It’s not death that I’m afraid of, it’s an unnecessarily embarrassing death I’d have to live down into eternity that keeps me up at night. Like this unfortunate chap: A 44-year-old man from Newport, Shropshire, who died after he tied himself to a tree, wrapped a cord around his penis and became trapped. In a Houdini FAIL of epic proportions, the man cut his wrists in attempts to escape and died of blood loss and hypothermia.
Friends of the deceased noted that on the night before he died, the man had downed seven pints of beer and a vodka/coke. He returned home at 1:00 am to make a rope with two loops for his wrists. Then he went for walk, found a tree, removed his clothes and tied himself to the tree using his improvised handcuffs, facing the tree. He was found at 8:00 am the next morning wearing only socks and boots, with the cord still wrapped around his penis. He died just a few hours later. Still no word on what in God’s name he was doing with a cord wrapped around his dick, tied naked to a tree in the first place…
Obviously an Andrew McCarthy fan, a man from West Virginia is behind bars after committing “lewd acts” with a mannequin in a public park.
The local sheriff’s department found the 61-year-old sitting on a park bench (ala Aqualung) with an armless mannequin on his lap, holding it with one hand and jerking off with the other.
When the officer approached him, the man replied that he was “just trying to have a little fun“, pushed the mannequin off him and pulled his pants up (despite a nasty splinter).
The man has been charged with indecent exposure and is being held in prison on a $2,500 cash only bond.
Penis Size Depends on Other Guys… For Ducks
A new study at Yale University has found that the length of a duck’s penis depends on the other ducks with whom he flocks. The study showed that a duck’s dick experiences significant shrinkage at the end of a given breeding season, and then RE-grows when the next season begins. Junk regeneration varies depending on overall penal competition in the flock. (Cockpetition? CompeDICKtion?)
Presented at the Animal Behavior Society annual meeting, the study therefore suggests that social circumstances influence penis growth in vertebrates and that extra length may give a male an advantage in delivering sperm in females with multiple mates. Unfortunately, no information has been obtained on whether any other species responds to sexual competition in the same way.
Police Search For Penis Picture Poster
Police in the UK are on the hunt for a man that’s been posting pictures of a naked penis around town. Authorities have confiscated several posters, which feature a penis with a yellow ribbon around it, both in color as well as black and white. (Phallic support for the US troops?)
The objective of the poster is unknown, though some believe that it’s in protest since some of the copies include the caption “fees set to rise later this year“. Several of the posters have been sent out for fingerprint and DNA testing. A spokesperson for the police stated, “From what we’ve seen, if this is a self-portrait, the artist won’t be in a hurry to be identified“. Sadly, attempts to obtain an image of the poster have been unsuccessful. :’(
If your male parts are on the small side, you’re in a much better position than some. A man from Mumbai suffered from Filariasis of the genitalia, which forces the penis and testicles to assume an unusual size and shape. The 66-year-old lived in utter solitude and misery since his penis grew three times its size and his scrotum five. The physical changes created problems when the man even so much as walked down the street. He had confined himself to his home and repeated visits to his local hospital yielded minimal relief.
After a year of suffering, surgeons at Masina Hospital were able to restructure the unfortunate man’s valuables. Medical staff stated that after treatment for two weeks, the man’s scrotum shrunk considerably even before surgery. Doctors commented, “The challenge was to look for his organ, which was hidden under thick skin and mass”.
In the first of three operations, an opening was created to the urinary passage so the man could urinate normally. During the second procedure, doctors peeled off the thick skin that covered his genitals. About 80% of the thick skin was removed and the remainder was used to cover his penis. During the third surgery, doctors drained fluid from the scrotum, gave it a normal shape, and removed 90% of the scrotum skin. Even more miraculous, all of this was good news. The man was able to return home within a few weeks.
Cop Fired Over Penis Party Trick
These days party tricks don’t elicit the same respect they used to. One Australian cop learned this the hard way when he was fired after a penis bottle trick at the precinct’s Christmas party, held in a Chinese restaurant. The officer attached a bottle opener to a piercing on his junk and opened a bottle of beer with it in front of fellow officers and their wives. Someone didn’t think it was that impressive, apparently, since they complained and the officer was terminated. The district’s Police Commissioner stated that he had “lost confidence” in the officer and matters were made worse in that the cop was one of the most senior officers at the celebration.
