How do you fuck a table? Authorities noted that the table had a hole in the middle intended for an umbrella. The (married) father of three is now facing felony counts of public indecency since his residence is in close proximity to an elementary school. The district’s police captain commented, “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes around.” Yea, inside a picnic table, apparently. Kudos to RogBo for hookin’ us up with the unforgettable article!

Experts believe that everyday Joes are trying to fuck like porn stars, but without the technical skills necessary for the advanced level of intercourse. Bad aim can apparently bend your junk in an odd angle and if done hard enough, this can cause a fracture to the shaft of the penis; a serious medical condition.

So you think you’ve fractured your dick. Now what? Well, first you’re going to want to diagnose the problem.

Symptoms: It hurts like hell. You may also hear a pop on contact, followed by excessive swelling and/or bruising. If you suspect that your cock is banged up (pun intended), immediately consult professional help (not a hooker, but a doctor). Left untreated, a fractured penis can cause impotence or deformation.

An Indonesian man claims he was seduced by a cow into having sex with it. The 18-year-old young man was caught by his neighbor last week having sex with the cow and insists that he didn’t see a cow but a beautiful young woman. He claims, “she called my name and seduced me, so I had sex with her”.

The man was forced to marry the cow and then was bathed while the cow was drowned in the ocean. (I’m not sure which is worse, being forced into bovine marriage, or the fact that they killed his new wife during their honeymoon.) Sources actually documented that it remains unclear whether vows were exchanged before the cow was killed.

The bridegroom was fined 2,000 old coins; the traditional punishment, while the village chief paid the owner of the cow 5 million rupiah (about $545) as compensation (for the cow’s services?).

The issue was brought to light when the employee came forward after he was asked to pick up a 15-year-old girl and her friend and to bring them to the facility to attend a dance. The girls had been requested by two inmates who evidently had never met either of them, but had gotten their names from another (teen) inmate. The two girls are now believed to be prostitutes.

The dance was immediately brought to a halt when the guard manning the surveillance cameras raised the alarm he saw, “… a girl getting her pants pulled down. I saw her red g-string panties almost being pulled off”. Authorities commented that an investigation in the juvenile detention center is on-going. The red g-string refused to comment and remains at large.

When questioned, the men told police that they didn’t know each other and denied the incident. However, one of the men had gloves, condoms and lotion in his right pocket.The two men, a 58-year-old and a 59-year-old, are now facing charges of disorderly conduct.

Apparently, three other men were arrested at the same Kmart for soliciting sex earlier this year, so it must be on Craigslist or something; though I didn’t see anything about this particular bathroom in the Men Seeking Men section. The glory-hole in the men’s bathroom at Washington Square Park, however…

Sadly, in case you haven’t heard (in which case, you probably already have kids), flavored condoms are not designed for sex and often fail when used as the only form of protection. Because the packaging on flavored condoms contains no warning signs to inform users of this fact, people often assume that flavored condoms are an effective method of birth control. But besides being completely ineffective, flavored condoms pose other risks.

Flavored condoms are coated with glycerin, sodium saccharine or aspartame. Why not just dip your dick into a diet soft drink before fucking? It’s just as useful as a flavored condom. Never mind that artificial sweeteners have been linked to cancer. Plus the sugar-like substances act as drying agents and counteracts any lubrication – and nobody wants that. So it seems that these condoms are meant for your mouth, which, unless you’re a hooker, seems unnecessary during oral sex. (Same goes for you, Flavored Dental Dam).

The second stage is the plateau phase, where muscles begin to tense up. According to the article, in this stage “women will find the tissues of the outer third of the vagina will swell. Men pre-ejaculate.” The third stage, everyone’s favorite of course, is the actual orgasm phase. Marked by pleasurable moans and groans, this stage also includes muscle contractions in the lower pelvic muscles and involuntary actions. (Like a bitch slap?) During 4th phase, resolution, muscles relax, blood pressure drops and the body calms down. Evidently, for some (and I’m thinking I’m one of them), this can take as long as a full 24 hours.

The mentally challenged young woman has difficulty tying her shoes, cooking herself a meal, showering and dressing properly. She’s not able to live alone and has the IQ of a 10 year old (though I really don’t think a ten year old would want to have sex with the guy pictured here.) The judge hearing the case ruled that there’s enough evidence to convict the man on three counts of criminal sexual conduct. The 46-year-old mother is serving time in prison after pleading no guilty to third-degree criminal sexual conduct. To read the completely sickening article, click here.

“I did it because I haven’t had intimate contact with my wife in six years and because of my Christian beliefs, I took a razor blade and cut off my testicle. I sewed up [the wound] with needle and thread that I use on cows and pigs, so that I wouldn’t cheat on my wife.”

He then justified his actions by quoting the Gospel of St Matthew, Chapter 18, verses 8 and 9:

“Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.”

(I’d just like to point out for the record that no where in the text does it even mention a single testicle.) The farmer was hospitalized two days later when the damaged area became infected and doctors had to remove a blood clot from the remains of the man’s testicles.

The condition is so rare that at first she struggled to convince anyone she had no control over it. She first discovered the disorder in 1999 when her ex boyfriend confronted her. She stated that: “Out of the blue one evening he asked me why I played with myself at night”. (You think he’d me more concerned if she didn’t play with herself at night.)

The woman sought help from numerous doctors and psychologists who were not able to help her since they had never heard of her condition. Doctors offered her muscle relaxers (naturally), but she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life on medication. So she set up her own website six years ago after doctors failed to work out what was wrong.

Don’t get too excited, it’s not that kind of site (too bad cuz she could have been turning lemons into million dollar lemonade). Instead she created a support site to find others who suffer from the condition. She further commented that “There are no official figures on how many people suffer from sexsomnia but I’ve spoken to hundreds of men and women from all walks of life with the same condition.” I smell a dating web site for sexomniacs not far off…