Caution all drug users: Controlled substances may result in delusions of grandeur; particularly with regard to your penis size. One Floridian man can vouch for this after being arrested for exposing his self-promoted “biggest penis in the world” to a mixed crowd of adults and children… several times.
According to police, the man approached a group of kids and asked, “Have you ever seen the biggest penis in the world?” Then “he took it out“ and the kids bolted. He did this a few times before returning to his apartment. Cops found him in his abode surrounded by dog shit and cocaine (perfect together). He’s been charged with two counts of exposure of sexual organs (his twig and berries), and possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. He is being held on $32,000 bail.
Who hasn’t looked at his automobile and thought, “You know what this car needs? A set of fake balls!” We all have. But if you live in the state of FL, your vehicular testicular enjoyment may be put to a screeching halt.
Lawmakers in The Sunshine State have voted to ban the fake bull testicles that dangle from trailer hitches on trucks and cars throughout the state, as pictured here.
Republican senators called the auto accessory ”offensive” and proposed the ban. (Shocker). Anyone rockin’ the faux balls, commonly known by brand names like “Truck Nutz“, would then receive a $60 fine.
Authorities are now debating whether or not the state should limit freedom of expression in car accessories. Critics of the ban include one particular Jacksonville Republican who had a pair his damn self until his wife objected. (Bitch.)
Teacher Fired for Drawing Phallic Florida
Seems like teachers everywhere are causing controversy. After reading the story discussed in yesterday’s post, it was clear why the homework raised eyebrows all over. However, the incident in question today is no less than retardo (it’s an industry term).
A middle school teacher was fired after drawing a map of the United States which featured Florida as a fat, penis-shaped state (which it is). He then made a remark about the state being excited. Apparently that was enough to get him canned. The district fired him for the comment, insisting he created a sexually hostile environment. (Exactly what was he doing with the lewd drawing of the state?)
To no surprise the students rallied on Facebook, starting a page to support their teacher. They’ve also started a petition to dump the school’s principal, superintendent and cabinet. The teacher has stated that he’ll be appeal his firing (not to mention refraining from drawing state maps freehand).
Homeless Man Charged With Indecent Exposure
A homeless man was arrested Saturday after authorities say he was seated outside a Laundromat wearing a jeans jacket around his waste, but no pants. When questioned, the man claimed his pants were inside being washed.
One witness told police that she walking out of the gas station next door when she passed the man, who lifted one leg as she walked by, exposing his genitalia to her. The man from East Naples (more like east nipples) was arrested for indecent exposure in public, trespassing, having an open container of alcohol in a public area and resisting an officer without violence.
Police are charging a man of Jensen Beach, Florida for possession of child pornography; finding more than 1,000 images on his personal computer.
In response to the allegations, the man told police he was only downloading music and had left the room when his cat jumped on the keyboard.
He stated that when he returned “strange things” appeared on the screen. (Even stranger, he saved them to jerk off to later, apparently.)
The man is being held in a local county jail on $250,000 bail. No charges have been filed against the cat, who is being detained for questioning but denies the accusations of having downloaded ‘kitty porn’.
Waiving his right to remain silent, in an interview with local news, the cat had this to say, “MEOOOOW”. No word from the prosecution attorney on whether his statement will be used as evidence in the pending case.
Fireman Burns Down Apt During ‘Hot’ Sex
In an ironic twist of fate, a retired fireman accidentally set fire to his own residence in a fit of passion when throwing a cigarette as he made love to his spouse. The 63 year old man said that he and his 56-year-old wife were in mid dirty deed when flames forced them to run naked from their Miami apartment. The man shamefully reflected on the 37 years he spent as a fireman discussing the dangers of smoking in bed, as he desperately attempted to put out the blaze.
His wife noted that, ”After three or four pans of water it kept getting worse. I didn’t have any baking soda so I grabbed some mashed potatoes, and then I grabbed some bread crumbs and it was starting to get better but by then the smoke was so bad you couldn’t see.“ The man was able to pull his wife to safety before her lungs collapsed and they were given clothes once they managed to escape the fire.
On the bright side, the wife is taking bids for her new recipe for smoke-flavored mashed potatoes with toasted breadcrumbs. Currently the highest bidder is Burger King (home of the flame-broiled Whopper, the result of a similar incident…)
Man Fired for Marrying Porn Star
A South Floridian municipal worker was fired recently at an emergency town meeting after the mayor and council members learned of his marriage to porn star, Jazella Moore. The town council voted in a unanimous decision to terminate the man, though he alleged ignorance of his wife’s fame until that very afternoon. Regardless, the elected officials took the action to remove him from office a few hours later.
The mayor indicated that a clause in the man’s contract permitted the council to fire him with a majority vote and that he’ll now receive a severance package worth six months salary, plus health benefits (a lot more than I got when I was laid off and I never slept with a porn star [yet]).
In response to the case, a local councilman stated that the man was fired because his wife’s profession brought an inaccurate image to their area of Fort Myers Beach. The man refused to comment on any possible legal action against the town.
