Dog Bites Off Man’s Penis
Knock knock. Who’s there? Jamaican. Jamaican who? Jamaican me sterile. A Jamaican man lost his penis when a vicious dog bit it off. The 45-year-old broom-maker (yes there are people who actually do that for a living) was rushed to the hospital where he was treated and released after a friend’s mongrel dog attacked him.
In an interview with local press, the dog’s owner (who apparently speaks very broken English) commented, “When the dog grab on to his penis, he was trying to push off di dog but di dog dragged it and run off with it and drop di piece that him bite off. When wi wake up di next day, dem did a look for it but it seems like ants or something like dat must gone with it“.
Since the attack, the man was heard telling someone about his bandaged penis, “Look how it likkle and a eight stitches hold in deh.” (I think that means it’s really small now, like, Irishman small…)
Man’s Penis Bitten by Snake While On Toilet
Ever get the fear that something is lurking in your plumbing whilst you reign from your throne? Your fear may become a reality… A man in China was bitten on his penis by a snake when he was sitting on the toilet.
In a story published by the China Times, the 51-year-old man from Taiwan sat down to do his business when he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and immediately stood up. When he looked down, he spotted a big snake (and it wasn’t his dick).
Medical staff at a local hospital said the man received only minor injuries and would be released as soon as he has passed the risk of infection.
The facility’s medical director stated, “A snake’s mouth isn’t always clean.” (Theirs aren’t the only ones!) Local television reports showed a black and yellow reptile, a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and removed from the toilet. (What the hell did that crazy Chinaman eat?) Turns out the rat snake was inspired by the @BronxZoosCobra, his elusive cousin.
A snake after milk or revenge got more than he bargained for after biting a model’s augmented breast. (Scary looking) Israeli model Orit Fox was on Spanish TV’s Telecino handling the snake and decided to tongue it.
The snake, obviously not into blondes with fake boobs, latched onto her left breast. The model was taken to the hospital for medical treatment where she received a tetanus shot. The snake died.
To watch the scene unravel, click here.
Man Bites Friend’s Penis Off in Argument
Next time a crazy friend asks to borrow your trailer, let him; especially if he has sharp teeth. A 53-year old Polish man was attacked by his friend after an argument over a trailer.
After refusing to allow his friend to borrow the vehicle, the ‘friend’ began to hit the man with a chain. The victim continued that his assailant then “pulled down my trousers and started biting. It was agony.”
Medical professional and police were unable to find the missing penis and have since surmised that the attacker may have swallowed it. (Insert vomit here.) One doctor commented, “If we’d had the other bit of his penis we could have sewn it back on.”
Seems like the perp left doctors AND the victim stumped (womp womp womp – muted trumpet soundbyte.) The suspect is now facing 10 years in jail.
Woman Bites Neighbor’s Testicles
On a not-so-beautiful day in the neighborhood, a man had his scrotum brutally bitten by a female neighbor. The 41-year-old Nigerian victim was attacked by two men and two women during a fight over eviction notices. According to the victim’s wife, the building landlord served eviction notices to all tenants, alleging that they had lived there for 13 years without paying rent.
Led by a female tenant, the angered tenants gathered together, blaming the problem on the victim. The landlord’s representatives tried to tell tenants that the eviction was an independent decision and that the victim had also been given notice to vacate the residence. All were encouraged to live out the remaining days of tenancy in peace.
After the meeting, everyone went back to their rooms, except one woman who stood in front of the couple’s room, barking insults. She then jumped the pregnant wife and hit her with a wooden plank, fists and buckets. The husband ran to help his wife, but two men held him down and the violent woman bit off two layers of his scrotum. Describing the pain as unbearable (as one might imagine), the man is expected to receive surgery on the injury in the days to come. (NOT the days to cum obvious reasons…) Note to self: Don’t fuck with Nigerian women.
