The votes are in: “The Devil made me do it,” excuse is still a classic. A man from Arizona is facing a felony count of sexual abuse after forcing his maid to inappropriately touch him and then blaming Satan for his misconduct. The 76-year-old put the woman’s hand on his penis four times while she cleaned his trailer. (Because trailer trash needs love too; or at least, they need hand jobs.)
The maid reported the incident in June, telling authorities that the perp was making sexual advances toward her and she felt uncomfortable. The man later told her that Satan must have been behind his actions. He was apologetic and asked for her forgiveness, stating that he didn’t get any enjoyment out of it (suspect) and hadn’t had sex since the 1980s (NOT suspect).
After his arrest, the man denied ever having grabbed the victim. Instead, he alleged that she was angry because he was going to fire her. He continued that she tried to swing at him, but hit him in the groin and that he grabbed her hand as it was on his penis. (Many missed swings have ended this way.) During the police interview, the suspect added that he MAY have kept her hand on his penis longer than necessary.
Man Bites Friend’s Penis Off in Argument
Next time a crazy friend asks to borrow your trailer, let him; especially if he has sharp teeth. A 53-year old Polish man was attacked by his friend after an argument over a trailer.
After refusing to allow his friend to borrow the vehicle, the ‘friend’ began to hit the man with a chain. The victim continued that his assailant then “pulled down my trousers and started biting. It was agony.”
Medical professional and police were unable to find the missing penis and have since surmised that the attacker may have swallowed it. (Insert vomit here.) One doctor commented, “If we’d had the other bit of his penis we could have sewn it back on.”
Seems like the perp left doctors AND the victim stumped (womp womp womp – muted trumpet soundbyte.) The suspect is now facing 10 years in jail.
Trucker Flips Trailer Driving and Jerking
A trucker reportedly driving high was masturbating and lost control of the vehicle, flipping the truck and blocking multiple lanes of traffic.
You would think a car accident might distract him from the job at hand (literally), but no. Committed to the act, the trucker kept right on spankin’ it. Even during the police interrogation, he just kept on keepin’ on.
The trucker confessed to pleasuring himself while driving, resulting in his loss of control of the vehicle. The accident shut down one direction of traffic entirely and closed one lane traveling in the other direction.
My only question: so did the guy ever cum or not???
