Naked Man in Gorilla Mask Assaults Jogger
Putting the ‘ass’ in ‘assault’, police are searching for a naked man in a gorilla mask who assaulted a woman jogging around a popular trail in British Columbia. When the man grabbed the victim she fought him off and ran, but the man pursued her until she was able to get to a phone and call authorities.
Police said that assaults like this are rare, but they did see similar attacks at the lake last year (and at the zoo.) Women are advised to avoid using the trails alone. The man continues to evade authorities since he was disguised, but the hunt is on for a skinny, middle-aged, Caucasian man (in a gorilla mask).
Woman Bites Neighbor’s Testicles
On a not-so-beautiful day in the neighborhood, a man had his scrotum brutally bitten by a female neighbor. The 41-year-old Nigerian victim was attacked by two men and two women during a fight over eviction notices. According to the victim’s wife, the building landlord served eviction notices to all tenants, alleging that they had lived there for 13 years without paying rent.
Led by a female tenant, the angered tenants gathered together, blaming the problem on the victim. The landlord’s representatives tried to tell tenants that the eviction was an independent decision and that the victim had also been given notice to vacate the residence. All were encouraged to live out the remaining days of tenancy in peace.
After the meeting, everyone went back to their rooms, except one woman who stood in front of the couple’s room, barking insults. She then jumped the pregnant wife and hit her with a wooden plank, fists and buckets. The husband ran to help his wife, but two men held him down and the violent woman bit off two layers of his scrotum. Describing the pain as unbearable (as one might imagine), the man is expected to receive surgery on the injury in the days to come. (NOT the days to cum obvious reasons…) Note to self: Don’t fuck with Nigerian women.
No, this is not a new service that the police department has suddenly started offering. A 63-year old man was ordered to pay a police officer compensation for an assault that occurred at a local fireworks display. The man was agitated with the officer because traffic was blocked for almost two hours during the display.
He first began yelling at the cop and then grabbed his service-issued torch, trying to hit him with it. When that didn’t work he grabbed the cop’s balls and squeezed them. That worked.
During the trial, psychologist reports indicated that the cop suffered “mental or nervous shock” and on-going physical pain as a result of the attack and that “sitting on a motorbike remains uncomfortable for him“. The reason for the driver’s frustration was that at the time of the attack, the driver was being prevented from attending his wife’s birthday. He was ordered to pay $2,250 for “bruising” resulting from the attack and $15,000 for the “mental or nervous shock.”
Man Kicked in Groin Loses Testicle
A man who does not want to be identified (for obvious reasons) is down one testicle after a brunette in her 20s kicked him in the balls with her high heel.
The attack appears to have been unprovoked and random.
Medical records indicate that the force of the kick pushed one of the victim´s testicles into his abdomen!
He then had to undergo surgery to repair the damage, when doctors discovered that the testicle had ruptured and were forced to remove it.
(Ok, even I felt that and I don’t even have any testicles… anymore.)
Authorities stated that three such attacks have been reported in recent weeks.
Police also believe that there may be others victims of this woman who have not reported the attacks and are investigating further (and covering their testicles while doing so).
A man sought medical treatment after his genitals were bitten when forcing a man to perform oral sex. (Ladies, take notes!) A homeless drunk was loitering in a local park when he saw his 60-year-old target sleeping under a pavilion.
The homeless man woke the dozing gentleman and asked for money. When the man refused, the homeless man knocked him to the ground. The gentleman got up and walked to the park bathrooms, where the homeless man followed him inside, grabbed his head and forced him to perform oral sex on him. (How did he get his pants down so fast, I wonder).
The gentleman bit the homeless man’s genitals; drawing blood and causing him to flee for help at a police station nearby. Police then rushed him to a local hospital where he was given a tetanus shot and treated for his wounds; namely lacerations of the foreskin. The functions of his penis were not damaged (insert your sigh of relief here).
After questioning, the homeless man was turned over for prosecution on sexual harassment charges. ‘So exactly what were you doing when your penis was bitten?’ ‘Well, it all started this guy wouldn’t give me money and I knocked him on his ass…”