The officer had been involved in a similar incident at a pub three years earlier and had received counseling over it. (Counseling FAIL.) He stated that colleagues had been encouraging him to expose himself (well, that does happen at every company Christmas party) and that there were no other customers at the restaurant when he went to the bathroom to attach the bottle opener to his penis. He acknowledges that his behaviour was “inappropriate“, but said he did not intend to offend. He commented: “I kicked myself later because something that was meant to be fun turned out to be a lot more serious than that.” Worried about his career? Don’t be. He was just offered a job as a NY bartender. The case continues and the bottle of beer has been detained for questioning.
A man from Boulder, Co is facing charges of indecent exposure after he was caught masturbating behind the (aptly named) meat counter of a local grocery. A female customer at the store reported that she was shopping in the meat department when the suspect asked her if she was finding everything. She told authorities that she noticed movement behind the meat display (no, not his own personal meat display, but the cold cuts) and saw the suspect ‘holding his penis‘. She continued that the suspect began jerking off while talking to her, but seeing the look of shock on her face, put his dick back in his pants.
The woman then stated that she walked away from the meat counter and looked back to see the suspect back in the act. After reporting the incident to the store’s manager, police were called and the suspect was arrested. When questioned by police, the suspect admitted to “having his penis out of his pants”. The case was set for trial on September 7 and the store was closed for unrelated reasons (though I’m sure this didn’t help).
Long Man or Schlong Man?
Tis the season to be randomly drawing large phalluses, no? Yes! It was just last week that we covered the penis painted on the bridge in St. Petersberg. Well now he’s got an English cousin in the aptly name, Long Man.
Although no one knows exactly when the Long Man was erected (insert joke here), archaeologists estimate that the hill figure in Wilmington, UK, dates from the sixteenth or seventeenth century AD. Obviously it was time for him to get a make-over. What better way to do so than by adding a giant penis?
This week the famous chalk image was anonymously adorned with a brand spanking new 20 ft hard on, which will stick around at least until the rain washes the paint from the hillside. Sources say the dick was drawn using a football pitch marker for the stunt. The huge cock is expected to wash away before long, so get it while it’s hard!
Giant Penis Protest Hits St. Petersburg
Why stage a sit-in when you can paint a giant penis in protest? A gigantic cock was recently painted on the Liteiny Bridge in St. Petersburg by the radical art collective known as Voina (which means ‘war’). The huge phallus was created in protest of security measures planned for the International Economic Forum, an event designed to identify and deliberate key challenges that face emerging markets and the world.
The Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation (FSB) is Russia’s main domestic security agency; successor to the KGB. Now, when the bridge is raised, the erect penis stands in all it’s glory right next to FSB headquarters. Measuring 220 ft long and almost 90 feet wide (insert jealousy here), the big dick rises and shines whenever the bridge is raised to allow ships to pass underneath it. Only one of the artists has been fined for the penis so far, which was still visible as of yesterday.
My first thought was: “How can software identify your penis?” My second thought: “What’s ChatRoulette?” ChatRoulette is a website which pairs people randomly from around the world for webcam-based chats. At any point, either user can end the chat by starting another random connection. I had heard of the application previously, but in conversation with friends, I also learned that users are typically random guys showing their junk and jerking off.
Well ChatRoulette plans to do away with all of that by instituting penis-recognition software. Contrary to my first assumption, the platform isn’t able to identify your penis in particular (boo!), but rather, just identifies penises overall. This algorithm will filter out shots of male genitalia altogether.
Users debate whether tricks will prevent the software from effective filtering. One user commented, “What if a guy puts a tiny sombrero on his sausage in order to trick the software?” It’s a valid concern. Nevertheless, the website`s founder hopes that blocking such offending members will help clean up Chatroulette`s reputation. But don’t worry, Ladies, no one’s tried to block your vaj shots… yet.
