Computer Found with Images of Gorilla Porn
Some people like Asian porn, some like child porn, and of course, some like seeing human beings fuck a gorilla… Police got more than they bargained for when they seized a computer for forensic analysis and stumbled on images of “a person performing an act of intercourse with a live gorilla”. (As a opposed to a dead gorilla, naturally.)
The 32-year-old man who owned the computer was arrested when officers raided his home in Northampton, UK and took his computer. In addition to the gorilla porn, they found other pictures involving animals as well as thousands of images of children being sexually abused.
The man plead guilty to 12 charges of making and possessing 34,909 indecent images of children and well as 50 pictures of extreme pornography showing bestiality with a gorilla and a dog. He was also required to sign the sex offenders’ list before leaving court. For more on this story, click here.
Police say a Judge from the aptly named Intercourse hollowed out acorns, placed condoms inside, put the tops back on and randomly handed them out. Two female recipients of the condom-filled acorns complained to police, who cited the judge for disorderly conduct. The judge explained that it was just a joke, but is now facing fines and/or disciplinary action by the state’s Judicial Conduct Board.
The acorns had been cracked open, stuffed with rubbers and then resealed with putty. In quite possibly the best press quote ever, “Police are holding several nuts as evidence.” Questions: Who thinks to unscrew the top of an acorn? How long had the judge been collecting acorns for the project? How much was spent in condoms? The world may never know the answers since the judge’s attorney declined comment, but the whole thing is clearly nuts!
Broken Penises On the Rise
Ok, so broken penises don’t exactly rise. Nevertheless, hospitals are reporting an increase in the number of fractured penises caused by rough sex; particularly in Jamaica. A urologist from Kingston Public Hospital said he was now treating up to two cases a month. What’s the cause?
Experts believe that everyday Joes are trying to fuck like porn stars, but without the technical skills necessary for the advanced level of intercourse. Bad aim can apparently bend your junk in an odd angle and if done hard enough, this can cause a fracture to the shaft of the penis; a serious medical condition.
So you think you’ve fractured your dick. Now what? Well, first you’re going to want to diagnose the problem.
Symptoms: It hurts like hell. You may also hear a pop on contact, followed by excessive swelling and/or bruising. If you suspect that your cock is banged up (pun intended), immediately consult professional help (not a hooker, but a doctor). Left untreated, a fractured penis can cause impotence or deformation.
Flavorful sex seems like a win-win scenario, but unfortunately, this combo doesn’t translate very well laytexically speaking. First of all, I don’t know that my vagina has a preference of flavor during intercourse (well, except maybe chocolate, obviously). The concept of flavored condoms seems to make sense in that encouraging safe sex is always a good idea.
Sadly, in case you haven’t heard (in which case, you probably already have kids), flavored condoms are not designed for sex and often fail when used as the only form of protection. Because the packaging on flavored condoms contains no warning signs to inform users of this fact, people often assume that flavored condoms are an effective method of birth control. But besides being completely ineffective, flavored condoms pose other risks.
Flavored condoms are coated with glycerin, sodium saccharine or aspartame. Why not just dip your dick into a diet soft drink before fucking? It’s just as useful as a flavored condom. Never mind that artificial sweeteners have been linked to cancer. Plus the sugar-like substances act as drying agents and counteracts any lubrication – and nobody wants that. So it seems that these condoms are meant for your mouth, which, unless you’re a hooker, seems unnecessary during oral sex. (Same goes for you, Flavored Dental Dam).
Vibrator Part Left in Woman’s Vagina
How do you know it’s time to sunset a romance? If your boyfriend shoves foreign electronics up your vajayjay, that’s a pretty good sign. A Taiwanese woman recently filed a police report against her boyfriend after he forced a vibrator into her vagina without her consent. The boyfriend, a medical student in his 30s (what a great doctor he’ll make), somehow didn’t notice that a part of the vibrator had broken off inside his girlfriend.
The woman was informed of the broken piece after seeking medical attention for vaginal pain and doctors took the X-ray pictured here. Apparently the couple was having sex when the man took out a vibrator and put it into his girlfriend’s vagina without her knowing. (Not really sure how he was able to stick a vibrator and his dick into her simultaneously; or even more incredulous, how it was that she didn’t notice…) She immediately complained of pain and he quickly removed the vibrator and hid it.
Unfortunately he didn’t notice that part of the vibrator had broken off and was left in her vagina. After three days of vaginal pain, the woman went to the hospital and was shocked when doctors reported that a half oval-shaped object was discovered lodged in her vagina.
Penis Spray Shown To Help Men Last Longer
Good news for minutemen everywhere! A new topical penis spray has been proven to help men delay orgasm. Studies showed that men who typically ejaculated within 36 seconds of penetration lasted five times longer after using the spray.
Sprayed directly over the penis only five minutes before intercourse helped delay orgasm by an average of 108 seconds. Moreover, a 1-month use helped delay ejaculation for over three minutes, while a 3-month use prolonged delay for three minutes and 42 seconds.
The product caused no serious side-effects and was well accepted by the their female sex partners (no shit, thanks Captain Obvious). However .5% of the female partners reported a decreased sensation in the vagina and a burning sensation in the vagina was recorded in about 5% of the female partners (OK, honeymoon’s over).
Trash Bin Tryst Thwarted By Thieves
So this couple was caught f*cking in a dumpster… big whoop; we already read a similar story back in April. Oh, but there’s a twist to this new story: Apparently the dirty deed (literally) in a Wichita trash bin went awry when the couple found themselves held up at knife-point.
Police say the two 44-year-olds were engaged in intercourse when men interrupted them and demanded their belongings, including their shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet.
Police also stated that the robbers were a 64-year-old man (who evidently found no need to retire) and his 59-year-old companion. The suspects were found a short time later and the stolen property was returned.
“It’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that”.
Couple Caught Having Sex in Dumpster
Talk about trash! A police officer in Saanich, Canada following up on a call of “suspicious persons”, arrived at a parking lot where he heard noises coming from a large garbage dumpster. The officer called out, but no one responded. When he looked inside, he was shocked to see two naked adults engaged in intercourse and oblivious to his presence.
The 30-year-old woman and a 26-year-old man, were ordered to put their clothes on and get out of the dumpster. The man was arrested on an unrelated matter and the woman was told to go home (and to come back later – winkedy wink wink). Who knew the Canucks had it in ‘em?
$@bs