Pig Attacks Man’s Penis
One good pork deserves another… A Jamaican man is now recovering after being hospitalized for a week when a large pig bit him on the penis. (Some pig!) The man was in the pig pen considering which of his swine was to be sold. Deliberating, he held the head of one of the pigs right near his dick, which the pig then bit… twice. Residents commented that they don’t know why the pig got so violent. “Dats why some people are against eating pork as hog eat anything it ketch,” stated a (not so articulate) neighbor.
Spider Bites Man in the Penis
Next time your penis enlargement procedure fails, why not try a spider bite? A Canadian tourist is lucky to be alive after a deadly spider bit him on the penis. The man had been skinny-dipping in New Zealand, leaving his shorts on the beach. As he swam, a katipo spider crawled into his abandoned shorts. When the tourist returned to the beach and put his shorts back on, the trapped spider then bit the man on the dick while he napped.
Within minutes, venom caused the 22-year-old’s heart to race, in addition to severe chest pains, high blood pressure and extreme swelling to his penis. The man awoke to find his penis painfully swollen, with a red mark on the shaft indicating a bite. His condition improved immediately after being hospitalized and treated with an anti-venom. He remained in the hospital for 16 days before finally being released. The doctor treating him commented, ”It was a rather nasty, ill-placed bite”. (I’d say). The culprit, the kitapo spider, is an endangered species. I still think a telephone call was in order the day after his intimate love-bite…
Raccoon Bites Sex Attacker’s Penis Off
Next time you look to a raccoon to warm your extremities, look again. One 44-year-old Russian man told hospital workers in Moscow, “When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun.”
And by fun, he of course meant warming his dick in parts of the raccoon’s anatomy.
Naturally, the raccoon turned right around and bit off a sizable chuck his attacker’s junk.
Medics are tying to sew it back on but comment that it’s probably gone for good.
Somehow the rabies question was never brought up, but I guess it’s obviously a secondary concern considering the circumcision – er, circumstances.
The raccoon was unavailable for comment.
A woman from Shalimar (and not Jody Watley) claims that she accidentally sent out a pic of her vagina in a chat room, started tripping, bit her boyfriend and then knifed him. (First of all, how does one accidentally send out a picture of one’s genitalia? “Whoops, I sent you a picture of my vagina by mistake!) Her boyfriend of 7 years said that he found out his girlfriend had multiple provocative messages from other men in a chat room. Looking at the outgoing messages, he discovered one which contained the photo of his girlfriend’s vajayjay. (He would recognize that smile anywhere.)
The boyfriend then confronted his girlfriend and said that she ”started tripping“, stating that she hadn’t meant to send out a vaj shot. She convinced him that it had been an accident and he tried to be supported and attempted to hug her. However, in response, she bit him in the shoulder, scratched him and grabbed a large kitchen knife and cut his arm. (One bad f’ing trip.) He had a large bloody bite mark on his shoulder, multiple scratches and a small laceration on his left arm. The woman admitted to biting her boyfriend, but insists that they were “just playing.” (Playing Twilight?) The 31-year-old was charged with battery and aggravated battery using a deadly weapon and is due in court in May.
A man sought medical treatment after his genitals were bitten when forcing a man to perform oral sex. (Ladies, take notes!) A homeless drunk was loitering in a local park when he saw his 60-year-old target sleeping under a pavilion.
The homeless man woke the dozing gentleman and asked for money. When the man refused, the homeless man knocked him to the ground. The gentleman got up and walked to the park bathrooms, where the homeless man followed him inside, grabbed his head and forced him to perform oral sex on him. (How did he get his pants down so fast, I wonder).
The gentleman bit the homeless man’s genitals; drawing blood and causing him to flee for help at a police station nearby. Police then rushed him to a local hospital where he was given a tetanus shot and treated for his wounds; namely lacerations of the foreskin. The functions of his penis were not damaged (insert your sigh of relief here).
After questioning, the homeless man was turned over for prosecution on sexual harassment charges. ‘So exactly what were you doing when your penis was bitten?’ ‘Well, it all started this guy wouldn’t give me money and I knocked him on his ass…”
