A taxi driver in the UK was forced to remove a small blue glass cross from his dashboard after a passenger complained that it looked too much like a penis. (Crucifdix?)
The driver, a devout Catholic, had kept the small Greek cross in his cab for years without problem and was shocked when he received his first-ever complaint, made by what turned out to be a 15-year-old on his way to school who saw the cross and couldn’t help but associate it with genitalia.
Local authorities took the wisenheimer’s complaint seriously and ordered it removed. Upon realizing they were taking advice from a pubescent punk, authorities realized they handled the issue badly.
This was particularly obvious when later that same day, on the other side of town, the council forced a local baker to remove his skullcap after a 13-year-old complained that his head was too reminiscent of “a giant tit.” (Well, he did have a point…)
2.5M British Men Too Fat To See Their Penis
Ever hear that the British are bad lovers? Maybe it’s because they can’t see what they’re working with… New research conducted by UK weight-management specialists, LighterLife, revealed that one in ten English men are unable to see their penis because of their protruding bellies. (Now are their bellies that big, or their penises that small?)
The study indicated that 43% of the men surveyed hadn’t seen their penis in the last two years (without looking in a mirror or bending over) while 16% were unable to remember the last time they saw it. (When was the last Olympics?)
Of the 2,000 men chosen for the survey:
- 30% of men surveyed admitted to drinking alcohol three times a week
- One in ten admitted to boozing on a daily basis
- 21% rarely pay attention to what they eat – rising to 29% amongst 35-44 year old men
- One in ten men never exercise
- 52% would lose weight if they were constantly embarrassed about the way they looked
- 36% of those interviewed would only lose weight if they grew man boobs
- 52% would only lose weight if they received a serious health warning from their doctor
- 35% would take action if they were unable to have sex for an extended period of time
- 25 % would shed the pounds after consistent nagging from their partner
- 21% would lose weight if they were unable to do up their shoe laces
Moreover, the study also showed that British men would consider other options BEFORE losing weight and being able to see their penis again. 34% of men would resort to creative shaving in order to make the length of their genitals appear larger, 19% would turn off the lights and 13% would even consider a penis pump before losing weight. With regard to the survey, one medical professional stated, “A man who is not able to see his willy should think seriously about his health.” Thanks, Captain Obvious! (And cheers, fat-asses!)
Pejazzle is the new Vajazzle
What’s just as good as bedazzling vaginas? Why, bedazzling penises, of course!
From the people who apply Swarovski crystals to your cooter, cums Pejazzling; for the dick that outshines all others.
All you need is a pair of shiny disco balls and you’ll be all set… for Gay Pride! The down side?
Well, apart from exposing your junk to the obvious risk of being cut by many small shards of crystal (guess you won’t be able to jerk off for a while), the service is currently only offered in the UK and Australia. Sorry, America.
Man Tries to Light His Testicles on Fire
Perhaps taking Jerry Lee Lewis a little too seriously, a guest room at a bed and breakfast in Streatham, UK is in ashes after a man tried to set his balls on fire.
A representative from the B&B stated that the room was completely destroyed and firemen were called at 11pm and . Luckily, the door to the room had been closed, so there was no further damage.
The man (AKA FireCrotch) is believed suffer from mental illness. (Ya think?) He was taken to a local hospital for an injury to his arm. The inn is still open, though no word why the mentally unstable man chose such a romantic setting to set his crotch aflame.
Computer Found with Images of Gorilla Porn
Some people like Asian porn, some like child porn, and of course, some like seeing human beings fuck a gorilla… Police got more than they bargained for when they seized a computer for forensic analysis and stumbled on images of “a person performing an act of intercourse with a live gorilla”. (As a opposed to a dead gorilla, naturally.)
The 32-year-old man who owned the computer was arrested when officers raided his home in Northampton, UK and took his computer. In addition to the gorilla porn, they found other pictures involving animals as well as thousands of images of children being sexually abused.
The man plead guilty to 12 charges of making and possessing 34,909 indecent images of children and well as 50 pictures of extreme pornography showing bestiality with a gorilla and a dog. He was also required to sign the sex offenders’ list before leaving court. For more on this story, click here.
