Naked Man in Gorilla Mask Assaults Jogger
Putting the ‘ass’ in ‘assault’, police are searching for a naked man in a gorilla mask who assaulted a woman jogging around a popular trail in British Columbia. When the man grabbed the victim she fought him off and ran, but the man pursued her until she was able to get to a phone and call authorities.
Police said that assaults like this are rare, but they did see similar attacks at the lake last year (and at the zoo.) Women are advised to avoid using the trails alone. The man continues to evade authorities since he was disguised, but the hunt is on for a skinny, middle-aged, Caucasian man (in a gorilla mask).
Nude Burglar Had Mouse in his Rectum
If you’re going to rob a private home, make sure you have A.) A disguise, B.) A weapon, C.) Removed all clothing, D.) A mouse up your ass. Police in South Carolina say a naked burglary suspect appeared to be on drugs and was found to have a mouse lodged in his rectum. Cops reported that they responded to a home on a report of a burglary and discovered the 31-year-old suspect lying naked, face down in the doorway of the home.
In order to obtain the suspect’s cooperation and remove him from the home, authorities employed the use of a taser to no effect More police were then called to the scene to confront the suspect who had moved to the victim’s bedroom. He was finally wrestled to the ground and placed in handcuffs and leg shackles.
Authorities reported that the suspect appeared to be under the influence of magic mushrooms and was taken to a nearby hospital, where an X-ray discovered a mouse in his rectum. The suspect stated that he could not remember the events leading to his arrest. Nevertheless, he was charged with resisting arrest, assault and battery, and indecent exposure. The mouse was held for questioning. Big shout out to @Jessmypet for sending along the story!
Next time your goofball friend offers to give you a free tattoo, don’t let him; especially when the two of you have been arguing. An amateur tattoo artist in Australia is now facing assault charges after applying a 40 cm penis on his friend’s back instead of a Yin/Yang and dragons, as requested.
A ‘peace offering’ following an argument the two had had, the art was accompanied by an ‘unspecified slogan‘ implying that the recipient is gay. (‘Unspecified slogan’ = ‘fag’?)
The young man went home to show off the new tat to his roommate, who responded with a resounding: ‘I don’t think it’s the tattoo you were after‘. The 21-year-old artist is due in court next month, charged with two counts of assault occasioning bodily harm.
The victim faces nine months of pain in order to have the tattoo removed by laser.. or else leaving the cock on his back to wither. (Note: Actual penis tattoo artwork not available.)
Boy Bullied Into Poop Penis Tattoo
In my day, nerds were just shoved into lockers, dumpsters, and the like. Well the times, they are a changin‘. Four teens are now facing charges after forcing a disabled boy down and tattooing his ass with the word ‘poop dick’, adding an illustration of a penis beneath it. The 14-year-old victim was often ridiculed at school because he once wore a Spider Man baseball cap. Since then he was often the target of mockery, which led up to the recent unpleasant incident.
Once cornered at a private home nearby, the bullies threatened to bash him if he tried to escape and insisted that “he was going to get tattooed whether he liked it or not“. They also promised that he’d no longer be teased at school if he agreed to get tattooed. Police later raided the home at which the inking was done and found the tattooing equipment. The teens have been charged with assault, endangering the welfare of a minor and tattooing without a license.
Naked Man on Mushrooms Hit By Train
A young man was arrested in connection with an incident during which he was running around naked and got hit by a slow-moving train. (As if being hit by a train wasn’t punishment enough.)
Authorities say that the 18-year-old suspect had eaten magic mushrooms prior to the incident. Police received a call on Saturday at 7:30 am by a woman who’d seen the man running around naked in the neighborhood, yelling to himself. The woman asked if the suspect was OK, to which he responded by screaming and cursing at the woman, who ran into her house and called police.
Police responding to the call met with several residents who had seen the naked display, but were unable to find the man. About a half hour later, police were notified that a train had struck a naked man in the area. The conductor reported that the train was traveling about 9 mph when he saw the man near the tracks. (Reminds me of this Austin Powers scene…)
The conductor then sounded the horn to warn the man, but the man got onto the tracks and walked directly toward the oncoming train. The conductor applied the brakes, but couldn’t stop before hitting the man, who disappeared from view following the contact. The conductor later discovered the man sitting under the third car of the train, but ran off before police and medical workers arrived.
The suspect was found a short time later and got into an altercation with police. He broke free after striking a deputy and ran into the woods screaming and cursing. The teenager was finally taken into custody, kicking and cursing the whole time, bleeding heavily and nursing a bad laceration on his forehead.
The suspect was taken to a local hospital, where he stayed until last night. He is being charged with indecent exposure, obstructing railroad operations, obstructing justice, trespassing on railroad property, being drunk in public (wait, mushrooms don’t make you drunk) and four counts of assault and battery on a police officer.
