Naked Woman Falls Through Roof During Sex
If you’re worried about your next roll in the hay ending with a bang, just try fucking on the rooftop. A woman from Aberdeen crashed naked through a roof while having sex with her boyfriend. According to sources, the pair smashed through a window on the third floor and stripped when they reached the roof of the Bridge Street flats.
A building worker in an empty shop below commented, “They made a hell of a racket. They put me off my work.” (Listening to people fucking often does – sounds like it was a good time, minus crashing through the roof).
The rooftop romp ended in tears when the woman fell through the roof 60 feet. The police, ambulance and fire brigade were called to the scene, though fortunately the woman suffered only minor injuries despite the fall. She was released after being checked out at a local hospital. Oddly enough, weathermen in the area had predicted that it would rain naked bitches that very same day…
Man Charged For Sex With Picnic Table
Nothing says summer like having sex in the outdoors, right? One man from Bellevue, OH, thinks so. But you may want to opt for a living human being instead of a metallic inanimate object… The 40-year-old was arrested after a neighbor videotaped him sexually engaged with a metal picnic table. He was seen fucking the table on at least four separate occasions. (Well at least it wasn’t a one night stand, but he should really treat it to dinner.)
How do you fuck a table? Authorities noted that the table had a hole in the middle intended for an umbrella. The (married) father of three is now facing felony counts of public indecency since his residence is in close proximity to an elementary school. The district’s police captain commented, “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes around.” Yea, inside a picnic table, apparently. Kudos to RogBo for hookin’ us up with the unforgettable article!
Broken Penises On the Rise
Ok, so broken penises don’t exactly rise. Nevertheless, hospitals are reporting an increase in the number of fractured penises caused by rough sex; particularly in Jamaica. A urologist from Kingston Public Hospital said he was now treating up to two cases a month. What’s the cause?
Experts believe that everyday Joes are trying to fuck like porn stars, but without the technical skills necessary for the advanced level of intercourse. Bad aim can apparently bend your junk in an odd angle and if done hard enough, this can cause a fracture to the shaft of the penis; a serious medical condition.
So you think you’ve fractured your dick. Now what? Well, first you’re going to want to diagnose the problem.
Symptoms: It hurts like hell. You may also hear a pop on contact, followed by excessive swelling and/or bruising. If you suspect that your cock is banged up (pun intended), immediately consult professional help (not a hooker, but a doctor). Left untreated, a fractured penis can cause impotence or deformation.
Cow Seduces Man
Ever wonder why the cow isn’t holy in America? Maybe it’s because they
are evil, seducing temptresses…
An Indonesian man claims he was seduced by a cow into having sex with it. The 18-year-old young man was caught by his neighbor last week having sex with the cow and insists that he didn’t see a cow but a beautiful young woman. He claims, “she called my name and seduced me, so I had sex with her”.
The man was forced to marry the cow and then was bathed while the cow was drowned in the ocean. (I’m not sure which is worse, being forced into bovine marriage, or the fact that they killed his new wife during their honeymoon.) Sources actually documented that it remains unclear whether vows were exchanged before the cow was killed.
The bridegroom was fined 2,000 old coins; the traditional punishment, while the village chief paid the owner of the cow 5 million rupiah (about $545) as compensation (for the cow’s services?).
How do you motivate a bunch of bad-ass underage punks to go over to The Good side? Why, an orgy, of course! A juvenile detention facility outside of Albany is under investigation for rewarding good behavior for inmates with a sex orgy, according to one former employee of the center.
The issue was brought to light when the employee came forward after he was asked to pick up a 15-year-old girl and her friend and to bring them to the facility to attend a dance. The girls had been requested by two inmates who evidently had never met either of them, but had gotten their names from another (teen) inmate. The two girls are now believed to be prostitutes.
The dance was immediately brought to a halt when the guard manning the surveillance cameras raised the alarm he saw, “… a girl getting her pants pulled down. I saw her red g-string panties almost being pulled off”. Authorities commented that an investigation in the juvenile detention center is on-going. The red g-string refused to comment and remains at large.
Two Men Caught Having Sex at Kmart
I know, Kmart often has that effect on me too – it might be the Martha Stewart Collection, not sure. Regardless, two men were arrested after a Kmart manager heard moaning sounds coming from the men’s bathroom. (They don’t call it “The Big K” for nothing, I guess). The manager contacted local police and reported two men engaged in a sexual act in one of the stalls.