If your circus act is banned, try teaming up with new talent; perhaps one involving a midget, male genitalia and a vacuum cleaner. A woman’s sideshow act banned for smoking on stage was just cleared to perform on a bill with a dwarf who pulls a vacuum cleaner with his prick.
The smoking female was initially forbidden to take the stage because of health and safety reasons. Though other acts included barefoot walks up sword ladders and electric drill swallowers, the act causing the most concern was a woman smoking. But now Kings Lynn Borough Council has green lit the act in an upcoming show, the aptly named Circus of Horrors, which will feature a dwarf in sunglasses and kilt pulling a Hoover with his penis.
This same act landed another unfortunate little person in the hospital back in 2009 after he inadvertently glued his penis to the vacuum. The special attachment connecting the 42-year-old performer to the appliance came loose, so he fixed the piece with superglue, but left it to dry for only 20 seconds instead of 20 minutes. When he connected himself to the vacuum cleaner, the glue was not yet dry and his penis was immediately stuck.
There’s a reason why there’s no Do-It-Yourself sex change kit at Home Depot… and no one knows this better than one man from Derbyshire, UK. He’s recovering after cutting off his testicles and throwing them into a local park (now a ball park? See Spot run; after severed, bloody testicles).
The 22-year-old is believed to have attempted castrating himself to change his sex. Almost 24 hours after his home surgery, he told hospital staff that he felt “a lot less pain” than expected. When asked why he didn’t complete the procedure on himself, the man replied that he didn’t have the balls. (Ok, I MAY have added that last bit.) The man was given stitches and offered psychiatric help. PS: Most women I know have bigger balls than the majority of men. #justsayin
Mother Destroys Giant Snow Penis
How much more memorable would the song have been if the lyrics were “Frosty The Snow Cock?” According to one pretty fucking funny Brit, MUCH more memorable.
Instead of your traditional snowman, he decided to celebrate the season by surprising his mother by constructing an enormous snowpenis on their front lawn.
Even better: He videotapes her reaction and posts it on Youtube. Although she initially seems amused, she ultimately ruins it. Boo! Damn funny nonetheless – click here to watch! Cheers, mate!
Shape of Trimmed Bush Causes Stir
No, I don’t mean a lady’s’ bush, though that generally causes quite a stir on its own. I’m talking about an actual bush. Police in the UK recently warned a gardener who trimmed his bush into the shape of male genitalia that he could be committing a public offense. Police received a complaint about the 53-year-old gardener’s bush outside his home in Haddenham, Cambridgeshire, which had the shape of a penis and testicles.
A police spokesperson stated, “We received a complaint and warned him that he could be committing a public order offense,” said a police spokesman. He continued that, “We said we would consider taking action if the shape was not changed.” (I guess a sex change on the shrubbery is out of the question.) Sadly, the gardener was forced to re-cut the bush into the shape of a ‘peashooter’ (whatever the hell that is, it sounds lame).
If you’re a postal worker and you find someone’s cell phone on their mailbox, the sensible thing to do is obviously to take pics of your junk and then send them to random women in the contact list, right? A postal worker from Gloucester, UK who decided to do just that is now facing charges of larceny and distributing obscene material. Police reported that he stole a woman’s cell phone and took pictures of his penis with it while on duty. (Ha ha – they said doodie!)
The woman called the police to file a complaint that her cell phone had been stolen from on top of her mail box. She told police that she’d left the phone unattended for two minutes and that when she returned, it was gone. After a short search, police found the mail carrier using the device. Spotted by cops, the mailman quickly powered the phone down, stating that he’d found it and was in the process of attempting to call the owner. Police returned the phone to its rightful owner, but were called back to the scene not 15 minutes later when the woman discovered that there were now six pictures of a man’s penis on her phone that hadn’t been there before.
The pictures had also been sent to the woman’s friend via through the phone’s contact list. Police stated that in the pictures, a man’s shorts were visible which appeared to be mail carrier’s shorts. (They’d recognize that leopard print banana hammock anywhere…) The mailman was taken into custody, refusing to cooperate with detectives unless he had a lawyer present. He was later released on $2,000 cash bail.
