“Is that a Big Mac in your pocket or are you just stealing off the dollar menu?” McDonald’s employees at a store in South Carolina called police when a woman bought a sandwich and shoved it down her pants, insisting that her order wasn’t complete.
The woman had purchased two sandwiches and two small coffees, then took one of the sandwiches and put it down the front her jeans, demanding a free one. Staff called 911 after the woman became belligerent when they refused to give her a free sandwich. The responding officer stated that he could hear the woman screaming profanity at the cashier when he went into the McDonald’s.
Upon arrival, he asked the hysterical woman to step outside, noticing a large grease stain on the front of her pants. The woman denied having stolen the sandwich until a female officer arrived on the scene to search her. At that point, the woman pulled the sandwich out of her pants and put it on the hood of the police car while she continued to shout obscenities, reeking of alcohol. Convinced she had stolen more, the officers searched her, but what they initially thought was a Filet-O-Fish, turned out to be her vagina. She was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. The sandwich was not available for comment.
Taking ‘play area’ literally, a 38-year-old man was arrested for looking at porn while jerking off at a Madison, WI Mickey D’s. The man used his laptop to watch porn while about 20 children were playing. Apparently, one of the other parents became suspicious when it became obvious that the man had no children in the play area. (Because if he did have kids playing, looking at porn and jerking off would have been fine…)
The concerned parent told police that he saw a man looking at a porn and typing with one hand, while masturbating with the other (add multitasking to his resumé). The responding officer confirmed witnessing the same. Upon his arrest, the suspect admitted to exercising bad judgment. (Ya think???)
Man Caught Spankin’ It at Target
People, if you insist on jerking off in your car, please park in your own driveway. A man is now facing misdemeanor exposure charges after he was caught masturbating in a Target parking lot. The 63-year-old parked his silver Chevy close to the building and covered his junk with nothing but old newspaper when witnesses saw him jerking off.
He wasn’t wearing pants when police approached his vehicle and told the cops that he didn’t have any pants on because he was hot and that he’d just been relaxing in his car. (Yes, I think most would agree that masturbating is very relaxing.) A police search of the vehicle yielded several porn photos, a bag containing women’s under garments, a handful of long brown hair (ew) and a clear vessel that contained fluids (ewier).
Upon his arrest, police discovered that he had been charged with indecent conduct in ’69 (Coincidence? I think not) and with peeping in ’73. During his arrest, the man told police that his wife of 35 years was ill and he was unable to have with her. (Naturally, the next best thing was gratifying himself in a Target parking lot.)
Two Men Caught Having Sex at Kmart
I know, Kmart often has that effect on me too – it might be the Martha Stewart Collection, not sure. Regardless, two men were arrested after a Kmart manager heard moaning sounds coming from the men’s bathroom. (They don’t call it “The Big K” for nothing, I guess). The manager contacted local police and reported two men engaged in a sexual act in one of the stalls.
When questioned, the men told police that they didn’t know each other and denied the incident. However, one of the men had gloves, condoms and lotion in his right pocket.The two men, a 58-year-old and a 59-year-old, are now facing charges of disorderly conduct.
Apparently, three other men were arrested at the same Kmart for soliciting sex earlier this year, so it must be on Craigslist or something; though I didn’t see anything about this particular bathroom in the Men Seeking Men section. The glory-hole in the men’s bathroom at Washington Square Park, however…
$800 Fine for Penis Graffiti on Gay Home
Sadly, the headline to this story is much more entertaining than the facts. A man admitted to painting a florescent green penis on Gunns‘ chairman, John Gay’s property last year. The 21-year-old had been drinking with a friend (shocker) when the pair decided to buy some paint from Kmart in October. One painted the green penis on Gay’s fence while the other let off a smoke bomb on Gay’s doorstep. Disappointingly, the house was not gay, as I had initially thought by the headline.
Yesterday the painter pleaded guilty to one count of injuring property. His lawyer told the court his client’s actions constituted nothing more than “drunken tomfoolery” and that ”in the sober, cold light of day, (he) realized it was not very funny at all,” which I highly doubt since I’m not drunk but still had a good laugh… (PS. Picture shown here not actual graffiti from case, but so damn good I had to include…)
Man Shakes Bare Ass at Women in Target
Police arrested a man after they received a complaint of indecent exposure from a shopper at a local Target. The woman alleged that a man followed her around the store, “exposing his buttocks” and shaking them like a polaroid picture. (Why the surveillance vid is not yet on Youtube is disappointing to say the least.) Another shopper had made a similar complaint at a second Target earlier in the day.
