“Do you want whip cream with that?” A NYC local who calls himself Mister PeePee sure does. He has one mission: to jack off in every Starbucks bathroom in NYC. He even recorded a podcast describing the task at hand (literally). After each of conquests, he rates the results.
After a visit to the bathroom, Mister PeePee posts tweets like, “Today’s Starbucks visit is rated as a 4 Boner. Spacious, clean, excellent coffee, strong WIFI, no interruptions & 1 hot chick.” He stated, “I’ve got to rate the bathroom on cleanliness, and note if a person knocked on the door and interrupted me.”
A Starbucks employee commented, “For everyone one of him who decides to mention it, think of how many don’t. We have one regular who comes in for about an hour a day and stares and studies the baristas working. Even takes pictures (it certainly seems) with his phone. Can’t really say anything though since he’s a cop. ”
The good news is that Mister PeePee is NOT one of the baristas…
Clearly a fan of corporal punishment, a man has been fined some $95 million in damages after hitting his female employee with his penis. This is the largest settlement resulting from an individual sexual harassment case.
According to the plaintiff, the store manager of a rental furniture chain in St. Louis, Aaron’s Inc., cock-slapped her on the head before throwing her on a couch and jerking off onto her chest.
Arguably, this seems like standard testing for furniture durability. That being said, the company naturally plans to appeal the decision.
Quite possibly the luckiest human being alive, a 36-year-old woman with a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality recently won a court case to openly masturbate and watch porn at her place of business.
The Brazilian accountant began having problems at work when she realized that the only way to relieve her extreme level of anxiety was by masturbating; often. With regard to her condition, the woman stated, “I got so bad I would masturbate up to forty seven-times a day. That’s when I asked for help, I knew it wasn’t normal.”
The woman sought professional medical help and then won a court battle to be legally permitted to masturbate and watch porn at her desk computer. Following the lawsuit, and thanks to an entire cabinet of meds, she now only has to rub one out round eighteen-times a day. Now her (lucky) colleagues and local corporate pervs get to watch her openly get off at her designated work space while on their way to the loo.
The germ-infested ball crawl, the smell of sour milk, the horrible pizza… anybody would get turned on! A man was arrested at a Chuck E. Cheese in Georgia after he exposed himself inside the children’s restaurant.
According to authorities, the 21-year-old sat down at a table where a mother was seated. She noticed that he had his hands between his legs, but thought that he was texting. She soon noticed that instead of a phone, it was his penis in his hand and instead of texting, he was openly spanking it while looking around at all of the children.
The man was immediately apprehended and he’s now being charged with not only child molestation, but also false information; he had given his age as 16 in order to gain entry into the restaurant. He also had outstanding warrants for his arrest from violating his probation. Click here to read the article.
If you’re busted exposing your junk to a minor, the best thing to do is blame the nearest bottle of Tabasco. A 50-year old man from Florida was on a flight to visit family during the holidays when he poured hot sauce on his penis. (The story is unclear about whether or not this act was intentional.)
According to the man, the hot sauce made him massage and aggressively scratch his cock while he was conveniently seated next to a 17-year-old girl. A slightly different version of the story, the teen confirmed that the man was touching himself, but added that he had no pants on underneath his opened tray table.
When the flight landed, the man was detained by authorities for questioning and was unable to answer why he didn’t resolve his ‘itch’ (AKA hard-on) privately in the bathroom; nor could he explain how he obtained the Tabasco. The man was booked on charges of indecent exposure while the whereabouts of the hot sauce remain unknown (though probably around his taint).
Can’t a woman masturbate half naked, in hotel parking lot, with a loaded gun in peace anymore? Jeez! Police found a woman half-naked in a van outside a Red Roof Inn in Naperville. She was in possession of a loaded gun and various sex toys and told police she was changing clothes. She later admitted that she left her kids in the motel and went out to pleasure herself (with a loaded gun, of course).
The 44-year-old woman from Texas was registered at the hotel with her three children when cops was spotted her in the van in the parking lot, noting that she was naked from the waist up. She told police that she had left the kids, none of whom was too young to be left alone, in the room. “That’s why she was out in the van doing what she was doing,” an officer stated. (Thanks Captain Obvious). There was no mention of what she might have been doing with the loaded gun while she pleasured herself… (Masturbashe-gun? Eh, there something there…)
Ring Toss Game on the Boss’ Penis
How do you play lawn games in the winter? A woman from Eugene, OR can tell you… She says the couple who own the hotel where she worked encouraged their employees to play a game of ring toss on the husband’s penis. Her employers apparently threw a party at the hotel (emphasis on ‘ho’), where the husband danced naked and jerked off while guests guessed the size and circumference of his shaft.
One of their female employees is now alleging “civil rights violations, sexual harassment, hostile workplace and constructive termination“. She says she worked at the hotel for 3 years until their questionable behavior forced her to resign. In particular, the wife “talked about her sexual fantasies and asked the plaintiff and other employees for advice or suggestions“.
During the incident in question, the couple threw a private party at the hotel on a day when their soon-to-be scarred employee had to work. When the party began, the husband stripped down to thong underwear in the restaurant-bar and began giving lap dances to employees and guests alike. Shortly after, he removed the thong and shit got real. At that point, the wife reportedly asked guests and employees to guess the measurements of her husband’s penis, asking employees to rub lotion on him. The husband then began masturbating in front of everyone so as to measure his erect penis; and so others could play a ring toss game on his dick. The female employee stated that she left while the party was still in ‘full swing’ (interesting choice of words for a sexcentric party) and is now suing for $900,000. The good news: Sounds like this hotel has an opening.
What kind of America is it when you can’t jump on your own trampoline naked? It’s no kind of America at all; in fact, it’s England! And in this case it’s not jumping up and down, it’s jerking off in front of your neighbors. A man in the UK was spotted on his trampoline by a female neighbour with his “manhood” in one hand and a cigarette in the other (a multitasker). She called the police and he was arrested, charged with shameless indecency.
Upon questioning, he admitted that he’d gone out to the trampoline to masturbate “just for the thrill of it,” but added that he had not meant for anyone to see him. Asked why he was looking at his neighbor’s window, he explained that it was because he had seen the light go on.
The man pled guilty to exposing himself in a shameless and indecent manner as well as placing his neighbor in a state of fear. He tried to rescind this later, stating that he only pled guilty “to avoid the embarrassment of a trial,” (sort of moot regardless). Authorities refused to permit the withdrawal and placed him on the sex offenders list. Moral of the story: Don’t jerk off on your trampoline; or else grow some tall-ass shrubs.
If you’re turned on by lots of black balls, you’re not alone. A man from Gloucester City, NJ was recently arrested for masturbating at a table inside a bowling alley. Police said the 58-year-old was performing the sex act while looking “in the direction” of a 13-year-old girl.
Employees at the bowling alley detained the man outside the building until police arrived on the scene. The man was charged with tender years sex assault and sent to the local prison in default of $5,000 in bail. To no surprise, his bowling balls are now blue…
Obviously an Andrew McCarthy fan, a man from West Virginia is behind bars after committing “lewd acts” with a mannequin in a public park.
The local sheriff’s department found the 61-year-old sitting on a park bench (ala Aqualung) with an armless mannequin on his lap, holding it with one hand and jerking off with the other.
When the officer approached him, the man replied that he was “just trying to have a little fun“, pushed the mannequin off him and pulled his pants up (despite a nasty splinter).
The man has been charged with indecent exposure and is being held in prison on a $2,500 cash only bond.
