Woman Caught with Bag of Xanax in her Vagina
Oh, nature’s pocketbook – the vagina: the perfect hiding spot for all of your illegal contraband. A 27-year-old woman was pulled over for speeding in a school zone. When the officer asked if he could do a search, the woman replied, “I have a bag of zani bars down my pants.” (Or was she just happy to see him…)
She explained to the officer that she did not have a prescription for the pills and became scared when she saw the deputy’s lights come on. She then took the bag from her purse and placed them into her vagina.
Only when the search was requested did she then produce the clear, plastic baggy that had eight whole Xanax pills and seven that were cut in half. She was charged with drug possession, but her vagina’s still not speaking to her for outing their stash.
A high school Art teacher approached a student’s desk to check on his art project when she noticed him staring off into space. She was attempting to get his attention, when the student pulled up his shirt and ‘took it out’.
He then began to moan “Ay mami” and started spanking it enthusiastically in front of the teacher as well as the 30 other students in class, ranging from 14 to 17 years old.
The teacher was unable to stop the student from his continued masturbation (now that’s dedication) and ran to get help from school police, who arrested the student felony charges of indecency with a child (his classmates).
He’s being held in the local county jail on $5,000 bail. To his defense, I masturbated in Art class once too, but that’s only because we were studying Michelangelo’s David. (How can he have such large hands and such a small cock? I call shenanigans.)
Woman Splits Police Officer’s Testicle
Police arrested a woman after she became aggressive when attempting to remove her mother and brother from a nursing home, in violation of an order by the Guardianship Board. Resisting arrest, the 58-year-old woman refused to get into the police car and urinated all over her clothes, rubbing her soaked dress into a senior officer’s face and chest. (I think we’d get along swimmingly!)
She continued her erratic behave until she was taken to a cell at the local police station. When the same police officer tried to stop her standing up, the woman grabbed his testicles, twisted them, and would not let go. (WOMANOAH!)
The assault left the officer with a tear in his right epididymis, which later became infected, leaving him with ongoing chronic pain and concerns over his ability to father children. (Ok, that might have been a bit much.)
Upon further investigation, doctors and psychiatric reports showed that the woman suffered a “mixed personality disorder with borderline histrionic and narcissistic traits“. The judge acknowledged that the woman was “extremely distressed” at the time because the Guardianship Board, Public Advocate and police had treated her mother and brother, suffering from dementia and Downs Syndrome, in an unfair manner.
In light of the woman’s condition and the circumstances surrounding her immediate family, the judge presiding over the case suspended her nine-month prison term on the condition that she agree to probation for two years and undergoes (severe) psychiatric treatment.
Not sure how to tell the special woman in your life how you feel?
Well don’t try pissing through her mail slot.
Police arrested a man for property damage after he repeatedly left his “scent” through the mail slot of the apartment belonging to the woman he liked.
The man would visit the woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and urinate through the mail slot onto a towel hung just inside the slot to keep people from peering into the apartment (might have kept them from peering, but unfortunately not from peeing).
Apparently, he’s been doing it for quite some time since the woman reported that her doorbell would often ring in the middle of the night since August and he’d leave his “mark” inside the entrance to her apartment.
Arrested for Prostitution: Mi Suk Yang
No this isn’t a joke. Also, it’s not really newsworthy, but it cracked me up, so deal.
An effort to crack down on prostitution/massage parlors resulted in the arrest of three women, including one who faced the same charge last year: Mi Suk Yang. (Thanks, Captain Obvious).
Her second charge, the 47-year-old (ew) was first charged just over a year ago for propositioning an undercover officer at the same business. She is expected to appear in state court later this month.
Last week police arrested a 26-year-old woman for posing naked for a photographer in full view of visitors in the NYC Museum of Modern Art’s arms and armor wing.
The model is now facing charges of public lewdness though attorney accurately points out that the museum is full of nude art, and to call what the model and the photographer obscene is ridiculous.
The photographer, Zach Hyman (insert peals of laughter here), who directed the shoot, has been getting a fair amount attention around New York recently for his tendency to photograph nude models on subway.
Hyman insists that he’s inspired by nude paintings (what hymen wouldn’t be?), and that his photos are not pornographic.
Since the photographer is getting all of the press and none of the charges, sounds like he hit a marketing gold mine to me.
If you don’t like women who wear make up at the gym, you’re gonna hate this b*tch. A Californian man wearing a bustier and watching porn on a computer in his apartment complex gym was arrested; but only after officers found drugs in his backpack. The sergeant on duty says the 45-year-old from Tustin, CA, was arrested Tuesday after a security guard in his building noticed him in a workout room that should have been locked.
Upon further investigation, police discovered the man in his bustier, plus a miniskirt, fishnet stockings and heels, hiding behind exercise equipment and watching an adult film on his laptop. After searching him, police arrested the man for drug possession after finding marijuana, methamphetamine and paraphernalia in his bag. Seriously, who works out in a bustier, miniskirt, fishnets, and heels??? The world may never know, since the man refused to comment following the arrest.
$@bs
