Gumby Attacked; Kicked in Groin
Who takes one look at that lovable, green character and thinks, “I’m gonna kick him in the balls!” At least one person from Michigan. On a day that seemed innocent enough in Flint Township, a man dressed in a Gumby costume stood at the side of the road waving to passersby. One moment he was delighting children in the noonday sun, and the next minute he was curled up in fetal position cradling his family jewels.
In an unforgettable YouTube moment that Gumby would prefer to forget (and which I CANNOT find), he was attacked and kicked in the groin by another man. But it’s only thanks to that YouTube vid, that the drive by ball-kicker was located. The 28-year-old Gumby is an employee of a local costume store and was dressed up to draw patrons into the store for Halloween. He was only into his second or third hour as Gumby when he was approached from behind by a teen, who called for his attention, then kicked him in the groin.
Luckily, Gumby wasn’t badly hurt since the costume’s extra padding absorbed the blow (also since he’s made of clay). Police investigating the incident believed the perpetrator did this for a reason; probably to post a funny video online. Searching on YouTube, the officer found a video of the incident, which included the perp’s first name. It wasn’t difficult to further identify him by looking at vids posted by the same user. Police were soon able to find the suspect’s Facebook page and located him. He’s now being charged with misdemeanor assault. Additionally charges could be coming against the driver and cameraman. Pokey was not available for comment.
If you’ve ever been hit in the nuts, you know this is no laughing matter. Heck, I know that and I don’t even have balls (anymore). But to many high school students, nothing beats a good game of ‘sack tap‘. One 14-year-old had to learn this the hard way after having his right testicle removed from a groin punch while walking to class.
The doctor treating the victim noted that as a result of the increasingly popular game (thank you, Youtube), he’s had to perform three to four surgeries a year on boys with ruptured testicles or problems resulting from groin punches. The doctor added that dozens more come in with less severe injuries ranging from high school to elementary school students.
The victim’s family plans to move to a different school district since this was not an isolated incident. They are currently looking into filing criminal charges against the other student.
Unfortunately, nowadays bummer tents are few and far between. But if you are having a bad trip, you need a back up plan. Case in point: Last month police responded to a call from an ambulance at the residency of a man who had just castrated himself. When medical professionals and the cops inquired as to the whereabouts of the man’s balls, the 31-year-old let them know that he flushed them down the toilet, fearing that they contained “monsters”.
The man recounted that he was with several friends and had taken LSD when he began to experience negative feelings (AKA a bad trip). He was dropped off at his house when police were called at around 4:18 p.m. that day regarding his medical emergency. Conclusion: Find a buddy, people!
Who hasn’t looked at his automobile and thought, “You know what this car needs? A set of fake balls!” We all have. But if you live in the state of FL, your vehicular testicular enjoyment may be put to a screeching halt.
Lawmakers in The Sunshine State have voted to ban the fake bull testicles that dangle from trailer hitches on trucks and cars throughout the state, as pictured here.
Republican senators called the auto accessory ”offensive” and proposed the ban. (Shocker). Anyone rockin’ the faux balls, commonly known by brand names like “Truck Nutz“, would then receive a $60 fine.
Authorities are now debating whether or not the state should limit freedom of expression in car accessories. Critics of the ban include one particular Jacksonville Republican who had a pair his damn self until his wife objected. (Bitch.)
No, this is not a new service that the police department has suddenly started offering. A 63-year old man was ordered to pay a police officer compensation for an assault that occurred at a local fireworks display. The man was agitated with the officer because traffic was blocked for almost two hours during the display.
He first began yelling at the cop and then grabbed his service-issued torch, trying to hit him with it. When that didn’t work he grabbed the cop’s balls and squeezed them. That worked.
During the trial, psychologist reports indicated that the cop suffered “mental or nervous shock” and on-going physical pain as a result of the attack and that “sitting on a motorbike remains uncomfortable for him“. The reason for the driver’s frustration was that at the time of the attack, the driver was being prevented from attending his wife’s birthday. He was ordered to pay $2,250 for “bruising” resulting from the attack and $15,000 for the “mental or nervous shock.”
