Quite possibly the luckiest human being alive, a 36-year-old woman with a chemical imbalance that triggers severe anxiety and hypersexuality recently won a court case to openly masturbate and watch porn at her place of business.
The Brazilian accountant began having problems at work when she realized that the only way to relieve her extreme level of anxiety was by masturbating; often. With regard to her condition, the woman stated, “I got so bad I would masturbate up to forty seven-times a day. That’s when I asked for help, I knew it wasn’t normal.”
The woman sought professional medical help and then won a court battle to be legally permitted to masturbate and watch porn at her desk computer. Following the lawsuit, and thanks to an entire cabinet of meds, she now only has to rub one out round eighteen-times a day. Now her (lucky) colleagues and local corporate pervs get to watch her openly get off at her designated work space while on their way to the loo.
Is Cybersex Cheating on Your Partner?
With the onset of the Interweb, it’s become easy to engage in all types of sexual activity; surfing porn, meeting anonymously in chatrooms for banter, in hotel rooms for sex, sharing graphic images and engaging in mutual masturbation with strangers via webcams. This brings up the question: Is cybersex cheating on your partner?
If you asked my (asshole) ex, he’d say definitely. I disagreed for the win, pointing out that it’s not cheating if you never see or speak with the person. Then it would seem that cybersex is more innocent than porn, which I also have no problem with. (He also referred to smoking weed as ‘doing pot‘; enough said.) What do you think? Does sitting at your computer and engaging in sexual activity with someone on the Internet constitute infidelity?
Sure, being in a car can get frustrating: the stop lights, the traffic, the road rage… Some people relax by listening to music. Others decide to watch porn and play with themselves with the help of sex toys.
A 36-year-old woman from Cincinnati was pulled over for a traffic stop when police noticed that the woman had her pants unbuttoned and a vibrator in her lap.
After being questioned, the woman admitted to masturbating while driving, as well as watching porn on a laptop in the passenger seat. Just to make the party complete. she also had a “broken piece of crack pipe” in her purse.
The woman has been charged with driving with impaired alertness and possession of drug paraphernalia. If you think she sounds like a good time and you’d like to meet her, just check out her mug shot shown here and think again…
Filmmakers Tout 1st 3D Porn
Back in the day it was hard to imagine how porn could possibly get any better; then came DVD porn (pun intended). It’s been some time now since anyone has been able to improve upon that, but the Hong Kongese just raised the bar: porn in 3-D! Now all the sucking and fucking can be yours in 3 dimensions with the first ever 3D porno film developed by Hong Kong filmmakers
The $3.2 million project entitled, “3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy” stars Japanese adult actresses and is based on classic Chinese erotic fiction. The film follows a young man through the realm of three dimensional “orgies, swinging and some very graphic sex scenes“, according to sources. The film is scheduled to be released in May and will be sold in Japan, Korea, Southeast Asia and via pay-per-view in Hong Kong. Hot on the digital band wagon, it’s rumored that Hustler is working on a 3-D porno-spoof of Avatar, while Italian director, Tinto Brass, is planning a 3D version of his 1979 erotic film, Caligula.
Broken Penises On the Rise
Ok, so broken penises don’t exactly rise. Nevertheless, hospitals are reporting an increase in the number of fractured penises caused by rough sex; particularly in Jamaica. A urologist from Kingston Public Hospital said he was now treating up to two cases a month. What’s the cause?
Experts believe that everyday Joes are trying to fuck like porn stars, but without the technical skills necessary for the advanced level of intercourse. Bad aim can apparently bend your junk in an odd angle and if done hard enough, this can cause a fracture to the shaft of the penis; a serious medical condition.
So you think you’ve fractured your dick. Now what? Well, first you’re going to want to diagnose the problem.
Symptoms: It hurts like hell. You may also hear a pop on contact, followed by excessive swelling and/or bruising. If you suspect that your cock is banged up (pun intended), immediately consult professional help (not a hooker, but a doctor). Left untreated, a fractured penis can cause impotence or deformation.
Taking ‘play area’ literally, a 38-year-old man was arrested for looking at porn while jerking off at a Madison, WI Mickey D’s. The man used his laptop to watch porn while about 20 children were playing. Apparently, one of the other parents became suspicious when it became obvious that the man had no children in the play area. (Because if he did have kids playing, looking at porn and jerking off would have been fine…)
The concerned parent told police that he saw a man looking at a porn and typing with one hand, while masturbating with the other (add multitasking to his resumé). The responding officer confirmed witnessing the same. Upon his arrest, the suspect admitted to exercising bad judgment. (Ya think???)
Porn for the Blind
It suddenly sucks slightly less to be blind since a new publisher just released a version of porn for the blind. The first-ever porn especially made for blind people features explicit braille and raised images of nude men and women. Author Lisa Murphy commented that although Playboy has an edition with braille lettering, no pictures are included. She stated that, “The blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual images.” But not anymore.
Selling at $225, Tactile Mind includes raised pictures such as a woman with perfect breasts, a man with an uncircumcised penis and a “satanic ram”. (Ok, they lost me with the ram.) Faces in the book are either masked or blocked out, but the bodies are highly detailed and realistic. To see more ‘feelies‘, click here.
A gChat About the Legend of The Chode
5:50 PM Count Cenci: Chodes have fascinated me for years, mainly because I’m pretty sure they don’t exist.
me: Well I can say that I’ve never seen one.
Count Cenci: As heterosexual man, I have encountered penis in the locker room, but it’s not something I have studied.
