If you think your date is a dead fuck, make sure she’s breathing and not just boring. Police in Ohio arrested a man accused of having sex with a corpse. The man claimed he didn’t realize the woman was dead. The 55-year-old is being held on $500,000 bail on charges of abuse of a corpse and possession of marijuana.
He told police he was having sex with the 48-year-old woman he had known for a few months when he realized she wasn’t breathing. He told police he administered CPR and called an ambulance. The woman’s cause of death remains under investigation, but the suspect likes to believe he fucked her to death… cuz she was dead sexy? (Insert your own horrible joke here…)
Police Raid Bestiality Farm
What do you do with your life after making a fortune in the 90s? Run a cocaine and marijuana business, of course. But what if that fails? Well then, you’ll naturally want to create a private bestiality farm for the sexual gratification of wealthy international guests.
The owner of the recently discovered sex farm initially made his money buying and selling small companies in the 1990s. In 2002 he filed for bankruptcy when creditors sought millions from him, whereupon he started running cocaine and marijuana across the border for a local drug kingpin. He was finally arrested in 2005 after being pulled him over with almost 375 pounds of cocaine in his vehicle, valued at $34 million.
Upon his release (but still under probation), the man hid out in a compound near the Canadian border. This is where he started the bestiality haven, which included mice with cut off tails, smothered in Vaseline with a string tied around them. Video footage obtained from a police raid also depicted guests having sex with several large-breed dogs. Dozens of horses and dogs were seized from the compound, many of which were in such a condition that they had to be euthanized. If convicted, the owner faces up to five years in prison.
A man was sentenced to nine months in prison after pleading guilty to exposing himself in front of children and committing an indecent act in connection with four separate incidents.
He was first spotted masturbating in the children’s section of a local bookstore (giving the term ‘book worm’ a new and gruesome definition).
Later that year he pulled his pants down while staring at a 14-year-old girl in the children’s section of a public library. (More like pubic library – ‘Fun with Dick and… dick’?)
The two incidents were committed while he was already on probation for a similar offense — the second on his record. He justified his behavior by claiming that he was “under the influence of marijuana” and in case no one bought that story, that he was “commanded by Satan to masturbate”. (Best. Excuse. Ever.)
The 45-year- old denied having sexual interest in kids, but tests showed that he is aroused by young girls. Regardless, when appearing in court with his mother, (Really? With his mother? At age 45?) he apologized and insisted he won’t do it again (except, of course, if Satan commands him to, in which case, it’s go time).
If you don’t like women who wear make up at the gym, you’re gonna hate this b*tch. A Californian man wearing a bustier and watching porn on a computer in his apartment complex gym was arrested; but only after officers found drugs in his backpack. The sergeant on duty says the 45-year-old from Tustin, CA, was arrested Tuesday after a security guard in his building noticed him in a workout room that should have been locked.
Upon further investigation, police discovered the man in his bustier, plus a miniskirt, fishnet stockings and heels, hiding behind exercise equipment and watching an adult film on his laptop. After searching him, police arrested the man for drug possession after finding marijuana, methamphetamine and paraphernalia in his bag. Seriously, who works out in a bustier, miniskirt, fishnets, and heels??? The world may never know, since the man refused to comment following the arrest.
$@bs
Cemeteries are getting a lot of exposure lately! Happily, this story is a little brighter than yesterday’s. A Sicilian grave-digger was caught growing marijuana in a cemetery. The 42-year-old man had two clumps of the blessed crop, nestled between old monuments and graves of stillborn children.
An off-duty policeman spotted the weed cluster while visiting a relative’s grave and alerted an undercover team who set up a surveillance operation in unfinished tombs. When the daytime shift turned up no comers, the cops began a 24-hour vigil, finally catching a watering can-bearing gravedigger as he approached his plants early one morning. Guess the Italian deceased will have to go without herbal refreshments in the afterlife. (Hell?)
$@bs
Marijuana: The Breakfast of Champions
Of course I’m reefering (pun intended) to the photo of Michael Phelps hitting a bong. Firstly, the photo showed him getting down on a plastic bong. Not glass? C’mon Michael, after all those sponsorships you couldn’t splurge on paraphernalia? This was disappointing to me. What kind of self respecting dope fiend are you anyway?
Kellog’s just announced that they plan to let the swimmer’s contract expire at the end of the month. When is society going to realize that athletes are people too? If it didn’t affect his performance, who’s business is it anyway? It’s not like steroids got him the 8 gold medals…
Seriously, America, what is the big fucking deal? I mean 
is it so surprising that a kid of 24 occasionally dabbles in the ganja? Would it have been different if marijuana was legal? What if the photo was of him taking a shot? He would have had a whole new slew of sponsors ranging from Kettle 1 to Jose Cuervo…
I think the fact that an Olympic champion smokes weed is encouraging to all pot heads in the US; gives something to hope for!
$@bs
