Eel Crawls Up Fishmonger’s Ass
Ever get that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling? It may be that a live eel is scrambling through your bung hole… A Chinese fishmonger suffered severe internal injuries after an eel crawled up his ass when he slipped and fell off the edge of a container housing hundreds of fish.
The 43-year-old stated, ”I guess they were scared when I suddenly landed in the tank so they started wriggling everywhere. Several shot up my trouser leg. And then to my horror I felt one go up my bottom.”
The man attempted to continue with his work, but was in too much pain to do so. Emergency medical professionals were contacted when he later collapsed. Doctors were able to remove the eel in a surgical procedure which lasted five hours. A spokesperson for the hospital noted that, “the eel was as wide as two fingers and as long as a man’s arm.” So, uh, hintedy, hint-hint.
Hey, Morons: If you don’t want pedophiles to see your kids naked, don’t let them run around the yard donned in only a pair of crocs. One woman got an unpleasant surprise when she decided to search Google Street View for her mom’s house in the UK. Instead of seeing her mother’s English garden, she got a great shot of her 3-year-old son’s naked ass.
The uncensored image of her boy’s buttocks suddenly made her realize that pedophiles could use the shot for their masturbating pleasure. (Apparently anyone within sight of the toddler’s tush live didn’t bother her.) The angry mother sent a complaint to Google, who then immediately blurred the image, and apologized.
But(t) it was too late, Herbert the Pervert had seen everything and had his way with the image of the mini eArse.
Man Shakes Bare Ass at Women in Target
Police arrested a man after they received a complaint of indecent exposure from a shopper at a local Target. The woman alleged that a man followed her around the store, “exposing his buttocks” and shaking them like a polaroid picture. (Why the surveillance vid is not yet on Youtube is disappointing to say the least.) Another shopper had made a similar complaint at a second Target earlier in the day.
When an officer saw a man fitting the description given, they interviewed him at police headquarters and finally arrested him. The 33 year-old was booked into the Oklahoma County jail on the complaints, but has not been formally charged in the case.
Court records showed that he pleaded guilty in ’99 to two counts of indecent exposure from an incident in 1998. Pretty emBARE-ASSing. Ah? Ah? Ahhhhh…
Masturbation Tips
In my search to diversify the sex-related content you’ve grown to know and love, I stumbled upon this morsel. The article is related to masturbation for men, but who can’t use a brush-up (and down) on hand job skills now and then? (Chill, ladies; tomorrow’s post will pussify your protests.) While the article had many good ideas, the best ones were:
- Switch hands or change positions – personally I can’t get the right friction with my left hand, but maybe I just don’t have the right equipment. I’ve heard good reviews about The Stranger.
- Simulate thrusts instead of using your hands to move up and down the shaft. While I appreciate this move saves you from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, it might not look that sexy. Therefore, NOT recommended during mutual masturbation.
- Different strokes – And not in a Gary Coleman kind of way. The article suggests rolling your penis in between your hands while moving them up and down the shaft or using long twisting strokes. Actually this just sounds kind of painful.
- Don’t neglect the rest of your genitals, try massaging the perineum (the area between the balls and the anus, AKA ‘the taint’). It’s also recommended you try sticking your finger in your ass (multi-taskers only).
- Toys – The piece urges you to consider using a vibrator, dildo, butt plug, cock ring or cock sleeve. Frankly, this just sounds gay, but whatevs, no judgement.
Happy playing!
For the complete article, click here.
Train Drags Mooner Half Naked Along Tracks
A man mooning the staff on a departing train got his pants caught in the train car door and ended up being dragged half naked along the platform, out of the station and onto the tracks.
The 22-year-old journalism student shoved his ass against the window of a double-decker train after staff forced him off since he hadn’t purchased a ticket. Pissed, he attempted the full mooning, but instead he ended up dangling by his pants and was dragged for 200 metres, (about 656 feet, you’re welcome America). Thankfully (for him) he was able to keep his legs away from the wheels of the train.
The incident ended when a passenger pulled the emergency brake and rescue services were called in, causing delays for 23 trains. The man/moron now faces charges of dangerous interference in rail transport, insulting the train staff, and a serious fine for the delays he caused.
