The 56-year-old man bought ten live eels from a local market after being told he would look years younger if he bathed with them. According to the ancient beauty tradition, the eels nibble off layers of dead skin; similar to the popular use of carp in pedicures.

When the man attempted the beauty treatment at home, a 15 cm. long eel squirmed up his urethra and straight into his bladder. He commented, “I tried to grab the eel to pull it out again but it was too slippery and disappeared.” After a three-hour operation, the eel was finally removed. Sadly, the eel was killed during the procedure. The penis has since sworn revenge against his lover’s attackers.

Disturbed, the neighbor shouted, interrupting the crime of passion only momentarily. The perp pulled up his pants and left, but took the pool raft with him. (You can have his pool raft when you pry it from his cold, dead penis.)

When questioned by police, the man admitted to having sex with the pool raft, but claimed that he “has a problem,” (ya think???) and that he “needs help.” The discarded raft was found marooned in a backyard. The police investigation continues to determine whether the sex between the man and the raft was consensual.

In an interview with local press, the dog’s owner (who apparently speaks very broken English) commented, “When the dog grab on to his penis, he was trying to push off di dog but di dog dragged it and run off with it and drop di piece that him bite off. When wi wake up di next day, dem did a look for it but it seems like ants or something like dat must gone with it“.

Since the attack, the man was heard telling someone about his bandaged penis, “Look how it likkle and a eight stitches hold in deh.” (I think that means it’s really small now, like, Irishman small…)

The driver, a devout Catholic, had kept the small Greek cross in his cab for years without problem and was shocked when he received his first-ever complaint, made by what turned out to be a 15-year-old on his way to school who saw the cross and couldn’t help but associate it with genitalia.

Local authorities took the wisenheimer’s complaint seriously and ordered it removed. Upon realizing they were taking advice from a pubescent punk, authorities realized they handled the issue badly.

This was particularly obvious when later that same day, on the other side of town, the council forced a local baker to remove his skullcap after a 13-year-old complained that his head was too reminiscent of “a giant tit.” (Well, he did have a point…)

The maid reported the incident in June, telling authorities that the perp was making sexual advances toward her and she felt uncomfortable. The man later told her that Satan must have been behind his actions. He was apologetic and asked for her forgiveness, stating that he didn’t get any enjoyment out of it (suspect) and hadn’t had sex since the 1980s (NOT suspect).

After his arrest, the man denied ever having grabbed the victim. Instead, he alleged that she was angry because he was going to fire her. He continued that she tried to swing at him, but hit him in the groin and that he grabbed her hand as it was on his penis. (Many missed swings have ended this way.) During the police interview, the suspect added that he MAY have kept her hand on his penis longer than necessary.

The study indicated that 43% of the men surveyed hadn’t seen their penis in the last two years (without looking in a mirror or bending over) while 16% were unable to remember the last time they saw it. (When was the last Olympics?)

Of the 2,000 men chosen for the survey:

• 30% of men surveyed admitted to drinking alcohol three times a week
• One in ten admitted to boozing on a daily basis
• 21% rarely pay attention to what they eat – rising to 29% amongst 35-44 year old men
• One in ten men never exercise
• 52% would lose weight if they were constantly embarrassed about the way they looked
• 36% of those interviewed would only lose weight if they grew man boobs
• 52% would only lose weight if they received a serious health warning from their doctor
• 35% would take action if they were unable to have sex for an extended period of time
• 25 % would shed the pounds after consistent nagging from their partner
• 21% would lose weight if they were unable to do up their shoe laces

Moreover, the study also showed that British men would consider other options BEFORE losing weight and being able to see their penis again. 34% of men would resort to creative shaving in order to make the length of their genitals appear larger, 19% would turn off the lights and 13% would even consider a penis pump before losing weight. With regard to the survey, one medical professional stated, “A man who is not able to see his willy should think seriously about his health.” Thanks, Captain Obvious!  (And cheers, fat-asses!)

In a story published by the China Times, the 51-year-old man from Taiwan sat down to do his business when he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and immediately stood up. When he looked down, he spotted a big snake (and it wasn’t his dick).

Medical staff at a local hospital said the man received only minor injuries and would be released as soon as he has passed the risk of infection.

The facility’s medical director stated,  “A snake’s mouth isn’t always clean.” (Theirs aren’t the only ones!) Local television reports showed a black and yellow reptile, a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and removed from the toilet. (What the hell did that crazy Chinaman eat?) Turns out the rat snake was inspired by the @BronxZoosCobra, his elusive cousin.

The worker sued the company which made the peeler machine, used to cut foam for carpet padding, but it was Future Foam that had removed the protective guarding intended to prevent workers from injury, in violation state/federal regulations. The victim had been instructed to change out the foam core on the peeler machine when the surgically sharp steel blade was exposed and activated, cutting off his cock and balls. The man is now seeking punitive damages from Future Foam for negligence, strict liability, disfigurement, loss of capacity for the enjoyment of life, medical expenses, loss of earnings, and loss of earning capacity. He is also seeking a new penis.

A fashion show in London displayed collections inspired by rituals, costumes, or traditional Roman Catholic carnivals marking the beginning of Lent. The look translated into loose fitting sportswear, draped with fabrics, etc.

New Power Studio took this one step further with creative new head ware: penises and breasts made out of PVC. Could the trend take off? Maybe… in the gay community… Check out more here.

However, during a clothed pat-down, officers said they found a small bag of cocaine tied to the waistband of Banks’ boxers. Following that discovery, a strip search was conducted and officers found another small bag of crack cocaine concealed in the foreskin of the suspect’s penis.

The suspect was originally arrested after a traffic stop led to the discovery of a bag of salvia and liquid codeine. He was arrested on charges of second-degree possession of a controlled substance and possession of synthetic cannabinoid agonists or piperazines. Sources say that in addition to the drugs, police also found a glazed ham, a collection of commemorative plates, and a small Mexican family in the foreskin of the penis, all of which are all currently being detained for questioning.