Man Tries to Light His Testicles on Fire
Perhaps taking Jerry Lee Lewis a little too seriously, a guest room at a bed and breakfast in Streatham, UK is in ashes after a man tried to set his balls on fire.
A representative from the B&B stated that the room was completely destroyed and firemen were called at 11pm and . Luckily, the door to the room had been closed, so there was no further damage.
The man (AKA FireCrotch) is believed suffer from mental illness. (Ya think?) He was taken to a local hospital for an injury to his arm. The inn is still open, though no word why the mentally unstable man chose such a romantic setting to set his crotch aflame.
Man Loses Penis in Industrial Accident
Who doesn’t secretly dream about getting hurt on the job to obtain workman’s comp? Well, maybe this guy… A temporary worker at the Future Foam Carpet Cushion Co. claims that the company didn’t give him the proper training to use a peeler machine from which a safety guard had been removed. As a result, the machine’s “surgically sharp steel blade” sliced through his pelvis, cutting off his penis and testicles and almost slicing his entire body in half. (But let’s concentrate on his severed genitalia…)
The worker sued the company which made the peeler machine, used to cut foam for carpet padding, but it was Future Foam that had removed the protective guarding intended to prevent workers from injury, in violation state/federal regulations. The victim had been instructed to change out the foam core on the peeler machine when the surgically sharp steel blade was exposed and activated, cutting off his cock and balls. The man is now seeking punitive damages from Future Foam for negligence, strict liability, disfigurement, loss of capacity for the enjoyment of life, medical expenses, loss of earnings, and loss of earning capacity. He is also seeking a new penis.
There’s a reason why there’s no Do-It-Yourself sex change kit at Home Depot… and no one knows this better than one man from Derbyshire, UK. He’s recovering after cutting off his testicles and throwing them into a local park (now a ball park? See Spot run; after severed, bloody testicles).
The 22-year-old is believed to have attempted castrating himself to change his sex. Almost 24 hours after his home surgery, he told hospital staff that he felt “a lot less pain” than expected. When asked why he didn’t complete the procedure on himself, the man replied that he didn’t have the balls. (Ok, I MAY have added that last bit.) The man was given stitches and offered psychiatric help. PS: Most women I know have bigger balls than the majority of men. #justsayin
Dad Hacks off Penis of Daughter’s Boyfriend
Next time your girlfriend’s father warns you to stay away from his daughter, you’d better listen. A man in Germany was arrested after he hacked off his teen daughter’s boyfriend’s penis with a bread knife.
The man had approached police for help in keeping a 57-year-old man away from his 17-year-old daughter.
The police responded that they couldn’t do anything to keep the man away from teen, so the concerned father cut his dick off and kept his severed testicles as a memento. (That should help.)
Police rushed to the victim’s house and saved the man’s life. The father says plans to plead guilty when he goes on trial for attempted murder.
Shape of Trimmed Bush Causes Stir
No, I don’t mean a lady’s’ bush, though that generally causes quite a stir on its own. I’m talking about an actual bush. Police in the UK recently warned a gardener who trimmed his bush into the shape of male genitalia that he could be committing a public offense. Police received a complaint about the 53-year-old gardener’s bush outside his home in Haddenham, Cambridgeshire, which had the shape of a penis and testicles.
A police spokesperson stated, “We received a complaint and warned him that he could be committing a public order offense,” said a police spokesman. He continued that, “We said we would consider taking action if the shape was not changed.” (I guess a sex change on the shrubbery is out of the question.) Sadly, the gardener was forced to re-cut the bush into the shape of a ‘peashooter’ (whatever the hell that is, it sounds lame).
Let’s say your business deal goes bad. Do you: A. Drink yourself into an oblivion, B. Skip town, C. Start turning tricks, D. Remove your testicles via a broken bottle. If you’re a troubled African engine oil salesman, you chose D. The salesman had collected money from customers towards the purchase of engine oil and then turned the money over to a friend. His friend neglected to provide the oil, but kept the funds. Unable to handle the stress of the soured deal, the man became traumatized.
First he took a big stone, threw it up in the air and allowed it to fall on his head, which led to serious head injuries. Then he jumped into a well. Finally, he cut his testicles out of the scrotal sacs with a broken bottle and flung them out of site. Rushed to a local medical center, the man underwent a four hour surgical procedure to repair the damaged sperm ducts. Medical professionals treating the man stated that he would have have bled to death internally if he hadn’t received medical attention immediately. His scrotum was still swollen, having used an unsterile object to cut out the testes.
On the bright side, the man will still be able to have sex, but obviously won’t be able to procreate. Luckily he’s married with three children. It’s believed that he’ll now be facing charges for attempted suicide. (Good idea, Africa. That will cure him of depression for sure.) When questioned about his behavior, the man stated, “I just got fed up with life. I had no money again and I became frustrated. That led to my actions.” Naturally the first solution one would think up in this situation is removing your testicles and throwing them out of sight…
If you’ve ever been hit in the nuts, you know this is no laughing matter. Heck, I know that and I don’t even have balls (anymore). But to many high school students, nothing beats a good game of ‘sack tap‘. One 14-year-old had to learn this the hard way after having his right testicle removed from a groin punch while walking to class.
The doctor treating the victim noted that as a result of the increasingly popular game (thank you, Youtube), he’s had to perform three to four surgeries a year on boys with ruptured testicles or problems resulting from groin punches. The doctor added that dozens more come in with less severe injuries ranging from high school to elementary school students.
The victim’s family plans to move to a different school district since this was not an isolated incident. They are currently looking into filing criminal charges against the other student.
Unfortunately, nowadays bummer tents are few and far between. But if you are having a bad trip, you need a back up plan. Case in point: Last month police responded to a call from an ambulance at the residency of a man who had just castrated himself. When medical professionals and the cops inquired as to the whereabouts of the man’s balls, the 31-year-old let them know that he flushed them down the toilet, fearing that they contained “monsters”.
The man recounted that he was with several friends and had taken LSD when he began to experience negative feelings (AKA a bad trip). He was dropped off at his house when police were called at around 4:18 p.m. that day regarding his medical emergency. Conclusion: Find a buddy, people!
Who hasn’t looked at his automobile and thought, “You know what this car needs? A set of fake balls!” We all have. But if you live in the state of FL, your vehicular testicular enjoyment may be put to a screeching halt.
Lawmakers in The Sunshine State have voted to ban the fake bull testicles that dangle from trailer hitches on trucks and cars throughout the state, as pictured here.
Republican senators called the auto accessory ”offensive” and proposed the ban. (Shocker). Anyone rockin’ the faux balls, commonly known by brand names like “Truck Nutz“, would then receive a $60 fine.
Authorities are now debating whether or not the state should limit freedom of expression in car accessories. Critics of the ban include one particular Jacksonville Republican who had a pair his damn self until his wife objected. (Bitch.)
No, this is not a new service that the police department has suddenly started offering. A 63-year old man was ordered to pay a police officer compensation for an assault that occurred at a local fireworks display. The man was agitated with the officer because traffic was blocked for almost two hours during the display.
He first began yelling at the cop and then grabbed his service-issued torch, trying to hit him with it. When that didn’t work he grabbed the cop’s balls and squeezed them. That worked.
During the trial, psychologist reports indicated that the cop suffered “mental or nervous shock” and on-going physical pain as a result of the attack and that “sitting on a motorbike remains uncomfortable for him“. The reason for the driver’s frustration was that at the time of the attack, the driver was being prevented from attending his wife’s birthday. He was ordered to pay $2,250 for “bruising” resulting from the attack and $15,000 for the “mental or nervous shock.”