5:51 PM me: It’s probably best…
Count Cenci: Here’s why I think they’re a complete fabrication: I’ve never even met a girl that HAS seen one. Except for those girls that always say things when you’re at the bar to make them sound exotic, when you know they aren’t. I used to argue vehemently that chodes did exist…mainly because I don’t want to live in a world where they don’t.
me: I concur.
Count Cenci: Just for the readers, a chode is penis that is wider than it is long. Picture an ashtray or something equivalent to that. A tiny penis is not necessarily a chode.
5:55 PM me: As a woman, I can’t see how this would be satisfying, even in porn.
Count Cenci: Can we agree that a chode almost always has to be small? Actually not even almost always; always always.
5:56 PM me: Judges? They’ll allow it!
Count Cenci: Excellent. Now to continue.
me: Have you seen a picture of one?
Count Cenci: Beat me to it, forgive the pun. I have searched the interwebs high and low and seen more tiny penises than I ever wish to. Actually more penises than I would ever want to, and not a single chode.
5:58 PM me: Well, well, well. Google doesn’t seem to have all the answers after all. I’m sure this would be a unique differentiator for Bing. Perhaps a corporate letter to tip them off – again (p)unintended. Google needs to be taken down a peg or two.
Count Cenci: You can find everything online now. I actually found some porn of a woman sticking cockroaches in her snatch. I mean everything is out there. I even asked a buddy with more Internet knowledge than I and we both agreed: No chodes on the Internet. Maybe all the poor saps that have chodes are pulling a Murdoch and demanding Google pay them.
6:00 PM So let’s making the sweeping generalization that chodes aren’t anywhere on the Internet.
me: Not even: http://chode.com/ Although that yielded interesting results…
6:01 PM Count Cenci: Yes, it did. Maybe http://chode.org? Again a strange site.
me: Yes, still not very helpful. But perhaps The Chode is like God. You can never prove its existence, but some just believe.
Count Cenci: WOW. That’s the best explanation in all my the chode conversations I’ve ever had.
me: Now we’s gettin’ deep.
Count Cenci: Was that another (p)unintentional pun?
me: If you please!
Count Cenci: I have a hypothesis about the few women who have claimed they’ve seen chodes. Again, these women said such things probably to appear more exotic. They probably encountered an unusually thick and short penis. They’re out there. Right now I am pushing my fist into my palm, where it immediately falls out. That’s the hand movement I am implying.
me: First, who in their right mind would actually admit to that? And second, well that second part made no sense.
6:10 PM Count Cenci: The penis is too thick and short to actually penetrate the vaginal wall (in this analogy my palm–and my fist being the squat dick).
me: Yes, yes I see the problem.
Count Cenci: A serious problem that probably makes less secure women feel terrible and even more insecure.
me: Sort of a round hole square peg problem. Only the square peg is just an abnormally thick cock.
6:12 PM Count Cenci: Correctamundo! 1000 Starwood points for The $@bs. You’re doing a good job cutting through my endlessly rambling brain.
6:13 PM me: I must admit, until today, I had never heard of The Chode. Frankly, I’m embarrassed.
Count Cenci: My theory/postulate/whatever is that the chode was actually invented by these women, who, when faced with a particularly think and short penis decided, “Nah fuck that. Let’s just call it a chode and make people think there are penises out there which are wider than they are long.‘ They. Do. Not. Exist.
6:17 PM me: Pls hold
6:18 PM me: And we’re back
6:19 PM Count Cenci: That was like gChat blue balls. Now I just want a camel light and a cold shower
6:20 PM me: ROFL. My apologies! But bake to chodes. I wouldn’t be sorry if they didn’t exist. I’d be fucking scarred for life if I ever actually saw one in real life. An animated one might be ok though… something by Disney?
Man With World’s Largest Penis Unemployed
Just exactly how large is the world’s biggest male member? According to an HBO documentary, right around 13.5 inches. It cums as no surprise then (pun intended), that the owner of this impressive piece of equipment, Jonah Falcon, is an aspiring actor.
What is surprising, however, is that he has rejected the obvious career choice for a man of his standing (on 3 legs): Porn. I know, kind of a waste of … um, natural talent. Why? Two reason: First, he stated “If I did porn, nobody would take me seriously. Nobody. And Nobody would care about the size of my penis.”
And secondly, “Because porn actors all lie about the size of their penis. I’ve been measured on TV.”
Instead he’d rather swing his thing around the unemployment line. Make sense to anyone? Yea, me neither, but apparently the man (to end all men) is still seeking employment.
I wonder if he’d consider a (very) private company…
A mother is in shock after discovering nude pictures on the camera she purchased for her daughter. The woman said she bought the camera 3 years ago at Walmart as a gift for her 13-year-old daughter for Christmas. But something went very wrong Christmas morning when the teenager turned on the camera.
On the camera’s internal memory were four pictures of a nude woman in various poses. The girl saw the photos, and ran downstairs to show her parents. She stated, “I was really disgusted, embarrassed and grossed out.” (I would feel similarly if I just showed my parents porn…)
The mother said a police officer friend verified the pictures were shot before she bought the camera. After finding the pictures, the woman hired an attorney, whose investigation led back to Walmart.
Walmart admits it resells returned items if they appear to be in new condition and in the original packaging. But company officials said all digital items returned to the store are checked twice before being resold. Walmart officials state that they work hard to make sure customers get merchandise in the condition they expect (or in this case, better). A civil trial in the incident begins next week. The woman’s attorney is seeking an undisclosed amount in damages. (Just how ugly was the woman photographed that her nudity resulted in emotional scarring?)
