A gChat About the Legend of The Chode
5:50 PM Count Cenci: Chodes have fascinated me for years, mainly because I’m pretty sure they don’t exist.
me: Well I can say that I’ve never seen one.
Count Cenci: As heterosexual man, I have encountered penis in the locker room, but it’s not something I have studied.
5:51 PM me: It’s probably best…
Count Cenci: Here’s why I think they’re a complete fabrication: I’ve never even met a girl that HAS seen one. Except for those girls that always say things when you’re at the bar to make them sound exotic, when you know they aren’t. I used to argue vehemently that chodes did exist…mainly because I don’t want to live in a world where they don’t.
me: I concur.
Count Cenci: Just for the readers, a chode is penis that is wider than it is long. Picture an ashtray or something equivalent to that. A tiny penis is not necessarily a chode.
5:55 PM me: As a woman, I can’t see how this would be satisfying, even in porn.
Count Cenci: Can we agree that a chode almost always has to be small? Actually not even almost always; always always.
5:56 PM me: Judges? They’ll allow it!
Count Cenci: Excellent. Now to continue.
me: Have you seen a picture of one?
Count Cenci: Beat me to it, forgive the pun. I have searched the interwebs high and low and seen more tiny penises than I ever wish to. Actually more penises than I would ever want to, and not a single chode.
5:58 PM me: Well, well, well. Google doesn’t seem to have all the answers after all. I’m sure this would be a unique differentiator for Bing. Perhaps a corporate letter to tip them off – again (p)unintended. Google needs to be taken down a peg or two.
Count Cenci: You can find everything online now. I actually found some porn of a woman sticking cockroaches in her snatch. I mean everything is out there. I even asked a buddy with more Internet knowledge than I and we both agreed: No chodes on the Internet. Maybe all the poor saps that have chodes are pulling a Murdoch and demanding Google pay them.
6:00 PM So let’s making the sweeping generalization that chodes aren’t anywhere on the Internet.
me: Not even: http://chode.com/ Although that yielded interesting results…
6:01 PM Count Cenci: Yes, it did. Maybe http://chode.org? Again a strange site.
me: Yes, still not very helpful. But perhaps The Chode is like God. You can never prove its existence, but some just believe.
Count Cenci: WOW. That’s the best explanation in all my the chode conversations I’ve ever had.
me: Now we’s gettin’ deep.
Count Cenci: Was that another (p)unintentional pun?
me: If you please!
Count Cenci: I have a hypothesis about the few women who have claimed they’ve seen chodes. Again, these women said such things probably to appear more exotic. They probably encountered an unusually thick and short penis. They’re out there. Right now I am pushing my fist into my palm, where it immediately falls out. That’s the hand movement I am implying.
me: First, who in their right mind would actually admit to that? And second, well that second part made no sense.
6:10 PM Count Cenci: The penis is too thick and short to actually penetrate the vaginal wall (in this analogy my palm–and my fist being the squat dick).
me: Yes, yes I see the problem.
Count Cenci: A serious problem that probably makes less secure women feel terrible and even more insecure.
me: Sort of a round hole square peg problem. Only the square peg is just an abnormally thick cock.
6:12 PM Count Cenci: Correctamundo! 1000 Starwood points for The $@bs. You’re doing a good job cutting through my endlessly rambling brain.
6:13 PM me: I must admit, until today, I had never heard of The Chode. Frankly, I’m embarrassed.
Count Cenci: My theory/postulate/whatever is that the chode was actually invented by these women, who, when faced with a particularly think and short penis decided, “Nah fuck that. Let’s just call it a chode and make people think there are penises out there which are wider than they are long.‘ They. Do. Not. Exist.
6:17 PM me: Pls hold
6:18 PM me: And we’re back
6:19 PM Count Cenci: That was like gChat blue balls. Now I just want a camel light and a cold shower
6:20 PM me: ROFL. My apologies! But bake to chodes. I wouldn’t be sorry if they didn’t exist. I’d be fucking scarred for life if I ever actually saw one in real life. An animated one might be ok though… something by Disney?
A Canadian man had just boarded a flight when he began to feel discomfort in his groin. Inspecting himself in the bathroom, he noticed that his genitals were bleeding. (Un)Naturally he sent for a male flight attendant to examine his bloody penis. Shockingly, the flight attendant refused and instead, simply handed the passenger some tissues. Upon landing, the passenger was admitted to a local hospital where doctors diagnosed him with a ruptured vein.
The passenger now claims that the flight attendant ruined his vacation and is now suing the airline for $8,000. (It also may have had something to do with the fact that his dick was bleeding.) Even if the flight attendant acquiesced to looking at the hemorrhaging cock, what exactly did he expect someone who’s NOT a medical professional to do? Suck out the poison? The Canadian judge felt similarly and rejected the case.
Gum To Help Men Perform
If you have a hard time getting it up (pun intended) and you’re too chicken shit to get a prescription for Viagra, then prepare to celebrate (the party in your pants). Introducing a new line of gum that you’ll get a hard-on for,literally: erection-enhancing gum.
The new Sexlets brand chewing gum is about to be released to the market and boasts of a combination of ginseng, Vitamin E, yohimbe bark and orchic powder, (crushed bull testicles, naturally) to help power your penis. A pack of 15 goes for $11.97 and each piece looks like a vitamin. The vitamin turns into powder in your mouth (ew) and then into peppermint-flavored gum. Frankly this sounds more nauseating than Pop Rocks (which would really be a better name for the product). Recommended dosage is 4 tablets per boner.
