Dog Bites Off Man’s Penis
Knock knock. Who’s there? Jamaican. Jamaican who? Jamaican me sterile. A Jamaican man lost his penis when a vicious dog bit it off. The 45-year-old broom-maker (yes there are people who actually do that for a living) was rushed to the hospital where he was treated and released after a friend’s mongrel dog attacked him.
In an interview with local press, the dog’s owner (who apparently speaks very broken English) commented, “When the dog grab on to his penis, he was trying to push off di dog but di dog dragged it and run off with it and drop di piece that him bite off. When wi wake up di next day, dem did a look for it but it seems like ants or something like dat must gone with it“.
Since the attack, the man was heard telling someone about his bandaged penis, “Look how it likkle and a eight stitches hold in deh.” (I think that means it’s really small now, like, Irishman small…)
There’s a reason why there’s no Do-It-Yourself sex change kit at Home Depot… and no one knows this better than one man from Derbyshire, UK. He’s recovering after cutting off his testicles and throwing them into a local park (now a ball park? See Spot run; after severed, bloody testicles).
The 22-year-old is believed to have attempted castrating himself to change his sex. Almost 24 hours after his home surgery, he told hospital staff that he felt “a lot less pain” than expected. When asked why he didn’t complete the procedure on himself, the man replied that he didn’t have the balls. (Ok, I MAY have added that last bit.) The man was given stitches and offered psychiatric help. PS: Most women I know have bigger balls than the majority of men. #justsayin
Naked Woman Falls Through Roof During Sex
If you’re worried about your next roll in the hay ending with a bang, just try fucking on the rooftop. A woman from Aberdeen crashed naked through a roof while having sex with her boyfriend. According to sources, the pair smashed through a window on the third floor and stripped when they reached the roof of the Bridge Street flats.
A building worker in an empty shop below commented, “They made a hell of a racket. They put me off my work.” (Listening to people fucking often does – sounds like it was a good time, minus crashing through the roof).
The rooftop romp ended in tears when the woman fell through the roof 60 feet. The police, ambulance and fire brigade were called to the scene, though fortunately the woman suffered only minor injuries despite the fall. She was released after being checked out at a local hospital. Oddly enough, weathermen in the area had predicted that it would rain naked bitches that very same day…
Eel Crawls Up Fishmonger’s Ass
Ever get that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling? It may be that a live eel is scrambling through your bung hole… A Chinese fishmonger suffered severe internal injuries after an eel crawled up his ass when he slipped and fell off the edge of a container housing hundreds of fish.
The 43-year-old stated, ”I guess they were scared when I suddenly landed in the tank so they started wriggling everywhere. Several shot up my trouser leg. And then to my horror I felt one go up my bottom.”
The man attempted to continue with his work, but was in too much pain to do so. Emergency medical professionals were contacted when he later collapsed. Doctors were able to remove the eel in a surgical procedure which lasted five hours. A spokesperson for the hospital noted that, “the eel was as wide as two fingers and as long as a man’s arm.” So, uh, hintedy, hint-hint.
Pig Attacks Man’s Penis
One good pork deserves another… A Jamaican man is now recovering after being hospitalized for a week when a large pig bit him on the penis. (Some pig!) The man was in the pig pen considering which of his swine was to be sold. Deliberating, he held the head of one of the pigs right near his dick, which the pig then bit… twice. Residents commented that they don’t know why the pig got so violent. “Dats why some people are against eating pork as hog eat anything it ketch,” stated a (not so articulate) neighbor.
Raccoon Bites Sex Attacker’s Penis Off
Next time you look to a raccoon to warm your extremities, look again. One 44-year-old Russian man told hospital workers in Moscow, “When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun.”
And by fun, he of course meant warming his dick in parts of the raccoon’s anatomy.
Naturally, the raccoon turned right around and bit off a sizable chuck his attacker’s junk.
Medics are tying to sew it back on but comment that it’s probably gone for good.
Somehow the rabies question was never brought up, but I guess it’s obviously a secondary concern considering the circumcision – er, circumstances.
The raccoon was unavailable for comment.
Vibrator Part Left in Woman’s Vagina
How do you know it’s time to sunset a romance? If your boyfriend shoves foreign electronics up your vajayjay, that’s a pretty good sign. A Taiwanese woman recently filed a police report against her boyfriend after he forced a vibrator into her vagina without her consent. The boyfriend, a medical student in his 30s (what a great doctor he’ll make), somehow didn’t notice that a part of the vibrator had broken off inside his girlfriend.
