Introducing the Free Condom iPhone App
Let’s say you’re about to tap that… oh, and you’re also an extremely cheap New Yorker. But you want to have safe sex, right? Of course you do! And you haven’t been able to score free rubbers since the clinic of your college days. Fear not, Young Stallion; as long as you have your trusty iPhone, hope is not lost!
On National Condom Awareness Day, NYC Health introduced the world to their new application, NYC Condom Finder. The app helps you find FREE condoms wherever you are in New York City using your iPhone’s GPS to locate the 5 nearest venues that distribute free NYC condoms. It even provides walking directions! (OK, you might be running.) With more than 3,000 locations throughout all 5 boroughs, you’ll be able to wrap that package fo shizzle, ma nizzle! Yay, safe sex!
Vattoos are the New Vajazzles
If you’re still having Swarovski crystals glued to your puss, you’re way behind (in front). Now, all the va-rage is vattoos: temporary tattoos for your gyner. Select NYC spas have started offering women temporary vaginal tattoos; not temporary tattoos OF vaginas, but tattoos FOR vaginas.
The temporary tattoos last about five days and are applied with airbrushed ink. Clients can choose from designs including a flower, butterfly, sun, or calligraphy letters inked in a color of your choice.
You won’t find these babies in a Cracker Jack box, so better make an appointment. I’m thinking a ‘tear here‘ twattoo written in calligraphy would be perfect above my cooter…
New Hotel Offers Peep Show to Passersby
For all you couch potatoes out there, here’s a new reason to get out and enjoy the outdoors: free local sex acts. The Standard Hotel which recently opened in NYC is fulfilling its promise of packing meat in the city’s Meatpacking district. The former railroad trestle turned local peep show invites horny hotel guests to perform sex acts in front of the building’s floor-to-ceiling windows.
Neighbors report seeing men masturbating, porn films being shot and couples having intercourse in full view of the High Line Park path that runs alongside the hotel. One local business manager at the next door bar, Brass Monkey, stated. “I’ve seen at least 10 different people having sex. Saturday nights are the best time for the show.” (Note to self: keep Saturday nights open.)
Before the story broke and created controversy, the hotel’s Facebook page encourage guests to perform said “sexy parties”, stating: “We encourage you to exercise your inner exhibitionist. Please share your intimate, and explicit photos with us — those floor to ceiling windows aren’t just for the views . . .”
Another witness who works in the area stated, “We saw a naked girl jumping up and down on a trampoline right in front of the window.” NYC City Council Speaker Christine Quinn told The Post she hopes to bring the show to an end. (Every party has a pooper.)
It’s Not Your Father’s Fanny Pack
Any girl can tell you how annoying it is to tote a purse around when you’re going out; particularly dancing. You end up either having to do the ‘handbag house’ step, clutching your purse under your arm while you bop, or you find a nearby table on which to stash the purse, where it can be snagged by anyone.
Clearly, neither solution is satisfactory, and in my search for a new answer, I stumbled upon the Urban Cowgirls line of fresh and hot, hand-made custom leather bags.
The bags caught my eye as I walked past Whole Food’s in Union Square, where local designer and kool kat, Sheila Jimenez, hawks her wares. I was so intrigued by them that I couldn’t decide which one to get, so Sheila was nice enough to let me try on a bunch until I could make an educated selection.
I had to get it on immediately, and the unique accessory definitely got a lot of attention stat. No, you can’t borrow it, get your own. (PS. most of these bad boys are $50 and under – woot woot!)
A NY State of Mind: F*ck You
Lately I’ve been feeling like bitch slapping all of NYC across the face. I try to look the other way when people are rude, obnoxious, or just plain scary, but how long can one possibly ignore this behavior? When people are getting into altercations at every turn, it’s difficult not to get involved in the contention.
Now, there are obvious moments when there’s no choice but to hold back. For instance, as I sat in Bryant Square Park, minding my own business, embracing the Kenny Bloggins within, a (drunk) old man suddenly started screaming obscenities at someone for at least 5 minutes. Clearly there may have been danger involved should I have had the misfortune of not being able to keep my pie hole shut. Much to my surprise, I remained silent. I have not been so lucky on other occasions.
Last week I was delighted to have received a free ticket to Joe’s Pub to see jazz guitarist, Julian Lage. I was even more pleased when I arrived and was seated at a very comfy couch next to a very agreeable gentleman. The friend meeting 
me there was late, so I made pleasant chit chat with the gentleman next to me. No sooner had he excused himself to use the men’s room, when a belligerent jerkoffsky sat down in his place. I started to let the man know that someone was already sitting there, but he rudely cut me off and told me to tell the management. I then attempted to inform the new arrival that I didn’t even know the man that had been sitting there, when I was interrupted again by said fuckerman who again told me to take it up with management.
At this point, management came over to let me know that they had made an error by seating me there and wanted to move me to a horribly cramped table positioned in the most claustrophobic section in the venue. I was so irritated that I announced I was leaving and stood up to do so, but not before I turned to the intRUDEr and let him know, in no uncertain terms, that he was a complete and total asshole. Then I left in a 1978 huff. Does this happen so often in other parts of the world? “Can’t we all just get along“? So far it really doesn’t seem like it. I’m making a concerted effort to be a better person, but others have been making this excruciatingly difficult. “Dear Alex and Annie, what shall I do?”
$@bs
Let’s Call the Whole Thing Brunch
This morning I had the most AMAZING breakfast, which I made myself <pats own back>. It was my version of a McGriddle, minus the 2000 extra calories: turkey bacon and a fried egg in between two buckwheat pancakes! Naturally I had to slather the whole thing in real maple syrup… I get excited just thinking about it! It was something I will something I never forget; like this burger I had once in Atlantic City at the Borgata in a drunken stupor at 4 am…oh, man <wipes saliva from chin>. But I digress…
I’m a serious fan of brunch – but not the sissy brunch that takes all goddamn afternoon for something overpriced and undercooked (see “The Dark Side [of Toast]“). I want food; good food, plenty of it, and I don’t want to spend my whole paycheck on it and I can’t wait around all afternoon for it. It got me to thinking about the fact that a lot of people have asked me to recommend brunch spots so here are some of my reviews. I would LOVE to try new spots so please let me know what your faves are.
1. Essex Restaurant
They have a really nice selection of brunch items for $16 that come with 3 bloody marys, screwdrivers or mimosas – can you say, “What a deal”? I’ve been there several times and never had to wait too long for a table. The potato pancake is a great break from the usual home fries.
2. Calle Ocho
All I’m going to say is free Sangria all Sunday long! Now the bad news: you can only order off the brunch menu and my item of choice is a goat cheese tamal that’s on the dinner menu – poo stix!
3. Kitchenette
There are two of these hot spots around town; one in Tribeca and one by Columbia up on Amsterdam. The inside could not be cuter and the food is the serious get down; not at all hard on the pocket. Plus, cheese grits are hard to come by in this town!
4. Penelope Cafe
I just happened to have picked this spot since it was conveniently located halfway between my abode and that of my friend meeting me for brunch. She was coming from Hobokes. At any rate, I had a penny egg sandwich with pesto there that immediately inspired me to make pesto so I could have egg sandwiches with it on demand. Once again, I did not have to wait.
5. Clinton Street Bakery
Ok, the ONLY reason that I’m mentioning this is that it came up as #1 in Citysearch’s rating and a friend absolutely loves this place. I honestly was not all that impressed, but you be the judge and let me know how it goes. Though the wait was ridonkulous, they did come out with some mini pancakes for the very patient crowd. In my opinion, it was not worth the hour wait.
$@bs