It’s not the Oriental Pearl Cream they’ve been trying to trick you into believing all of these years that’s keeping Asian women looking so youthful. It’s the artificial hymen. The first method of creating an artificial hymen was known as a ‘hymenorrhaphy‘, a form of cosmetic surgery where the hymen tissue is pulled back together so it can be ‘re-popped.’ The problem with the procedure is that it basically costs an arm and a vagina.
Now many Chinese street vendors offer artificial hymens or ‘maidenheads’, which inflate inside the vagina and can then be ‘popped’ open with a penis. There are many artificial hymen kits on the market now, such as Night Red, Virtuous Girl Red, and Joan of ARC Red. Disappointingly enough, I haven’t been able to find a link where one may purchase these online. Personally, I think I’m too old to try this, but if I ever decide to become a born again virgin, it will come in handy.
Scorned Woman Posts Teeny Weenie Pics
She who laughs last laughs best. Especially when she’s laughing at her ex-boyfriend’s small dick and the whole world is laughing with her. One very funny 18-year-old female was charged with harassment for posting pics of her ex’s “little” penis on lampposts in his neighborhood. After the 24-year old man ended their brief relationship to date another woman, the Swedish teen posted pictures of her ex’s genitalia, complete with the “tiny” description, and added her ex-lover’s name and phone number to the post, just so no one would confuse his identity. Seriously though, if it was really that small, then why is she pissed he’s with someone else? Good riddance if you ask me (coming from a size queen deluxe). To read the full article, click here.
The Curved Cock Conundrum
Not straight, (but not necessarily gay), the curved cock phenomenon is not at all uncommon. Most penises curve at least a little; they can even point down when erect (owie). According to medical professionals, the only problem with anything more than a 30-degree deviation is the possibility that it can limit the number of sexual positions comfortable for both partners. In that case there are procedures that can help straighten you out.
The treatment to straighten curvature is a surgery called plication. It actually sounds quite horrible and uses such disturbing language as “degloving the penis” and “pulling the skin down”, but essentially the procedure shortens the longer side of the penis so both sides match. Though many men feel self conscious of any curvature, from a woman’s perspective, curving in the right direction is not at all a bad thing. Sometimes the curve can result in easier access to just the right spot!
Masturbation Tips
In my search to diversify the sex-related content you’ve grown to know and love, I stumbled upon this morsel. The article is related to masturbation for men, but who can’t use a brush-up (and down) on hand job skills now and then? (Chill, ladies; tomorrow’s post will pussify your protests.) While the article had many good ideas, the best ones were:
- Switch hands or change positions – personally I can’t get the right friction with my left hand, but maybe I just don’t have the right equipment. I’ve heard good reviews about The Stranger.
- Simulate thrusts instead of using your hands to move up and down the shaft. While I appreciate this move saves you from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, it might not look that sexy. Therefore, NOT recommended during mutual masturbation.
- Different strokes – And not in a Gary Coleman kind of way. The article suggests rolling your penis in between your hands while moving them up and down the shaft or using long twisting strokes. Actually this just sounds kind of painful.
- Don’t neglect the rest of your genitals, try massaging the perineum (the area between the balls and the anus, AKA ‘the taint’). It’s also recommended you try sticking your finger in your ass (multi-taskers only).
- Toys – The piece urges you to consider using a vibrator, dildo, butt plug, cock ring or cock sleeve. Frankly, this just sounds gay, but whatevs, no judgement.
Happy playing!
For the complete article, click here.
The perfect stocking stuffer this holiday season (that’s what she said), get your loved ones something they can’t return: nothing says Christmas like a chocolate mold of your penis.
The new Clone-A-Willy manufactured by HolisticWisdom.com is a kit that provides the ability to clone any penis into an edible chocolate model.
With Clone-A-Willy, you can commemorate your cock with a delicious chocolate treat the whole family can enjoy. Free cock ring with any purchase. (YES, this is for real).
A man was sentenced to nine months in prison after pleading guilty to exposing himself in front of children and committing an indecent act in connection with four separate incidents.
He was first spotted masturbating in the children’s section of a local bookstore (giving the term ‘book worm’ a new and gruesome definition).
Later that year he pulled his pants down while staring at a 14-year-old girl in the children’s section of a public library. (More like pubic library – ‘Fun with Dick and… dick’?)
The two incidents were committed while he was already on probation for a similar offense — the second on his record. He justified his behavior by claiming that he was “under the influence of marijuana” and in case no one bought that story, that he was “commanded by Satan to masturbate”. (Best. Excuse. Ever.)
The 45-year- old denied having sexual interest in kids, but tests showed that he is aroused by young girls. Regardless, when appearing in court with his mother, (Really? With his mother? At age 45?) he apologized and insisted he won’t do it again (except, of course, if Satan commands him to, in which case, it’s go time).
Flasher Claims He Was ‘Airing His Penis’
Two teenage girls were enjoying their neighborhood park when they spotted a man on a nearby park bench with his erect penis in his hand.
The man who flashed the teenage girls explained to police that he was merely ‘airing his penis’ due to a rash. (Why you would want to publicly expose your pox-ridden genitalia in broad daylight is beyond me.)
He also denied masturbating (just scratching at his rash profusely, I guess) and stated that he had been unaware of people passing him in the park.
The man was charged with willful and obscene exposure and fined $250. His penis was not taken in for evidence nor removed for questioning…
