Man Charged with Making Genitals Disappear
A Nigerian court has ordered a 48-year-old man to reappear on allegations of “making some persons’ genitals disappear“. (I seriously need this guy’s email… also the whereabouts of a few exes.) The suspect plead ‘not guilty‘ to allegations of causing the disappearance of genitals in four men from Damongo. Police reported that the men’s genitals were intact, but appeared to have mysteriously shrunk; unable to erect. The victims have been ordered to see a urologist at the local hospital.
One of the victims, an errand boy, testified (emphasis on testi) that he spent the night with the suspect and awoke at midnight to find his guest fondling his penis, chanting incantations. In the morning, the victim found that his penis had been drastically reduced in size and he could not achieve an erection. He reported the incident to police, leading to the suspect’s arrest. Three other men then came forward (pun intended), complaining of the same. This is apparently not the first time reports of allegedly missing genitals in parts of the country were received. Your penis has been sufficiently warned: Stay away from Nigerian witchdoctors who fondle at midnight.
Masturbation Tips
In my search to diversify the sex-related content you’ve grown to know and love, I stumbled upon this morsel. The article is related to masturbation for men, but who can’t use a brush-up (and down) on hand job skills now and then? (Chill, ladies; tomorrow’s post will pussify your protests.) While the article had many good ideas, the best ones were:
- Switch hands or change positions – personally I can’t get the right friction with my left hand, but maybe I just don’t have the right equipment. I’ve heard good reviews about The Stranger.
- Simulate thrusts instead of using your hands to move up and down the shaft. While I appreciate this move saves you from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, it might not look that sexy. Therefore, NOT recommended during mutual masturbation.
- Different strokes – And not in a Gary Coleman kind of way. The article suggests rolling your penis in between your hands while moving them up and down the shaft or using long twisting strokes. Actually this just sounds kind of painful.
- Don’t neglect the rest of your genitals, try massaging the perineum (the area between the balls and the anus, AKA ‘the taint’). It’s also recommended you try sticking your finger in your ass (multi-taskers only).
- Toys – The piece urges you to consider using a vibrator, dildo, butt plug, cock ring or cock sleeve. Frankly, this just sounds gay, but whatevs, no judgement.
Happy playing!
For the complete article, click here.
A man sought medical treatment after his genitals were bitten when forcing a man to perform oral sex. (Ladies, take notes!) A homeless drunk was loitering in a local park when he saw his 60-year-old target sleeping under a pavilion.
The homeless man woke the dozing gentleman and asked for money. When the man refused, the homeless man knocked him to the ground. The gentleman got up and walked to the park bathrooms, where the homeless man followed him inside, grabbed his head and forced him to perform oral sex on him. (How did he get his pants down so fast, I wonder).
The gentleman bit the homeless man’s genitals; drawing blood and causing him to flee for help at a police station nearby. Police then rushed him to a local hospital where he was given a tetanus shot and treated for his wounds; namely lacerations of the foreskin. The functions of his penis were not damaged (insert your sigh of relief here).
After questioning, the homeless man was turned over for prosecution on sexual harassment charges. ‘So exactly what were you doing when your penis was bitten?’ ‘Well, it all started this guy wouldn’t give me money and I knocked him on his ass…”