The woman was informed of the broken piece after seeking medical attention for vaginal pain and doctors took the X-ray pictured here. Apparently the couple was having sex when the man took out a vibrator and put it into his girlfriend’s vagina without her knowing. (Not really sure how he was able to stick a vibrator and his dick into her simultaneously; or even more incredulous, how it was that she didn’t notice…) She immediately complained of pain and he quickly removed the vibrator and hid it.
Unfortunately he didn’t notice that part of the vibrator had broken off and was left in her vagina. After three days of vaginal pain, the woman went to the hospital and was shocked when doctors reported that a half oval-shaped object was discovered lodged in her vagina.
Naked Man on Mushrooms Hit By Train
A young man was arrested in connection with an incident during which he was running around naked and got hit by a slow-moving train. (As if being hit by a train wasn’t punishment enough.)
Authorities say that the 18-year-old suspect had eaten magic mushrooms prior to the incident. Police received a call on Saturday at 7:30 am by a woman who’d seen the man running around naked in the neighborhood, yelling to himself. The woman asked if the suspect was OK, to which he responded by screaming and cursing at the woman, who ran into her house and called police.
Police responding to the call met with several residents who had seen the naked display, but were unable to find the man. About a half hour later, police were notified that a train had struck a naked man in the area. The conductor reported that the train was traveling about 9 mph when he saw the man near the tracks. (Reminds me of this Austin Powers scene…)
The conductor then sounded the horn to warn the man, but the man got onto the tracks and walked directly toward the oncoming train. The conductor applied the brakes, but couldn’t stop before hitting the man, who disappeared from view following the contact. The conductor later discovered the man sitting under the third car of the train, but ran off before police and medical workers arrived.
The suspect was found a short time later and got into an altercation with police. He broke free after striking a deputy and ran into the woods screaming and cursing. The teenager was finally taken into custody, kicking and cursing the whole time, bleeding heavily and nursing a bad laceration on his forehead.
The suspect was taken to a local hospital, where he stayed until last night. He is being charged with indecent exposure, obstructing railroad operations, obstructing justice, trespassing on railroad property, being drunk in public (wait, mushrooms don’t make you drunk) and four counts of assault and battery on a police officer.
Things went terribly wrong for a former Jehovah’s Witness when he circumcised his four-year-old son at home with a razor blade and blood coagulant meant for horses. The man initially became interested in circumcision after reading books by some crackpot religious fanatic who advocates it (and who also claims that there are Biblical answers to “all of the problems in society, including the number of abortions and homosexuals, and the national debt.” Someone should really let Obama know…)
After hearing a radio show on circumcision, the man decided to circumcise himself using a razor, Band-Aids, peroxide, a roll of gauze and a clear plastic ring that he believed would act as an anesthetic. The home surgery resulted in bleeding of his foreskin in nine places, which doctors sutured at hospital; his penis became infected. Apparently his own experience didn’t deter him from practicing his new trade. While at the hospital, he asked doctors about the procedure since it was not possible at the time of his son’s birth due to his small size. Doctors advised against circumcising a four-year-old boy and refused to help him.
Disregarding the medical professionals’ advice, he bought a blood coagulant used for horses because it was cheaper than that for humans. He told his son that the procedure might hurt a bit but not for long, and that it would grant him “extra special protection from God“, allowing him to eat Passover lamb, ice cream and pick all the movies he wanted for a week. He also said told his son that it would be difficult to stay together as a family if the boy didn’t agree to be circumcised.
He then gave his son a teacup of homemade honey wine with eight to 12 percent alcohol. When the man’s hand slipped during the pseudo-circumcision he used paper towels and the veterinary blood coagulant but the poor boy still had to go to hospital. Among numerous problems that occurred: The blades the man used were neither sharp nor sterile. The kitchen cutting board under the boy’s penis could have been covered with bacteria from food. The veterinary coagulant was inappropriate and could have led to bleeding, infection and necrosis.
To no surprise, the man was found guilty of negligence causing bodily harm. My question: What the hell was his wife doing while he mutilated their son???
A paramedic accused of having oral sex while on duty claims he was only trying to comfort a sobbing woman. (Not sure exactly how that comforts her.) The (married) man was caught on video surveillance in the passenger seat of the woman’s car with her head in his lap in a hospital parking lot in South London.
The paramedic denied the allegations at a practice hearing and insists that no sexual activity took place during the incident. The woman commented, but her statement was unintelligible being that she had a c*ck rammed down her throat.
