, Malibu and flavored vodka.
What’s on the menu: Balls, and plenty of ‘em, battered, deep fried and chewier than chicken. The festival fee is $17 per person for the full five days. What should you expect? Anything and everything. And if you’re still not sure, click here for the “What to Expect” video.
“Is that a Big Mac in your pocket or are you just stealing off the dollar menu?” McDonald’s employees at a store in South Carolina called police when a woman bought a sandwich and shoved it down her pants, insisting that her order wasn’t complete.
The woman had purchased two sandwiches and two small coffees, then took one of the sandwiches and put it down the front her jeans, demanding a free one. Staff called 911 after the woman became belligerent when they refused to give her a free sandwich. The responding officer stated that he could hear the woman screaming profanity at the cashier when he went into the McDonald’s.
Upon arrival, he asked the hysterical woman to step outside, noticing a large grease stain on the front of her pants. The woman denied having stolen the sandwich until a female officer arrived on the scene to search her. At that point, the woman pulled the sandwich out of her pants and put it on the hood of the police car while she continued to shout obscenities, reeking of alcohol. Convinced she had stolen more, the officers searched her, but what they initially thought was a Filet-O-Fish, turned out to be her vagina. She was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. The sandwich was not available for comment.
Quite possibly the biggest schmuck on the planet, a man bashed and choked his girlfriend until she blacked out when she tried to engage him in a threesome. The woman brought along a female friend on a camping trip, during which she confessed to her boyfriend that she was bisexual. She even supplied the party with alcohol to make him “more receptive” to the notion of a threesome. (Because most men need to be persuaded to have sex with two women at once, right?)
But just as things started getting good and the two girls became more involved with each other, homeboy decided to bounce. He stormed off in his car and quickly and drunkenly crashed into bushes. His girlfriend ran after him and attempted to take the car keys from him. At this point, the drama was unfolding in front of many other campers. As his girlfriend grabbed at the keys, the man slapped her and shoved her to the ground.
The girlfriend then tried to run off, but the man punched her in the head, chest and back before choking her until she blacked out. She suffered bruising and a sore neck but recovered, while her stupid and shady boyfriend spent the night and next day in jail. He pled guilty to two counts of assault and received a three-month jail sentence, suspended on condition of good behaviour for two years. You would think that this would be the end of their relationship, but actually, sources report that the couple has since become engaged. (Congrats, Ike Turner.)
Homeless Man Charged With Indecent Exposure
A homeless man was arrested Saturday after authorities say he was seated outside a Laundromat wearing a jeans jacket around his waste, but no pants. When questioned, the man claimed his pants were inside being washed.
One witness told police that she walking out of the gas station next door when she passed the man, who lifted one leg as she walked by, exposing his genitalia to her. The man from East Naples (more like east nipples) was arrested for indecent exposure in public, trespassing, having an open container of alcohol in a public area and resisting an officer without violence.
Naked Walker Survives Snow Fall
One man’s drunken, midnight ramble through the woods almost turned his birthday suit into his death-day suit early yesterday morning.
The intoxicated 21-year-old slipped and rolled naked down the Victoria alpine region.
Police and medical staff were contacted the man, from Oakleigh, AU, slid over 260 feet down a frozen embankment before smashing into trees.
The man was recovered by friends and treated at the scene of the incident, suffering multiple abrasions to most of his body and second-degree hypothermia (not to mention a severe case of shrinkage). A local official called to the scene (and Notorious B.I.G.) commented, “…Another reminder that snow and alcohol don’t mix” (“like two dicks and no bitch; find yourself in serious $hit.”) A-DUH.
Cops: Nude, drunk was hard to bring down
It took 10 police officers to restrain a drunk, naked Lebanese man at a campground over the weekend in Noblesville, IN. (PS this has the makings of some seriously fantastic sketch comedy.) The local sheriff’s department stated that officers were called to the campground just after 3 am Sunday morning on reports of a “drunk, belligerent, naked man starting several fights there“. (That narrows it down… to all of the male guests on Jerry Springer.)
Arriving at the scene, police were exiting their vehicles when the unclothed, agitated and evidently injured man charged at them. (They must have been wearing red instead of blue.) The man continued to resist arrest even as a police dog bit him repeatedly and he was hit several times with a stun gun. At length he was successfully sedated and handcuffed. (Tough little f*cker!)
Police believe the man was reacting to a combination of alcohol, cocaine, PCP and magic mushrooms. (Oh, crazy little f*cker…) He was taken to a nearby hospital and later charged with disorderly conduct, resisting law enforcement, criminal mischief and striking or interfering with law enforcement.
The only question that remains: Is the guy fat? Cuz I’m going to need a little more direction casting the skit…
New Year’s Revolution and The FThrax
So one of my new year’s resolutions is to revolt against the Season Affective Disorder with which I’ve been self diagnosed. Every winter I have the urge to stage my own death and move to Spain. I’ve never even been to Spain, so I’m not entirely sure why I’ve decided I’d be happier there. It’s not like they don’t have winter.
One particular concerning side effect is my craving for sweets and starches. I’ve been sucking down sugar like it’s going out of style, which, of course, it never will. Would love to hear if anyone has any experiences with SAD and how they have remedied the situation (or not). Some have suggested light therapy, but I’m going to go with alcohol.
As a complete nonsequitur, when I get good and pissed at someone, I dream of sending them the Fake Thrax, powdered sugar in an unmarked enveloped. Now I’m not saying that I would ever do that, I’m just saying that I dream of it.
$@bs
Project Alcohol: Fierce
Got trashed last night… even shook my ass a bit. It was great.
I always feel especially accomplished on the nights I am able to go out and get drunk; mostly because usually I’m home watching movies on my laptop with a cat under each arm; not that that’s a bad thing.
Last night I went to Fashion Forty, a bar an old friend of mine co-owns.
I wasn’t there to see him though in the past I used to visit him every once in a while since I work around the corner.
Once when I stopped by, he didn’t appear for an hour.
When I finally saw him, I told him I had been looking for him, his response was,
“Yea, everybody’s looking for me.”
I didn’t bother to visit him again.
Get over yourself.
There will be more drinking in the late afternoon at my company Christmas party at Spanky’s Barbeque.
I’m going to have to get drunk just to deal with being in a place called Spanky’s.
$@bs
