What’s pink, floats, and looks good enough to have sex with? One man would say the answer is his neighbor’s pool raft. A 32-year-old man from OH was arrested for allegedly having sex with a neighbor’s pink inflatable raft in an alley. The neighbor reported that he spotted the man on top of the raft with his pants “down around his ankles.”
Disturbed, the neighbor shouted, interrupting the crime of passion only momentarily. The perp pulled up his pants and left, but took the pool raft with him. (You can have his pool raft when you pry it from his cold, dead penis.)
When questioned by police, the man admitted to having sex with the pool raft, but claimed that he “has a problem,” (ya think???) and that he “needs help.” The discarded raft was found marooned in a backyard. The police investigation continues to determine whether the sex between the man and the raft was consensual.
If you think your date is a dead fuck, make sure she’s breathing and not just boring. Police in Ohio arrested a man accused of having sex with a corpse. The man claimed he didn’t realize the woman was dead. The 55-year-old is being held on $500,000 bail on charges of abuse of a corpse and possession of marijuana.
He told police he was having sex with the 48-year-old woman he had known for a few months when he realized she wasn’t breathing. He told police he administered CPR and called an ambulance. The woman’s cause of death remains under investigation, but the suspect likes to believe he fucked her to death… cuz she was dead sexy? (Insert your own horrible joke here…)
Vagina-Themed Energy Drink Debuts
You know what your energy drink needs? More vagina! Introducing ‘Sum Poosie‘: “a vagina-themed cherry-flavored energy drink“.
An Ohio resident who turned down a position with Red Bull in 1996 is the mastermind behind the new beverage.
He describes the drink as “the Girls Gone Wild of energy drinks“, and continues, “There are a million and one energy drinks. We needed to stand out. What better way than with Sum Poosie?”
Apparently it “tastes a lot like Cherry 7-Up“, and is an acronym for “Subliminal Urgent Message: Positive Outlook On Sex Ignorance and Education.”
Presently sold in D.C., the sellers are seeking national distribution. Each drink features a bikini-clad “bottle model” (AKA “sluts”). The drink’s official website is currently soliciting models (more sluts).
Thus far, customers are primarily women (AKA lesbians).
Man Charged For Sex With Picnic Table
Nothing says summer like having sex in the outdoors, right? One man from Bellevue, OH, thinks so. But you may want to opt for a living human being instead of a metallic inanimate object… The 40-year-old was arrested after a neighbor videotaped him sexually engaged with a metal picnic table. He was seen fucking the table on at least four separate occasions. (Well at least it wasn’t a one night stand, but he should really treat it to dinner.)
How do you fuck a table? Authorities noted that the table had a hole in the middle intended for an umbrella. The (married) father of three is now facing felony counts of public indecency since his residence is in close proximity to an elementary school. The district’s police captain commented, “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes around.” Yea, inside a picnic table, apparently. Kudos to RogBo for hookin’ us up with the unforgettable article!
