What’s pink, floats, and looks good enough to have sex with? One man would say the answer is his neighbor’s pool raft. A 32-year-old man from OH was arrested for allegedly having sex with a neighbor’s pink inflatable raft in an alley. The neighbor reported that he spotted the man on top of the raft with his pants “down around his ankles.”
Disturbed, the neighbor shouted, interrupting the crime of passion only momentarily. The perp pulled up his pants and left, but took the pool raft with him. (You can have his pool raft when you pry it from his cold, dead penis.)
When questioned by police, the man admitted to having sex with the pool raft, but claimed that he “has a problem,” (ya think???) and that he “needs help.” The discarded raft was found marooned in a backyard. The police investigation continues to determine whether the sex between the man and the raft was consensual.
Floridian drivers got a surprise drive-by peep show Monday afternoon when they had to swerve to avoid a woman crawling naked in the middle of the road with total disregard to traffic.
Cops stated that a crowd had gathered to watch the woman “crawling on her hands and knees as vehicles swerved to avoid hitting her” and that “at one point, she rolled onto her back and spread her legs; she then continued crawling around.”
Authorities managed to get her out of harm’s way with minimal resistance and the 32-year-old was taken to a local medical center. Theories included that the woman was playing a naked version of human Frogger, but she then informed police that she’d been on a cocaine binge (shocker) and is now facing charges of disturbing the peace and criminal mischief. (Though somehow escaped charges of indecent exposure? Suspect…)
…And change, and a small Mexican family. Police apprehended a woman from PA after she crashed her car while robbing a local inn. The search that ensued resulted in the discovery of a sizable stash of drugs and cash hidden in her vagina. According to a report in the Scranton Times-Tribune, authorities were called to the scene of a car accident where the suspect was arrested on suspicion of theft.
Initially, police found only three bags of heroin in her jacket. But after they escorted the woman to the station, the police noticed her fidgeting in the back seat (presumably with her vagina). She then admitted to police that she had more drugs in her genitals.
The doctor who performed the second search removed 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, eight prescription pills and $51.22 in cash and change. (Frankly, I’m impressed; clearly she’s in the wrong line of work: #vaginalmarypoppins.)
The woman was charged for possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and two counts of possession of a controlled substance. On the plus side though, she’s got a decent shot at ‘World’s Largest Snatch’ in the Guinness’ Book of World Records.
Man Charged with Making Genitals Disappear
A Nigerian court has ordered a 48-year-old man to reappear on allegations of “making some persons’ genitals disappear“. (I seriously need this guy’s email… also the whereabouts of a few exes.) The suspect plead ‘not guilty‘ to allegations of causing the disappearance of genitals in four men from Damongo. Police reported that the men’s genitals were intact, but appeared to have mysteriously shrunk; unable to erect. The victims have been ordered to see a urologist at the local hospital.
One of the victims, an errand boy, testified (emphasis on testi) that he spent the night with the suspect and awoke at midnight to find his guest fondling his penis, chanting incantations. In the morning, the victim found that his penis had been drastically reduced in size and he could not achieve an erection. He reported the incident to police, leading to the suspect’s arrest. Three other men then came forward (pun intended), complaining of the same. This is apparently not the first time reports of allegedly missing genitals in parts of the country were received. Your penis has been sufficiently warned: Stay away from Nigerian witchdoctors who fondle at midnight.
Dad Hacks off Penis of Daughter’s Boyfriend
Next time your girlfriend’s father warns you to stay away from his daughter, you’d better listen. A man in Germany was arrested after he hacked off his teen daughter’s boyfriend’s penis with a bread knife.
The man had approached police for help in keeping a 57-year-old man away from his 17-year-old daughter.
The police responded that they couldn’t do anything to keep the man away from teen, so the concerned father cut his dick off and kept his severed testicles as a memento. (That should help.)
Police rushed to the victim’s house and saved the man’s life. The father says plans to plead guilty when he goes on trial for attempted murder.
Nude Burglar Had Mouse in his Rectum
If you’re going to rob a private home, make sure you have A.) A disguise, B.) A weapon, C.) Removed all clothing, D.) A mouse up your ass. Police in South Carolina say a naked burglary suspect appeared to be on drugs and was found to have a mouse lodged in his rectum. Cops reported that they responded to a home on a report of a burglary and discovered the 31-year-old suspect lying naked, face down in the doorway of the home.
