“Do you want whip cream with that?” A NYC local who calls himself Mister PeePee sure does. He has one mission: to jack off in every Starbucks bathroom in NYC. He even recorded a podcast describing the task at hand (literally). After each of conquests, he rates the results.
After a visit to the bathroom, Mister PeePee posts tweets like, “Today’s Starbucks visit is rated as a 4 Boner. Spacious, clean, excellent coffee, strong WIFI, no interruptions & 1 hot chick.” He stated, “I’ve got to rate the bathroom on cleanliness, and note if a person knocked on the door and interrupted me.”
A Starbucks employee commented, “For everyone one of him who decides to mention it, think of how many don’t. We have one regular who comes in for about an hour a day and stares and studies the baristas working. Even takes pictures (it certainly seems) with his phone. Can’t really say anything though since he’s a cop. ”
The good news is that Mister PeePee is NOT one of the baristas…
In quite possibly the funniest lawsuit evs, a mother from Utah (U-tah, I-tah, we all tah for… Mormons?) photoshopped an image of a woman having sex with a dog and superimposed the face of a 13-year-old girl who attends middle school with her daughter onto the photo. Accused of creating fliers of the image (with derogatory comments directed toward the girl), and distributing them at the middle school where the girls attend, the woman is now facing 18 counts of sexual exploitation of a minor.
Authorities report that surveillance footage showed the woman entering the school’s 7th-grade girls’ bathroom on the second to last day of classes. A custodian found the fliers and immediately contacted local authorities. The woman admitted to making 30 fliers, however police were only able to recover 18 of them. In addition to leaving the fliers in the bathroom, she also left a bunch in several students’ lockers. The woman stated that the victim had ‘wronged’ her in some way. (Perhaps by fucking her dog?)
A man sought medical treatment after his genitals were bitten when forcing a man to perform oral sex. (Ladies, take notes!) A homeless drunk was loitering in a local park when he saw his 60-year-old target sleeping under a pavilion.
The homeless man woke the dozing gentleman and asked for money. When the man refused, the homeless man knocked him to the ground. The gentleman got up and walked to the park bathrooms, where the homeless man followed him inside, grabbed his head and forced him to perform oral sex on him. (How did he get his pants down so fast, I wonder).
The gentleman bit the homeless man’s genitals; drawing blood and causing him to flee for help at a police station nearby. Police then rushed him to a local hospital where he was given a tetanus shot and treated for his wounds; namely lacerations of the foreskin. The functions of his penis were not damaged (insert your sigh of relief here).
After questioning, the homeless man was turned over for prosecution on sexual harassment charges. ‘So exactly what were you doing when your penis was bitten?’ ‘Well, it all started this guy wouldn’t give me money and I knocked him on his ass…”
Teens Filmed Sex Act Fearing Doomsday Device
At least 3 high school students are under investigation after allegedly filming sex acts that occurred when some students falsely assumed that the Large Hadron Collider was about to end the world.
The event occurred after the launch of the particle accelerator ring, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), which some have lovingly dubbed a “doomsday device”. The two students who engaged in intercourse were 13 and 15 and performed the sex acts in the bathroom during school hours several months ago.
Sources say that the girl wanted to lose her virginity before the world ended (yea, my dad wouldn’t buy that one either). Another student filmed the act on his cell phone without the girl’s knowledge and circulated it around the school and the wider community.
Police warn that those responsible for recording and distributing the footage could be charged with producing child porn, (though doubtful given the ages of the teens). Police went on to say that it’s not the first time they’ve investigated cases involving students producing sex videos, which have been circulated via text or the web. (Well, no shit.)
