Naked Woman Steals Taxi Cab
If you live in Brooklyn, you already know how hard it can be to get a cab to take you where you want to go. No one knows this better one Louisiana woman. The woman asked the driver to take her all the way to Michigan, over a thousand miles away, which he refused to do. (Not that anyone blames him.)
In response to this, she attempted to convince him by taking off all of her clothes. (Which seems like it should have worked.) Still, no dice. Despite the driver’s repeated requests that she dress, the woman ignored him.
Unsure of how to handle the situation, the cabbie drove to the nearest police station and went inside to seek help. At this point the woman took off in the cab (presumably to MI). Cops caught up with her about a block away and forcibly removed the drunk woman from it. The woman was jailed for a few days but released on a $75 signature bond.
$800 Fine for Penis Graffiti on Gay Home
Sadly, the headline to this story is much more entertaining than the facts. A man admitted to painting a florescent green penis on Gunns‘ chairman, John Gay’s property last year. The 21-year-old had been drinking with a friend (shocker) when the pair decided to buy some paint from Kmart in October. One painted the green penis on Gay’s fence while the other let off a smoke bomb on Gay’s doorstep. Disappointingly, the house was not gay, as I had initially thought by the headline.
Yesterday the painter pleaded guilty to one count of injuring property. His lawyer told the court his client’s actions constituted nothing more than “drunken tomfoolery” and that ”in the sober, cold light of day, (he) realized it was not very funny at all,” which I highly doubt since I’m not drunk but still had a good laugh… (PS. Picture shown here not actual graffiti from case, but so damn good I had to include…)
Man Crawls Naked Into Wrong Woman’s Bed
A 20-year-old man (well, hardly a man) from Boulder, CO, was arrested after police said he crawled naked into a woman’s bed and refused to cooperate with officers responding to the complaint.
The woman called the cops at around 4:30 a.m. Sunday to report that an unknown man had crawled into bed with her while she slept. The woman bounced out of bed and ran into a roommate’s room to phone authorities.
Turns out that the guy had come home from a party with another roommate and wandered into the wrong room by mistake. Drunk (shockingly) the man refused to cooperate with officers when they ordered him to come out of the bedroom.
He eventually complied once threatened with a Taser. The woman didn’t file charges in light of the drunken mistake. And that’s why I live alone.
Quite possibly the biggest schmuck on the planet, a man bashed and choked his girlfriend until she blacked out when she tried to engage him in a threesome. The woman brought along a female friend on a camping trip, during which she confessed to her boyfriend that she was bisexual. She even supplied the party with alcohol to make him “more receptive” to the notion of a threesome. (Because most men need to be persuaded to have sex with two women at once, right?)
But just as things started getting good and the two girls became more involved with each other, homeboy decided to bounce. He stormed off in his car and quickly and drunkenly crashed into bushes. His girlfriend ran after him and attempted to take the car keys from him. At this point, the drama was unfolding in front of many other campers. As his girlfriend grabbed at the keys, the man slapped her and shoved her to the ground.
The girlfriend then tried to run off, but the man punched her in the head, chest and back before choking her until she blacked out. She suffered bruising and a sore neck but recovered, while her stupid and shady boyfriend spent the night and next day in jail. He pled guilty to two counts of assault and received a three-month jail sentence, suspended on condition of good behaviour for two years. You would think that this would be the end of their relationship, but actually, sources report that the couple has since become engaged. (Congrats, Ike Turner.)
Have you ever had the urge to smack someone in the head with your dick? If so, you’ll be able to relate to a certain Lithuanian who was fined roughly $925 for attempting to assault a policewoman with his penis. The 28-year-old engineer tried to dick slap the officer in the head when she responded to a complaint filed by his girlfriend.
The officer had sat down on the couch inside the residence to take the complaint when the man exposed himself and thrust his penis toward her. Sadly, the officer managed to duck out of the way. The man admitted to having been drunk at the time of the incident (obvi). Personally, I’d have paid top dollar to obtain footage of the encounter.
Two inebriated morons put on a live sex show in the middle of the day in the parking lot of a police station.
The pair was so engrossed in the dirty deed that they didn’t notice the public and cops watching.
After being pulled apart (not dismembered, just separated), the woman claimed that her gentleman lover was not her type (mainly since she has a live-in girlfriend; interesting way of showing her sexual preference, by the way).
After their admission of guilt, (frankly I don’t see how this could be denied after the public spectacle) both have been fined over $300 for a sexual breach of the peace (a law I definitely need to know more about).
Drunk Awakes to New Penis Tattoo
A man awoke after drinking an entire bottle of vodka to discover his leg newly tattooed with a six inch penis, complete with 4 testicles. (Only 6 inches? What a gyp.) The 27 year old from Sweden stated that the last thing he remembers about the evening was leaving his apartment.
Friends helped fill in the blanks and reported that after hitting a nightspot, the group headed to a local hamburger joint, where the man slurred that he would like to get himself a drunken tattoo.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the booth, a tattoo artist heard his wish and immediately expressed an interest in granting it, provided that he was given full creative control to express himself on the drunken man’s limb. Once sober, the man said he was initially worried what his mother would think, and that he “hadn’t bathed in public at all this summer”. (It would seem to me that the tattoo pales in comparison to public bathing, but whatevs.)
Naked Drunk Crashes in Wrong Hotel Room
One man’s night of drinking ended with him being escorted from a Sydney hotel in a dressing gown after he passed out in the wrong room completely naked. Oddly enough, the man did not represent any fraternity. The 29 year old ‘Drunky Brewster‘ stumbled into the wrong hotel room and crashed on a couple’s bed Saturday morning. The woman occupying the room at the time hid in the hotel bathroom until a hotel concierge was able to wake the man, cover him in a dressing gown, and escort him out of the hotel.
A local official called to the scene noted that the man was utterly surprised when he was wakened to find himself butt-ass naked (it’s an industry term) with two people in ‘his’ room. He told police he had been brought to the hotel by a woman but wandered out of her room at some point into the hallway stark raving naked and into the unsuspecting couple’s room where he passed out. The couple called hotel reception and waited for staff to arrive. No charges have been filed since, as the officer stated, “It was far too funny.” PS: Worst walk of shame EVER!
Cops: Nude, drunk was hard to bring down
It took 10 police officers to restrain a drunk, naked Lebanese man at a campground over the weekend in Noblesville, IN. (PS this has the makings of some seriously fantastic sketch comedy.) The local sheriff’s department stated that officers were called to the campground just after 3 am Sunday morning on reports of a “drunk, belligerent, naked man starting several fights there“. (That narrows it down… to all of the male guests on Jerry Springer.)
Arriving at the scene, police were exiting their vehicles when the unclothed, agitated and evidently injured man charged at them. (They must have been wearing red instead of blue.) The man continued to resist arrest even as a police dog bit him repeatedly and he was hit several times with a stun gun. At length he was successfully sedated and handcuffed. (Tough little f*cker!)
Police believe the man was reacting to a combination of alcohol, cocaine, PCP and magic mushrooms. (Oh, crazy little f*cker…) He was taken to a nearby hospital and later charged with disorderly conduct, resisting law enforcement, criminal mischief and striking or interfering with law enforcement.
The only question that remains: Is the guy fat? Cuz I’m going to need a little more direction casting the skit…