When an officer saw a man fitting the description given, they interviewed him at police headquarters and finally arrested him. The 33 year-old was booked into the Oklahoma County jail on the complaints, but has not been formally charged in the case.
Court records showed that he pleaded guilty in ’99 to two counts of indecent exposure from an incident in 1998. Pretty emBARE-ASSing. Ah? Ah? Ahhhhh…
The Anti Rape Condom With Teeth
Many women all over the world live in fear of being raped, which is NO laughing matter. Sure, you can carry mace, pepper spray, brass knuckles and a switchblade, like I do, but it still doesn’t mean that you’ll get to the weapons in time to stop the crime. Well, Ladies, fear no more. Introducing Rape-aXe: A female condom with teeth.The condom-like latex sheath is armed with razor sharp barbs that a woman wears in her vagina. It’s not painful to wear and also prevents STDs.
If an attacker attempts penetration, the barbs grip his penis. The feeling is described as getting your dick caught in a zipper. But the best part is yet to come (or rather, not cum). When the assailant withdraws his penis in pain, Rape-aXe does NOT let go. The device can only be removed surgically, deterring him from future rape attempts or doing much else with his penis ever again. This will also lead to his arrest. WOMANOAH! Wanna see more? Click here for the video demonstration. BIG thanks to @SarahHorvat for hooking us up with the article!
Woman Caught with Bag of Xanax in her Vagina
Oh, nature’s pocketbook – the vagina: the perfect hiding spot for all of your illegal contraband. A 27-year-old woman was pulled over for speeding in a school zone. When the officer asked if he could do a search, the woman replied, “I have a bag of zani bars down my pants.” (Or was she just happy to see him…)
She explained to the officer that she did not have a prescription for the pills and became scared when she saw the deputy’s lights come on. She then took the bag from her purse and placed them into her vagina.
Only when the search was requested did she then produce the clear, plastic baggy that had eight whole Xanax pills and seven that were cut in half. She was charged with drug possession, but her vagina’s still not speaking to her for outing their stash.
A high school Art teacher approached a student’s desk to check on his art project when she noticed him staring off into space. She was attempting to get his attention, when the student pulled up his shirt and ‘took it out’.
He then began to moan “Ay mami” and started spanking it enthusiastically in front of the teacher as well as the 30 other students in class, ranging from 14 to 17 years old.
The teacher was unable to stop the student from his continued masturbation (now that’s dedication) and ran to get help from school police, who arrested the student felony charges of indecency with a child (his classmates).
He’s being held in the local county jail on $5,000 bail. To his defense, I masturbated in Art class once too, but that’s only because we were studying Michelangelo’s David. (How can he have such large hands and such a small cock? I call shenanigans.)
Woman Splits Police Officer’s Testicle
Police arrested a woman after she became aggressive when attempting to remove her mother and brother from a nursing home, in violation of an order by the Guardianship Board. Resisting arrest, the 58-year-old woman refused to get into the police car and urinated all over her clothes, rubbing her soaked dress into a senior officer’s face and chest. (I think we’d get along swimmingly!)
She continued her erratic behave until she was taken to a cell at the local police station. When the same police officer tried to stop her standing up, the woman grabbed his testicles, twisted them, and would not let go. (WOMANOAH!)
The assault left the officer with a tear in his right epididymis, which later became infected, leaving him with ongoing chronic pain and concerns over his ability to father children. (Ok, that might have been a bit much.)
Upon further investigation, doctors and psychiatric reports showed that the woman suffered a “mixed personality disorder with borderline histrionic and narcissistic traits“. The judge acknowledged that the woman was “extremely distressed” at the time because the Guardianship Board, Public Advocate and police had treated her mother and brother, suffering from dementia and Downs Syndrome, in an unfair manner.
In light of the woman’s condition and the circumstances surrounding her immediate family, the judge presiding over the case suspended her nine-month prison term on the condition that she agree to probation for two years and undergoes (severe) psychiatric treatment.