When questioned, the men told police that they didn’t know each other and denied the incident. However, one of the men had gloves, condoms and lotion in his right pocket.The two men, a 58-year-old and a 59-year-old, are now facing charges of disorderly conduct.
Apparently, three other men were arrested at the same Kmart for soliciting sex earlier this year, so it must be on Craigslist or something; though I didn’t see anything about this particular bathroom in the Men Seeking Men section. The glory-hole in the men’s bathroom at Washington Square Park, however…
Flavorful sex seems like a win-win scenario, but unfortunately, this combo doesn’t translate very well laytexically speaking. First of all, I don’t know that my vagina has a preference of flavor during intercourse (well, except maybe chocolate, obviously). The concept of flavored condoms seems to make sense in that encouraging safe sex is always a good idea.
Sadly, in case you haven’t heard (in which case, you probably already have kids), flavored condoms are not designed for sex and often fail when used as the only form of protection. Because the packaging on flavored condoms contains no warning signs to inform users of this fact, people often assume that flavored condoms are an effective method of birth control. But besides being completely ineffective, flavored condoms pose other risks.
Flavored condoms are coated with glycerin, sodium saccharine or aspartame. Why not just dip your dick into a diet soft drink before fucking? It’s just as useful as a flavored condom. Never mind that artificial sweeteners have been linked to cancer. Plus the sugar-like substances act as drying agents and counteracts any lubrication – and nobody wants that. So it seems that these condoms are meant for your mouth, which, unless you’re a hooker, seems unnecessary during oral sex. (Same goes for you, Flavored Dental Dam).
Four Stages of Orgasm
If you thought orgasm was just wham, bam, warm and sticky liquids everywhere, well apparently that’s not all there is to it. An article in The Eye Opener states that there are actually four stages to every orgasm, for both men and women. First comes the excitement phase (pun intended). This stage is associated with increased heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure. As the body prepares for sex, the nipples usually get hard. (Yay-ya!)
The second stage is the plateau phase, where muscles begin to tense up. According to the article, in this stage “women will find the tissues of the outer third of the vagina will swell. Men pre-ejaculate.” The third stage, everyone’s favorite of course, is the actual orgasm phase. Marked by pleasurable moans and groans, this stage also includes muscle contractions in the lower pelvic muscles and involuntary actions. (Like a bitch slap?) During 4th phase, resolution, muscles relax, blood pressure drops and the body calms down. Evidently, for some (and I’m thinking I’m one of them), this can take as long as a full 24 hours.
Get ready to barf; repeatedly. A 53-year-old man from Michigan has been charged for criminal sexual conduct after having a three-way with a 21-year-old mentally impaired woman (ewe) and her mother (double ewe). The man initially met the older woman in an online chat room back in ’07 and they’d had sex a bunch of times before involving the woman’s daughter.
The mentally challenged young woman has difficulty tying her shoes, cooking herself a meal, showering and dressing properly. She’s not able to live alone and has the IQ of a 10 year old (though I really don’t think a ten year old would want to have sex with the guy pictured here.) The judge hearing the case ruled that there’s enough evidence to convict the man on three counts of criminal sexual conduct. The 46-year-old mother is serving time in prison after pleading no guilty to third-degree criminal sexual conduct. To read the completely sickening article, click here.
Literal Nutcase Cuts Off His Own Testicles
For one man, true love means cutting off your balls for no particular reason. One seriously disturbed farmer cut off his testicles with a razor blade and sewed up the wound with thread in order to remain faithful to his wife. Apparently the farmer and his wife haven’t had sex in some time. Fearing that he might stray, he commented that,
“I did it because I haven’t had intimate contact with my wife in six years and because of my Christian beliefs, I took a razor blade and cut off my testicle. I sewed up [the wound] with needle and thread that I use on cows and pigs, so that I wouldn’t cheat on my wife.”
He then justified his actions by quoting the Gospel of St Matthew, Chapter 18, verses 8 and 9:
“Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.”
(I’d just like to point out for the record that no where in the text does it even mention a single testicle.) The farmer was hospitalized two days later when the damaged area became infected and doctors had to remove a blood clot from the remains of the man’s testicles.
