Disturbed, the neighbor shouted, interrupting the crime of passion only momentarily. The perp pulled up his pants and left, but took the pool raft with him. (You can have his pool raft when you pry it from his cold, dead penis.)

When questioned by police, the man admitted to having sex with the pool raft, but claimed that he “has a problem,” (ya think???) and that he “needs help.” The discarded raft was found marooned in a backyard. The police investigation continues to determine whether the sex between the man and the raft was consensual.

The woman’s lawyer  argued that the woman is entitled to compensation because sex is “an ordinary incident of life,” like showering, sleeping and eating. He continued that since the woman was required to spend the night in a motel chosen by her department, they should have informed her that having sex while on a business trip was not appropriate. (Because most business contracts outline this, obviously.)

“My client was actually quite significantly injured and emotionally traumatized, both by her injury and the way it has been reported as a subject of fun, which for her it is not,” he stated. Meanwhile, the insurance company argued that the woman should not be compensated because having sex has no relation to the woman’s job and took place outside the course of her employment. He maintained that the woman would only have a case if her employer “required” her to have sex or if she were able to prove that having sex was reasonably incidental to her work-related trip. It’s not clear when a verdict will be issued.

A building worker in an empty shop below commented, “They made a hell of a racket. They put me off my work.” (Listening to people fucking often does – sounds like it was a good time, minus crashing through the roof).

The rooftop romp ended in tears when the woman fell through the roof 60 feet. The police, ambulance and fire brigade were called to the scene, though fortunately the woman suffered only minor injuries despite the fall. She was released after being checked out at a local hospital. Oddly enough, weathermen in the area had predicted that it would rain naked bitches that very same day…

How do you fuck a table? Authorities noted that the table had a hole in the middle intended for an umbrella. The (married) father of three is now facing felony counts of public indecency since his residence is in close proximity to an elementary school. The district’s police captain commented, “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes around.” Yea, inside a picnic table, apparently. Kudos to RogBo for hookin’ us up with the unforgettable article!

Experts believe that everyday Joes are trying to fuck like porn stars, but without the technical skills necessary for the advanced level of intercourse. Bad aim can apparently bend your junk in an odd angle and if done hard enough, this can cause a fracture to the shaft of the penis; a serious medical condition.

So you think you’ve fractured your dick. Now what? Well, first you’re going to want to diagnose the problem.

Symptoms: It hurts like hell. You may also hear a pop on contact, followed by excessive swelling and/or bruising. If you suspect that your cock is banged up (pun intended), immediately consult professional help (not a hooker, but a doctor). Left untreated, a fractured penis can cause impotence or deformation.

An Indonesian man claims he was seduced by a cow into having sex with it. The 18-year-old young man was caught by his neighbor last week having sex with the cow and insists that he didn’t see a cow but a beautiful young woman. He claims, “she called my name and seduced me, so I had sex with her”.

The man was forced to marry the cow and then was bathed while the cow was drowned in the ocean. (I’m not sure which is worse, being forced into bovine marriage, or the fact that they killed his new wife during their honeymoon.) Sources actually documented that it remains unclear whether vows were exchanged before the cow was killed.

The bridegroom was fined 2,000 old coins; the traditional punishment, while the village chief paid the owner of the cow 5 million rupiah (about $545) as compensation (for the cow’s services?).

The issue was brought to light when the employee came forward after he was asked to pick up a 15-year-old girl and her friend and to bring them to the facility to attend a dance. The girls had been requested by two inmates who evidently had never met either of them, but had gotten their names from another (teen) inmate. The two girls are now believed to be prostitutes.

The dance was immediately brought to a halt when the guard manning the surveillance cameras raised the alarm he saw, “… a girl getting her pants pulled down. I saw her red g-string panties almost being pulled off”. Authorities commented that an investigation in the juvenile detention center is on-going. The red g-string refused to comment and remains at large.

When questioned, the men told police that they didn’t know each other and denied the incident. However, one of the men had gloves, condoms and lotion in his right pocket.The two men, a 58-year-old and a 59-year-old, are now facing charges of disorderly conduct.

Apparently, three other men were arrested at the same Kmart for soliciting sex earlier this year, so it must be on Craigslist or something; though I didn’t see anything about this particular bathroom in the Men Seeking Men section. The glory-hole in the men’s bathroom at Washington Square Park, however…

Sadly, in case you haven’t heard (in which case, you probably already have kids), flavored condoms are not designed for sex and often fail when used as the only form of protection. Because the packaging on flavored condoms contains no warning signs to inform users of this fact, people often assume that flavored condoms are an effective method of birth control. But besides being completely ineffective, flavored condoms pose other risks.

Flavored condoms are coated with glycerin, sodium saccharine or aspartame. Why not just dip your dick into a diet soft drink before fucking? It’s just as useful as a flavored condom. Never mind that artificial sweeteners have been linked to cancer. Plus the sugar-like substances act as drying agents and counteracts any lubrication – and nobody wants that. So it seems that these condoms are meant for your mouth, which, unless you’re a hooker, seems unnecessary during oral sex. (Same goes for you, Flavored Dental Dam).

The second stage is the plateau phase, where muscles begin to tense up. According to the article, in this stage “women will find the tissues of the outer third of the vagina will swell. Men pre-ejaculate.” The third stage, everyone’s favorite of course, is the actual orgasm phase. Marked by pleasurable moans and groans, this stage also includes muscle contractions in the lower pelvic muscles and involuntary actions. (Like a bitch slap?) During 4th phase, resolution, muscles relax, blood pressure drops and the body calms down. Evidently, for some (and I’m thinking I’m one of them), this can take as long as a full 24 hours.