In order to obtain the suspect’s cooperation and remove him from the home, authorities employed the use of a taser to no effect More police were then called to the scene to confront the suspect who had moved to the victim’s bedroom. He was finally wrestled to the ground and placed in handcuffs and leg shackles.
Authorities reported that the suspect appeared to be under the influence of magic mushrooms and was taken to a nearby hospital, where an X-ray discovered a mouse in his rectum. The suspect stated that he could not remember the events leading to his arrest. Nevertheless, he was charged with resisting arrest, assault and battery, and indecent exposure. The mouse was held for questioning. Big shout out to @Jessmypet for sending along the story!
Man Bites Friend’s Penis Off in Argument
Next time a crazy friend asks to borrow your trailer, let him; especially if he has sharp teeth. A 53-year old Polish man was attacked by his friend after an argument over a trailer.
After refusing to allow his friend to borrow the vehicle, the ‘friend’ began to hit the man with a chain. The victim continued that his assailant then “pulled down my trousers and started biting. It was agony.”
Medical professional and police were unable to find the missing penis and have since surmised that the attacker may have swallowed it. (Insert vomit here.) One doctor commented, “If we’d had the other bit of his penis we could have sewn it back on.”
Seems like the perp left doctors AND the victim stumped (womp womp womp – muted trumpet soundbyte.) The suspect is now facing 10 years in jail.
Police Try to Help Man with Crotch Cut
First stop: ER for crotch repair; next stop: jail… Cops responding to a domestic disturbance at an apartment in GA heard a man threaten to kill someone, only to beg for help seconds later. They found him lying in a pool of blood, nursing a huge cut to his scrotum. He had different stories about how he wound up on the floor bleeding from between his legs. (Oddly they didn’t question who he threatened to kill.)
The officers called for an ambulance and learned the man was wanted for a felony probation violation. When paramedics arrived, the man refused treatment. Instead he questioned, “Is this really necessary?” (Personally, if I had a gaping hole in my crotch that was NOT my related to existing orifices, I’d be slightly less contentious with emergency medical technicians…) Refusing to cooperate, an officer finally handcuffed him and took him to the hospital in the back of his patrol car.
Once in an examination room, the man proceeded to curse out female nurses so badly that the hospital assigned a male nurse to deal with him. He then spit in the face of another police officer. After his release he was charged with disorderly conduct, simple battery on a police officer (for spitting) and probation violation. The moral of the story is: If you’re already wanted for probation violations, don’t injure your crotch, curse out a nurse, and spit at a cop.
Man Uses Leaf Blower Naked from Waist Down
You know your leaf blower is working when you look down and aren’t wearing pants. A 67-year-old man from Scarsdale (well, we’re all a bit scarred now) was arrested after he was seen using an electric leaf blower with his twig and berries on public display. The New Yorker was doing his lawn work naked from the waist down when police were called to his residence.
Responding to a complaint of the offending view, cops spoke with the man, who responded that he was free to do as he wanted on his property. Just to show him how wrong he could be, the man was arrested and taken to local police station for processing. He’s now being charged with public lewdness.
Jury Acquits Costume ‘Flasher’
If you’re going to flash a group of kids, you better mean it, Buster. A Floridian man was accused of exposing himself in front of a school bus filled with high school students, but as it turns out, he never actually showed his junk. According to police, the 22-year-old didn’t expose himself as alleged, but rather employed the use of a Halloween costume featuring a large fake penis.
The costume had been given to him by a co-worker who said it was made by a 90-year-old woman. (Because 90-year-old women sewing together synthetic cocks is a completely normal, common thing.) The man stated that he had intended to get a laugh, but it was a joke no one found funny. (No one except me…)
The young man faced 30 years in prison if convicted of lewd and lascivious exposure in front of two 14-year-old boys, who thought they had seen a real penis. (I guess their own genitalia isn’t helping them to determine the difference between a real one and a fake one just yet.) The defendant also faced being listed as a sex offender for the rest of his life, but was acquitted since the two boys couldn’t prove that they had seen a real penis.
