Four Stages of Orgasm
If you thought orgasm was just wham, bam, warm and sticky liquids everywhere, well apparently that’s not all there is to it. An article in The Eye Opener states that there are actually four stages to every orgasm, for both men and women. First comes the excitement phase (pun intended). This stage is associated with increased heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure. As the body prepares for sex, the nipples usually get hard. (Yay-ya!)
The second stage is the plateau phase, where muscles begin to tense up. According to the article, in this stage “women will find the tissues of the outer third of the vagina will swell. Men pre-ejaculate.” The third stage, everyone’s favorite of course, is the actual orgasm phase. Marked by pleasurable moans and groans, this stage also includes muscle contractions in the lower pelvic muscles and involuntary actions. (Like a bitch slap?) During 4th phase, resolution, muscles relax, blood pressure drops and the body calms down. Evidently, for some (and I’m thinking I’m one of them), this can take as long as a full 24 hours.
Get ready to barf; repeatedly. A 53-year-old man from Michigan has been charged for criminal sexual conduct after having a three-way with a 21-year-old mentally impaired woman (ewe) and her mother (double ewe). The man initially met the older woman in an online chat room back in ’07 and they’d had sex a bunch of times before involving the woman’s daughter.
The mentally challenged young woman has difficulty tying her shoes, cooking herself a meal, showering and dressing properly. She’s not able to live alone and has the IQ of a 10 year old (though I really don’t think a ten year old would want to have sex with the guy pictured here.) The judge hearing the case ruled that there’s enough evidence to convict the man on three counts of criminal sexual conduct. The 46-year-old mother is serving time in prison after pleading no guilty to third-degree criminal sexual conduct. To read the completely sickening article, click here.
Literal Nutcase Cuts Off His Own Testicles
For one man, true love means cutting off your balls for no particular reason. One seriously disturbed farmer cut off his testicles with a razor blade and sewed up the wound with thread in order to remain faithful to his wife. Apparently the farmer and his wife haven’t had sex in some time. Fearing that he might stray, he commented that,
“I did it because I haven’t had intimate contact with my wife in six years and because of my Christian beliefs, I took a razor blade and cut off my testicle. I sewed up [the wound] with needle and thread that I use on cows and pigs, so that I wouldn’t cheat on my wife.”
He then justified his actions by quoting the Gospel of St Matthew, Chapter 18, verses 8 and 9:
“Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.”
(I’d just like to point out for the record that no where in the text does it even mention a single testicle.) The farmer was hospitalized two days later when the damaged area became infected and doctors had to remove a blood clot from the remains of the man’s testicles.
Sexomniac Starts Support Site
One woman suffers from a weird disorder which turns her into a sex addict, but only when she’s sleeping. The disorder, known as sexsomnia, compels her to engage in sexual acts and touch herself while sleeping — but she remembers nothing the next day. (Not exactly sure how this is a problem yet – so far sounds like a good night of drinking.)
The condition is so rare that at first she struggled to convince anyone she had no control over it. She first discovered the disorder in 1999 when her ex boyfriend confronted her. She stated that: “Out of the blue one evening he asked me why I played with myself at night”. (You think he’d me more concerned if she didn’t play with herself at night.)
The woman sought help from numerous doctors and psychologists who were not able to help her since they had never heard of her condition. Doctors offered her muscle relaxers (naturally), but she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life on medication. So she set up her own website six years ago after doctors failed to work out what was wrong.
Don’t get too excited, it’s not that kind of site (too bad cuz she could have been turning lemons into million dollar lemonade). Instead she created a support site to find others who suffer from the condition. She further commented that “There are no official figures on how many people suffer from sexsomnia but I’ve spoken to hundreds of men and women from all walks of life with the same condition.” I smell a dating web site for sexomniacs not far off…
Taxi Driver Beaten by Sex Couple
A cab driver took a beat down with a high heel shoe after he refused to leave the car so a couple could have sex in the back seat. The couple, a 25 year old male and 23 year old female, allegedly hailed the taxi early Halloween. (Maybe they were just dressed up as people trying to have sex.)
They directed the taxi driver toward a destination, and upon arrival they allegedly demanded he leave the car so they could have sex. Police reported that they then told the driver to get in the passenger seat before driving him to another town.
At this point, the driver took the opportunity to call for help. The couple then attacked the driver, punching him in the head and hitting him with a high heel shoe, refusing to pay the $72 fare.
The pair fled on foot but was later found nearby by police. Both have been charged with aggravated assault, illegal use of a taxi and failure to pay the fare. The taxi driver received a chipped tooth in the attack (plus, no peep show).
Trash Bin Tryst Thwarted By Thieves
So this couple was caught f*cking in a dumpster… big whoop; we already read a similar story back in April. Oh, but there’s a twist to this new story: Apparently the dirty deed (literally) in a Wichita trash bin went awry when the couple found themselves held up at knife-point.
Police say the two 44-year-olds were engaged in intercourse when men interrupted them and demanded their belongings, including their shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet.
Police also stated that the robbers were a 64-year-old man (who evidently found no need to retire) and his 59-year-old companion. The suspects were found a short time later and the stolen property was returned.
“It’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that”.
Fireman Burns Down Apt During ‘Hot’ Sex
In an ironic twist of fate, a retired fireman accidentally set fire to his own residence in a fit of passion when throwing a cigarette as he made love to his spouse. The 63 year old man said that he and his 56-year-old wife were in mid dirty deed when flames forced them to run naked from their Miami apartment. The man shamefully reflected on the 37 years he spent as a fireman discussing the dangers of smoking in bed, as he desperately attempted to put out the blaze.
His wife noted that, ”After three or four pans of water it kept getting worse. I didn’t have any baking soda so I grabbed some mashed potatoes, and then I grabbed some bread crumbs and it was starting to get better but by then the smoke was so bad you couldn’t see.“ The man was able to pull his wife to safety before her lungs collapsed and they were given clothes once they managed to escape the fire.
On the bright side, the wife is taking bids for her new recipe for smoke-flavored mashed potatoes with toasted breadcrumbs. Currently the highest bidder is Burger King (home of the flame-broiled Whopper, the result of a similar incident…)
People who see fireworks when they kiss pale in comparison to those who see lighting when they f*ck. A couple from western Germany decided to take their make out session from the car to some bushes in the woods nearby when a storm ensued.
Ignoring the rolling thunder and teeming rain, the couple continued their amorous endeavors when suddenly a bolt of lightning struck the ground, making the earth move under the lovemaking couple. (PS. Earth shattering sex = WHITE HOT, well unless it results in death.)
Scared witless, they ran naked through the torrential downpour and lost their way in the woods. A motorist contacted authorities, reporting that he’d seen the nude duo wandering around in the dark. Officers called to the scene found the pair naked and shivering, helped them into dry clothes and took them home. Their clothes still remain at large.
My personal theory: I think the lightning was goin’ for a threesome (horny b*stard).
Study Shows Monkeys Barter for Sex
Perhaps the origins of “quid pro quo“, a new study examining monkey sex (pervs) found that male macaques groom their female counterparts in exchange for sex. The research was based on 20-months of observation in a nature reserve in Indonesia and found that females are at least three times more likely to copulate with a male if he grooms her first. This makes sense to me because I’d definitely be more likely to give it up after a day at the spa.
The study also showed that the males compete for female attention by investing more time grooming. Scientists refer to this practice as the biological market. (I’m so stealing that to refer to bars such as those in the meat-packing district. Sorry, doctors, no royalties.)
$@bs
