Dog Bites Off Man’s Penis
Knock knock. Who’s there? Jamaican. Jamaican who? Jamaican me sterile. A Jamaican man lost his penis when a vicious dog bit it off. The 45-year-old broom-maker (yes there are people who actually do that for a living) was rushed to the hospital where he was treated and released after a friend’s mongrel dog attacked him.
In an interview with local press, the dog’s owner (who apparently speaks very broken English) commented, “When the dog grab on to his penis, he was trying to push off di dog but di dog dragged it and run off with it and drop di piece that him bite off. When wi wake up di next day, dem did a look for it but it seems like ants or something like dat must gone with it“.
Since the attack, the man was heard telling someone about his bandaged penis, “Look how it likkle and a eight stitches hold in deh.” (I think that means it’s really small now, like, Irishman small…)
Broken Penises On the Rise
Ok, so broken penises don’t exactly rise. Nevertheless, hospitals are reporting an increase in the number of fractured penises caused by rough sex; particularly in Jamaica. A urologist from Kingston Public Hospital said he was now treating up to two cases a month. What’s the cause?
Experts believe that everyday Joes are trying to fuck like porn stars, but without the technical skills necessary for the advanced level of intercourse. Bad aim can apparently bend your junk in an odd angle and if done hard enough, this can cause a fracture to the shaft of the penis; a serious medical condition.
So you think you’ve fractured your dick. Now what? Well, first you’re going to want to diagnose the problem.
Symptoms: It hurts like hell. You may also hear a pop on contact, followed by excessive swelling and/or bruising. If you suspect that your cock is banged up (pun intended), immediately consult professional help (not a hooker, but a doctor). Left untreated, a fractured penis can cause impotence or deformation.
Pig Attacks Man’s Penis
One good pork deserves another… A Jamaican man is now recovering after being hospitalized for a week when a large pig bit him on the penis. (Some pig!) The man was in the pig pen considering which of his swine was to be sold. Deliberating, he held the head of one of the pigs right near his dick, which the pig then bit… twice. Residents commented that they don’t know why the pig got so violent. “Dats why some people are against eating pork as hog eat anything it ketch,” stated a (not so articulate) neighbor.
